The Luck of the Lohan

Lindsay Lohan began her trial this morning by showing up 48 minutes late. Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day so Lohan was partying it up in New York, and she missed her flight out of JFK last night. She "borrowed" a private jet to make it to Los Angeles this morning, we're guessing from one of her patron saints: Charlie Sheen, the Prince of Brunei, the Zapata artist, Vikram Chatal, etc. ✈ Her father, Michael Lohan, is in the courtroom. Her mother, Dina Lohan stayed back in New York. So supportive, that Dina. At least Lindsay dressed appropriately this morning, and someone in the crowd glitter bombed her. Good times.

There's No Place Like Home

Lindsay Lohan has moved back into her childhood home with her mother, Dina Lohan. Considering her mother is off the rails lately, Lindsay will look like the responsible one for a change. Below is Dina's Long Island home as well as a photo of Lindsey and Woody Allen after she offered up her little sister, Ali, in exchange for a part in one of his films. They're in negotiations.

Two-Toned Lohan

We have been rooting for little Lindsay, which is increasingly difficult when girl just doesn't seem to have any common sense. Cute black dress, but have a little respect for the court and put some damn stockings on! Surely she could have asked her mother to run into a drugstore at some point during their journey to see the judge and photographers. The new lawyer is total ugh. Dude was like disbarred for 5 years in New York. And whatever with the rabbit's foot, total fame whore. The lawyer, not the rabbit.

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Lindsay Lohan finally finished up her probation a few weeks ago and the judge specifically told her to stay out of the clubs. Being that Lohan wants to be taken seriously and get her life back on track, here she is at Coachella where she was hanging out in the VIP club.

iPhone Test

Okay, so here's the deal. We are totally in love with our new iPhone and yes, we would marry it if we could. Speaking of marriage, next week same sex couples will be permitted to marry (and divorce) here in Connecticut. Three states down, forty-seven to go. What celebrity couples will take the plunge...Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, perhaps? Lilo is due for some good publicity after she got fired from Ugly Betty. Now that we've figured out the mobile blogging thing, we'll be on the scene to bring you the scoop. Now pardon us while we go break up with our laptop.

Leavin' Never To Come Back Again

Our loyal reader Melissa in Camden mentioned to us that she would like more celebrity snark and less music videos, so we apologize for posting Leavin' by Jesse McCartney here. But we'll make a deal with you...for every one radio song that gets stuck in our head during the daily commute, we'll write two snarky posts. Speaking of, holy Lohan as of late.

Welcome Back Whitney

The ladies were out in full effect last night at the pre-Grammy party hosted by Clive Davis. Rihanna's "umbrella" is up against Beyonce's "irreplaceable" for Record of the Year. Amy Winehouse is up against Kanye West for Album of the Year. It is rumored that Whitney Houston will perform tonight with Alicia Keys. That would be hot. And what is up with Lohan's skin? She needs to stop.

Home For The Holidays

The lovely Lindsay Lohan has started her community service as punishment for her 2 DWI/coke possession mishaps. Her father is still crazy as you can see above, and her mother is currently filming a reality show out on the Island. The boyfriend, Riley, is still in the picture and allegedly wrote the following on his myspace blog: 'ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!' Riley went on to write, 'Our place in ny is getting decked out, cant wait to move.. should be mid-december.' [Obviously Riley and Lohan share a common dislike of proper punctuation.] Now, we heard that Lohan was headed home east, and we're not sure if the city is ready. Remember her hijinks back in the day? At least she can take cabs, but still. New York is nowhere for a recovering alchoholic/druggie to be living. Just ask Natasha Lyonne. Who? Exactly.

How's That Workin' Out For Ya, Linds?

While you might not be able to read the tattoo in the last picture there, we assure you it says 'DEATH.' Sweet, dude. Lohan and her boyfriend (that she met in rehab) are back in Hollywood following The National Enquirer story regarding the guy's fiancee. Yes, fiancee. Always drama with the Lohan. Apparently this girl and Riley have lived together for 3 years in Laguna Beach. He was arrested for trying to forge prescriptions and off he went to Utah. The girl went to a group meeting and met Lindsey whom she said was overly nice, or fake. Two days later, the guy texts his fiancee and says they should take a break. He admits that he had sex with Lohan in a hallway, blah, blah, blah. The girl brings her engagement ring into be repaired and is told by the jeweler that the "diamonds" are actually cubic zirconium. Lohan sure knows how to pick 'em.

Let The Games Begin

Lock up your sons and husbands, Lohan is out of rehab. On Friday she was officially released from the rehab facility where she's been shopping, er, faking it, er, getting help. Ahem. What we can gather is that she was actually getting fucked up in rehab which is no surprise to us and of course the British tabloids have been all over that shit. There have been stories about how she has people give her large water bottles filled with vodka at AA meetings. Everyone wants to be her friend apparently, including her daddy who is freaking loving the publicity. We also heard she was hooking up with Sonny Bono's son, also a patient there. Her publicist put out a story that Lohan was moving to Manhattan and looking to attend college. Yeah, and we're about to run a marathon. Puh-lease. Lohan gave the obligatory paid interview to OK! magazine but her comments are too ridiculous for us to even bother typing out. Hey, we have standards.

The Lowdown On Lohan

Lohan has been in a Utah rehab for more than a month now and when her mother Dina was asked about an imminent release, she replied via email, 'Not true, staying in Utah.' Lindsay has reconciled with her father and the two will spend five days together at an undisclosed facility. You know they'll get all drunk together. There were rumors that Lohan had sex with a fellow rehabber in a bathroom and now the guy's wife is divorcing him. The guy (above) is named Tony and is in some band and normally wears a lot of eyeliner. Yeah, one of those. Anyway his wife's family is worth a couple of billion dollars so her lawyers are going for the throat. Oh, and they have 8-month-old twins together. Lohan's rep issued a statement saying that Lindsay and Tony are friends and that she was not involved in the demise of the marriage. We think Lohan did her a favor because why would this chick be with a drug-addicted, eyeliner-wearing loser like him anyway? He's 39 years old and wears eyeliner. Enough said.
Moving on...Steve-O went on Howard Stern and described how Lindsay stole cocaine from him. Apparently she was at his house and came back saying she left her wallet in the bathroom and swiped his stash. If that's not pathetic, we're not sure what is. In happier news it looks like Lindsay may have discovered the reason that people love dogs (below). She has at least one dog herself although we've never seen a single photo of him, and we try to keep on top of these things. She probably traded him for drugs. We kid.

The Luck Of The Lohan

In case you missed anything in recent weeks, the above song explains it all. That girl really looks like Lohan, too. So Nicole Richie checked into jail today in order to serve her 4 day term which was reduced to 82 minutes, with time served and overcrowding. Lohan was also sentenced to 1 day in jail for her arrests. The D.A. dropped the cocaine charges and referred to something about "high-risk kids." Her lawyer rocks.

Maybe She Can Be A Third Wife

Thank somebody that Lohan is in a Mormon rehab in Utah and doesn't know that she just got sued big-time over her little cokescapade. Hey that's kind of cute, maybe we'll make it a category. Lord knows there are plenty of Hollywood folks to tag with that. We digress. A girl that was riding in the car of Lohan's assistant's mother, has sued Lindsay for assault and negligence. The girl says she was traumatized and that the police drew guns on her when Lohan got out of the car and chased her. That must be a wake-up call, having a gun drawn on you. We watch a lot of Big Love and those Mormons are not fussin' around with their sobriety. Linds reportedly has to do chores like wash dishes and clean the toilet. No phone, internet, lights out by 11 pm and up by 6 am. We say she should just move to Cirque Lodge indefinitely because things are not looking good for her out here in the real world.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

After an amazing week at the lake, we are back to find that not too much was happening during our days at Harpoon's. Lohan is reportedly in rehab in Utah, the Fedster is suing Britney for a 70/30 custody split, and our beloved Amy Winehouse did drugs for 3 days straight and collapsed. Happy August.

Well Said, Mr. Schneider

Lohan was set to appear on Leno to promote her flop of a movie, "I Know Who Killed Me" but couldn't make it because of that DUI mess last week. Rob Schneider replaced her, as her, and a good laugh was had by all. Except Dina Lohan. She said she was "disappointed" and thanked Craig Ferguson for not joking at the expense of her meal ticket. Schneider released this statement to People magazine this morning:

"When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her! I don't care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She's not a kid. Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life."

"I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is."

Where's That Confounded Bridge?

We were curious as to how obnoxious Lindsay Lohan could get, and we found our answer in this quote, "The black kid was driving." If you haven't watched the interview with the kids that were in her car (which she hi-jacked) then you must head over to TMZ.com. We can't wait to hear her tell-all in next week's OK!. Hopefully it's better than Brit's stupid drama in last week's issue. That was weak.

With Friends Like These....

We've mentioned Dori Cooperman before as she is Lohan's new BFF, and we figured we'd give some background on the gal. Now she has blonde hair (see post below). We like the brown better. This is from the NY Post:

April 10, 2007 -- SOCIALLY ambitious Dori Cooperman got into trouble with the law last week. The stick-thin New Jersey native - who is friends with such swells as Rena Sindi, Alex von Furstenberg, Rachel Peters, Rob Speyer and Harrison Lefrak - was arrested last Wednesday in Westport, Conn., and charged with first-degree forgery and third-degree larceny after she allegedly stole and cashed a $4,300 check. According to the Westport News, a local resident mailed a check to a person in New York, but the check ended up in Cooperman's bank account. Cooperman turned herself in to police and is expected back in Westport court on Friday. When first contacted by Page Six, Cooperman claimed, "It wasn't me . . . someone must have stolen my ID. One of my licenses is missing . . . My father is getting a lawyer on this right now." But after we informed her that Sgt. Jerry Shannon of the Westport Police Department confirmed it was indeed she, Cooperman e-mailed us, "I was accused of something. It's a whole mistake but I can't talk about it until everyone involved resolves it."

We Blame Dori Cooperman

In lieu of going into a real rehab after her arrest, Lindsay Lohan emailed Billy Bush of whatever show and told him that the cocaine was not hers. She is innocent. Yep, uh-huh. This isn't high school, honey. "I don't know how that beer got under my bed." What a stupid thing to say to a reporter, no less. She was better off saying nothing. Apparently she doesn't watch enough "Cops." Hey Linds, Saturday nights at 8 on Fox. Check it out, you might just be on it soon. Some of the photo agencies, including X17 have been reporting that Lindsay contacted them prior to her arrest to sell photos to them for $30 grand. They say she tried it last September as well. Sounds like someone needed drug money. Total junkie.

A New Low For Lohan

Holy Mother of God she's done it again. Little Miss Lohan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol and cocaine last night. Police got a a call of a white SUV chasing another SUV and when they went to investigate, they found both SUV's in a parking lot one block from the police station. Lohan was driving the white SUV and blew a .13 on the breathalizer. While booking her at the police station they found cocaine in her pants pocket so her charges include DUI, driving on a suspended license and two felony charges of possession of cocaine and transport of a narcotic. She was released on $25,000 bail. Last week Lindsay went to the police station to be formally charged for her first DUI/possession charge and paid $30,000 in bail for that one. This comes after the producers of the film she was supposed to start work on pulled the plug on the project because they could not get an insurance company to cover Lohan during production. They weren't buying the whole alcohol monitoring bracelet thing either.

Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka....

In case you were wondering what Lohan's alcohol monitoring device looks like, here it is. A fellow Promises rehabber spilled the beans on Lindsay and recounted the boxes of whippets that she got from an out-patient which she would take with cold medicine. The staff couldn't figure out how she was getting high in there until they looked under the bed. Whippets are like nitrous oxide and is sometimes referred to as hippie crack. The gas is used in whipped cream cans and is also sold as canisters to pastry chefs. Or to rehabbing starlets. Either or.