More Of The Same

Naomi Campbell was arrested in NY today for assaulting her cleaning lady with her cell phone. Considering the woman's head required four stitches, we're rather disappointed by the response from her people. As always they threw out Nelson Mandela's name claiming that Naomi could not surrender her passport to the judge as she was going to see Mr. Mandela tomorrow. Oprah's name got dragged into it as well when the victim said Naomi became enraged when she couldn't find her preferred pair of jeans for the Oprah show today. We suggest her people hire a stuntman to follow Naomi around with lots of cash to pay all these people off. If he was willing to take a few punches and phones to the head, then he could just pay himself. Sort of like a bonus.

I Wanna Feel The Heat With Somebody

Perhaps Whitney's Crackity-Crack habit is a vehicle for her comeback, but when you're wearing false teeth and your sister-in-law is telling the whole world about it, we think it's time to put the crack pipe down and think of the greatest love of all. Oh? What's that? You sang that song? Exactly. And the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. We know. But, Whitney, you're embarrassing your daughter with this drug thing. Who what? Your daughter, Bobby Christina. Remember?

How YOU Doin'?

Matt Le Blanc finally ended his sham marriage and filed for divorce after two plus years of being very straight. The Enquirer (of course) has the exclusive story on the split. Apparently it costs quite a bit to bury a gay sex scandal. We're hoping he's over at Aniston's playing Will & Grace.

Thank You, Master Of The Obvious

This has been a rough week for poor lil' Brit Brit as she evidently has lost her bra along with her husband. Again. Donald Trump weighed in on her rapidly declining state of affairs, "What has happened to Britney? The husband? I don’t know. I’ve just never been a big fan.” We couldn't have said it better ourselves.

St Patty's For The Rest Of Us

In honor of the big holiday weekend, here's the latest news about our favorite Irish train-wreck from Jersey, Tara Reid. Last week while Tara was building up her tolerance for St. Patty's Day, she crashed her car outside of Dennis Rodman's house at 7:00 in the morning as she was leaving after a night of partying. No charges were filed against Tara by the police department but the court of public opinion has several serious charges pending.

Mazel Tov

The marriage of fellow Australians Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban is rumoured to be happening this weekend in Sydney with Russell Crowe and Naomi Watts in attendance. TomKat is also making wedding news as reports say the couple tied the knot in a Scientology ceremony at sea, last July. They exchanged rings in front of fellow cult members John Travolta and Kirstie Alley during a Caribbean cruise on the Scientology ship, Freewinds. TomKat's rep said yesterday, "They have not yet wed, and are continuing to move forward with their plans for the big day." We hope "the big day" does not refer to the liberation of the aliens living in the earth. That would totally suck.

We'll Always Have T-Mobile

Michael Douglas is not playing nice in the April issue of GQ. The 61-year-old actor and husband of Catherine Zeta-Jones, comments on Brangelina, "I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina, I mean, how long is that going to last?" Douglas went on to say, "I mean, don't ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger. I don't know how you get married for four months. And Julia with Lyle." While Douglas has not worked in over three years, Zeta-Jones will soon be releasing her book: 'How My Crazy Old Husband Ruined My Career.'

Representin' White Folk, Y'all

This week's Sun and Star mags are claiming Brit Brit is preggers again with another spawn of the Fedster. Statistics show that uneducated white trash such as Brit will have at least four children at a very young age, usually one right after another. This cycle of life has resulted in record earnings for trailer manufacturers particularly in the double-wide divisions.

L.A. Gets A New Safe Zone

A Los Angeles judge slapped Paris Hilton with a restraining order and ruled that she not be within 100 yards of Event Planner and Promoter, Brian Quintana, during the next three years. In the event that the two are attending the same party, Hilton must stay at least twenty-five feet away from him. The bugs residing on Paris' person are only able to travel a distance of five feet while her hot zone is a ten foot radius. We are guessing Brian is very popular right about now. From Court TV: "I wanted him [Stavros] to be aware of it — that she had herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything. He informed me that he was [aware]," Quintana testified. Hilton walked in during the middle of their conversation, Quintana said, and became "furious.""She said, 'This is between the three of us, if this gets out you're a f---ing dead man.'"

Sarah Sucks

Dr. Travis Stork, this past season's Bachelor (in Paris), gave his final rose to Sarah Stone and in a joint interview with The Tennessean, they confirmed that their relationship is dunzo. Apparently they couldn't keep the spark alive while they waited for the season finale to air and so they called it quits. Hopefully ABC will call it quits and replace this show with something that doesn't totally suck.

We Get It, You're Edgy. Now Please Stop.

The Titanic of all bows made its first and hopefully last appearance on the shoulder of Charlize Theron. We nearly forgot she was nominated for Best Actress as her screaming need for a new stylist consumed our every thought.

My Bologna Has A First Name

Reese Witherspoon, in vintage Christian Dior, won the Best Actress Oscar last night for her work in 'Walk The Line' while Philip Seymour Hoffman won the Best Actor award for 'Capote.' Reese was in a movie in the mid-90's called 'Freeway' with Kiefer Sutherland in which she was brilliant as a troubled teen while Hoffman made us sit up and notice in 'The Talented Mr. Ripley' and 'Magnolia.' Other winners were: Gorgeous George/Best Supporting Actor in 'Syriana,' Ang Lee/Best Director for 'Brokeback Mountain' and the Best Picture/'Crash.' Aside from the music that the orchestra played at the start of each acceptance speech and Charlize Theron's ridiculous dress, it was a successful night in Hollywood. And we didn't see one Oompa Loompa.

Sticky Fingers

Page Six reports that little Miss Tara went to the Oscar Suite at Soho House in Hollywood and sabotaged her already sullied reputation by stealing gift bags containing diamond bracelets worth $1000. A Diamond Acquifer employee said, "Tara and some friends came and swiped almost all of the gift bags. Gone! They took them all! Thieves!" We advise Tara to release a statement calling this accusation false and have her lawyer (if she has one) threaten to sue for libel. Unless of course the item is true, in which case she should hide. Forever.

Not Suitable For Work

Lohan flashed the press at the GM fashion show with a move from Tara Reid's playbook.

Money, Baby, Money

Alyssa Milano and our boy Nick spent some time together at the GM fashion show on Tuesday night, having already spent time together at the Fun, Fearless, Male Awards last week. Against our advice, Nick accepted $500,000 to appear in a fitness infomercial with Brooke Burke which he does not have to share with his cheatin' ex, Jessica Simpson, as they were separated already when he signed the deal.

Celebrity Judicial Review

Clay Gay-ken (as Kathy Griffin refers to him) has become the Barry Manilow of a new generation with a devoted Christian fanbase known as the Claymates. Being that Clay is a "Good" Christian, many fans are furious he had unprotected gay sex with a man in North Carolina who gave graphic details on Howard Stern's radio show. Now Clay's record label has delayed the release of his second album until this scandal blows over and several Claymates are considering a Class-Action Lawsuit against the record company on the basis of False Advertising. In other legal news, CBS is suing Howard Stern, Jessica Alba is suing Playboy and Sophia Bush pulled a Renee Zellweger and filed court papers to annul her marriage to Chad Michael Murray, citing fraud. We're not sure how cheating with Paris Hilton became "fraud" but her lawyer earns points for creativity. Anna Nicole Smith went to Washington this week as the battle over her husband's $1.6 billion estate reached the United States Supreme Court and in NYC an arrest warrant was issued (again) for Natasha Lyonne. And last but not least, Oprah's whippin' boy, James Frey, was sued for being a big fat liar.