The Seven Year Itch

It has been a crazy-ass long time since we've visited and we sure have missed y'all. It has been 7 years since we started this little family in a high-rise in Miami and Dear Lord, so much has changed. Miami is now Connecticut. Our evenings of cocktails and cigarettes have been replaced with Diet Coke and nicotine gum. Hours on the phone with my friends have been replaced with texts and facebook. Blogging is now cool again in a retro way, like neon and scrunchies (neither of which we condone, btw), and we have the itch, bitch. Becoming a mother has made us a gentler and kinder blogger but somewhere inside we still have the snark. Let's bring it out.

A Very Hilton Holiday

Finally! We think the "blogger is a bitch" issue has been solved with the help of our new BFF, Firefox. Sorry, Explorer, we had a good run together but we're just not that into you anymore. Speaking of BFF's, Porn-star Paris Hilton has a silly show on MTV about finding a new BFF which we refuse to watch, even if there is absolutely nothing else on. Apparently she's not getting enough attention from the paparazzi these days so Hilton announced she is officially back in whore mode. After nine months of dating Benji Madden, brother of Nicole Richie's baby daddy, Joel Madden, the couple is dunzo. In true Paris fashion, she got it on with her ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos in Miami before actually letting Madden know that she was done with him. As we head into the slow holiday gossip cycle, we predict Paris will date seven guys, get in two drunken brawls and have at least three pregnancy rumors surrounding her. Holy 2006.

There's Preggers, And Then There's PREGGERS

We've never been into Nicole Richie because back in the day she was horrid at a club we frequented in Miami. Her actions since then have been totally misguided and the whole Paris thing disgusts us. Now because she's pregnant (and we need to up our posts for her category) we are reluctantly blogging about her. That and because she's in New York because if you can make it here...you know the rest. We may regret saying this but we actually think she looks cute pregnant. We still remember her chubby days (how could you forget?) but she seems to be taking advice from her brilliant manager Benny Medina. He created Jennifer Lopez's career and is genius. Nicole and fiancee Joel Madden spent the week in New York as he tours with his band on the East Coast. (Good Charlotte is the band. And no, we don't know one song they sing....BUT he used to date Hilary Duff.) She dined with BFF Mischa Barton and attended Justin Timberlake's concert at the garden, and looked rather healthy doing so. Is that enough? Did we full the required number of words for the quota? Please. She sucks and always will. Pregnant or not. Speaking of, Salma Hayek is hella-pregnant. She and her Billionaire fiancee just bought a couple of mansions for their impending kid. Livin' la vida loca.

Hogan Knows Breast

Summer television means 'Hogan Knows Best' is back in action. For those of you not in love with MTV and VH1, this a reality show about Hulk Hogan and his family. They originally lived up in the Bible Belt of Florida, but relocated (last season) to Miami so daughter, Brooke, could work on her music career. Moving on....Brooke has had mild success with her album and her dream to be the next Britney Spears seems to be on track. Considering the state of Brit Brit these days, a monkey has a halfway decent chance at becoming her. We digress. So above is Brook in the most ridiculous outfit ever.
Here is Brooke looking like she just took some ecstasy and walked off the 'Dynasty' set.
This is a shot of Brook in Maui after she reportedly got breast implants. Below is what she used to look like, circa season 2. You be the judge.

And I Said No, No, No

While we're on the subject of the Brits, let's point out Amy Winehouse and her reinforcement of the British stereotype regarding dental care. Or the lack thereof. Was that too much? Did we cross a line? We meant no offense. Segway to Amy Winehouse and her boyfriend reportedly getting married in Miami this weekend. She met him when he worked as a runner on the set of one of her music videos. Score. Again with that line. Check her out performing on Letterman below. She's a notorious booze hound. Like she gets drunk for a week at a time and cancels shows because of it. She's like the new Lohan. Sweet.

Allegra Versace Is Wicked Skinny

Women's Wear Daily is reporting that Donatella Versace and husband, Paul Beck, are suing newspapers that ran stories about their daughter Allegra entering a hospital. The story began on The Insider's website and was picked up by an Italian paper and some British ones. Allegra is not in a hospital for anorexia and is receiving care at her private residence. The 20-year-old heiress to the Versace empire is enrolled in school in New York. She became anorexic after her Uncle Gianni was murdered in Miami Beach in the summer of 1997. In a statement her parents said, "We ask that moral consideration be shown to Allegra and that she be left in peace so her recovery is not disturbed." Because we want to be considerate we'll just say, Get well, Allegra. Oh, and eat something.

Wham, Bam, Thank You, Pam

When is Pam Anderson going to be on Dancing With The Stars? Seriously. She would totally win. Speaking of winning, hopefully she'll win the case of the thrown laptop as those photographers that were on the other end of that fight have sued Pam and Denise Richards. Above is Pam kissing her ex, Tommy Lee. Not to be outdone by his soon-to-be ex-wife's rebounding skills, Kid Rock stepped out with model May Anderson in Manhattan. She's the one that got arrested for punching a stewardess on a flight to Miami. Classy.

Meet The Barkers, Part Deux

As if their recent birthday weekend in Miami didn't make it obvious enough, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker have officially announced that they are back together. They told the "breaking news" to People magazine and we're sure it's totally cute, in a tattoo'd, stripper haircut kind of way. We're guessing they didn't get into the whole "We hated each other and Paris Hilton filed charges against me" part of the divorce ordeal. They'll save that for the 4-page spread in Life & Style. Or Star. Whichever.

I'm Back Y'All

No, Brit Brit has not fled rehab again. These pics are from her romp at the Mondrian Hotel after she borrowed a bathing suit from fellow pool-goers. Anyway, we're back at our Blogger Headquarters and our wireless connection, which seriously is like the greatest invention since the Dyson vacuum. Miami is nice and all, but we missed our wireless like crazy. And notice our shiny new labels to the right there which allow you to check in on the celebs without scrolling through months of posts. It will take us a while to tag our past two years of posts, but it will totally be worth it. We just said 'totally'. As in, "Totally rad, man." We're feeling very valley girl today.

I Heart Brad Pitt

The Royal Brangelina Family is rumored to be expanding their brood with a new addition from Vietnam. The family has been living in their $3.5 million New Orleans mansion while Brad is filming a movie in the city. The tabloids that I read on the plane down here to Miami are obsessed with the weight that Angelina has allegedly lost since her mother passed away after a battle with cancer last month. While Brad co-produced The Departed as well as Babel, he opted out of attending the Oscars on Sunday to stay home with his family. Could they be any more perfect?

My Bologna Has A First Name

It's O-S-C-A-R. I think we may have used that same post title last year so we apologize in advance for the lack of creativity if that is indeed true. While we enjoy the amazing Miami weather and sip cocktails by the pool, it's easy to leave last week's Britney and Anna drama behind. Well, not that easy...more to come regarding them both shortly. The frontrunners in this year's Oscar race are Forest Whitaker, Helen Mirren, Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson. Best director may be Martin Scorcese and Best Picture may be Babel which was produced by Brad Pitt and starred Brad Pitt. Right now they're giving all the boring awards while the majority of the television viewers drink wine and laugh with brilliant host, Ellen. Here are some arrivals and while it's difficult to see the massiveness of the bow that Nicole Kidman has on her shoulder, take our word for it. She is totally channeling Charlize Theron.

Finally It's Friday

It's been more than 24 hours and Britney Spears is still in rehab which is saying a lot. If she doesn't stay for 30 to 45 days, the kids go to the Fedster. Here are the pics of her losing her mind Wednesday night outside of K-Fed's place when she couldn't get inside to see him. Her mother drove her directly to Promises following the meltdown which was probably the best idea for everyone involved. We're off to Miami in a few hours, but we'll bring our laptop in case anything exciting happens that you need to know about. Oh, and Debra Opri is still being annoying down in Ft. Lauderdale as she goes on ad nauseum about how she's from New York. When the judge considering the paternity thing told Opri that her last statement was quite the run-on sentence, her co-counsel said, "She's from New York." What the hell does that mean? Oh, and the devil's lawyer announced they would be seeking a stay, meaning Anna's body can not be buried. Hey, Virgie, you lost. Just so you know.

Rehab For The Britster

Britney Spears left NYC earlier this week with her two sons en route to Miami following a rough week of partying in which she vomited all over herself. People magazine just reported that she traveled to Antigua from Miami and checked herself into Eric Clapton's Crossroads rehab center, and promptly checked herself out after only one day. Earlier this week, her one true love, Justin Timberlake, made the following statement at an awards show in London, "Stop drinking! You know who you are. I’m speaking to you. You are going to get sloppy. OK! magazine is going to say something bad about you." In addition, her former assistant of more than nine years, Felicia, wrote on a blog that she and the Spears family are waiting for Brit to hit rock bottom so they can get her help. It looks like that intervention happened after all.

All Things Anna

Anna Nicole Smith returned to the States again, this time showing up at The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida. Also attending the boxing match was Hulk Hogan who lives about 30 miles away in Miami. A Los Angeles judge has ruled that Anna must submit her daughter, Dannielynn, for DNA testing by January 23rd. In preparation of the baby-daddy ruling, her lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern, has set up a dummy corporation to shelter any money she may receive from her late husband's estate so that Larry Birkhead will not be able to touch it if he is the father. Which he is. No word on whatever happened with the investigation into her son's death. The last news on Anna was that a judge in the Bahamas evicted her from the house she was squatting in. Also, the man she hired to do the private autopsy on her son filed papers against her because she never paid him. Sounds like it's time for someone to do another reality show and make some money.

The Professional Patient

Lindsay Lohan loves herself some hospital action and checked in today to have her appendix removed as a precaution. Apparently she had stomach pains and visited a doctor yesterday and he recommended the surgery. Lohan started out 2006 in the hospital as well, and went on to make at least three additional visits throughout the year. Add those on to her 2005 hospitalizations and this girl is the un-luckiest, most accident-prone, exhausted person ever. Wait, why is she famous again?

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Lindsay Lohan is. She is also promoting horrible fashion as she celebrates New Year's in Miami with Courtney Semel, one of the girls from Filthy Rich Cattle Drive. Her father is Terry Semel of Yahoo! and we are more than a little embarrassed that we even know that. But seriously, what is with the dress and clashing nail polish? We can't even get into the belt thing. It's all too tragic.

Koo-Koo Kanye Kracks Up

There was a time when it was said that people from other countries other than the United States had an image of us as being rather boastful. Conceited, if you will, because of where we lived. After several years in the City, living with over 8 million New Yorkers from all over the world, we grew confident that the "I'm so great because I'm an American" notion had disappeared into relative obscurity. And then came Kanye West. Always a boastful young chap, Kanye has had a history of making headlines with his off the cuff remarks, but this time he really went too far and made a fool of himself. And the rest of us are guilty by association. Dude, you're at the MTV Europe Video Music Awards. You're from Chicago. Represent. Seems easy, right? Nope. He couldn't be happy with the Best Hip-Hop Artist Award and smile for the cameras. He had to make a big scene AND make international news. As the band called Justice and Simian accepted their award for Best Video of the Year, Kanye West ran up on the stage and grabbed the microphone. He then launched into a tirade filled with swear words and proclaimed that he should have won the award because his video "cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons. If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility." Dear God. Someone put a muzzle on this guy.

Jeffrey Sebelia Is Still A Loser

Our beloved Project Runway is over and Jeffrey the Junkie walked away with the top prize. Ugh. We're hoping he doesn't spend the $100,000 on heroin as that would break Miss Heidi Klum's heart. Tim Gunn's too. It's wonderful that Jeffrey traded the hypodermic needle for a sewing needle (and several tattoo needles), but this is not an after-school special. He went over budget and outsourced his work. Not cool. Our fave, Michael Knight, showed a collection that was a bit too ghetto safari and the judges were not feeling it. Oh well. Michael has a bright future ahead of him and rumor is he's dating Brandy. And yes she was there to cheer him on at Bryant Park. Too cute. Uli already has a following in Miami, and Laura will hopefully open a boutique on Madison or sell her dresses at Bendel's, just as soon as she gives birth to that sixth child. And throws "it on the pile with the rest of them." We'll miss you Michael and Laura. Auf wiedersehen.

Was It Colonel Mustard?

The circus surrounding the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy and the subsequent Baby-Daddy drama has resulted in a distasteful scenario of epic proportions. It began when Anna gave birth to a baby girl in the Bahamas where she had purchased a home and was granted citizenship. Three days later her son Daniel flew in from L.A. via Miami and was picked up at the airport by Anna's lawyer and BFF, Howard K. Stern. The two drove to the hospital where they met up with Anna and took pictures of the happy family which appeared in last week's tabloids. Sometime in the next few hours, Daniel fell asleep on a bed in his mother's room and mysteriously died during the night. Anna, Howard and Daniel were in the room the next morning and tried to revive Daniel with the help of the medical staff. Hospital employees have claimed that Anna was screaming at Howard as if he had caused her son's death, then she was given a sedative and does not remember any of the events that took place. Anna hired an independent pathologist to determine the cause of death and he went on record saying a combination of methadone, zoloft and lexapro were to blame. Bahamian officials stated today that they will continue to investigate the death of Daniel and will release their own reports detailing the specific levels of each of the drugs in Daniel's system. Methadone is primarily used to treat heroin addiction and while Daniel was known to be on anti-depressants, no explanation for the methadone has been given. Then things got really sketchy as Stern went on Larry King Live and said he was the father of the baby girl although photographer Larry Birkhead was told by Anna that he was the father. Then Anna and Howard got up at 3 in the morning and took a boat ride out to sea where they had a commitment ceremony with a minister present. While the marriage is not legal as of yet, the laws in the Bahamas state that if a married couple claim paternity of a child then the husband is rightfully the father of said child, in this case, Danni-Lynn, the baby girl. Yes, she named the baby after her son that just died. Now today, Larry Birkhead has filed a lawsuit demanding that the baby be returned to California for DNA testing AND he wants Anna and the baby to be drug-tested. The suit goes on to say that he is concerned for the welfare of his child, Anna uses drugs, yadda, yadda, yadda. We're not sure where this is all going but if this was an episode of Footballers' Wives, Anna will test positive for methadone and she will turn out to have accidentally caused the death of her own son. In the conservatory with the candlestick.

The Backlash Begins

Last week was a busy one for Paris Hilton as she made the rounds in L.A. with just-filed-for-divorce Travis Barker as well as spent a night out with Lance Armstrong. The song "Go Away Paris Hilton" is more popular than her album and as if this wasn't enough excitement, the BBC reports that a punk'd artist replaced hundreds of Paris' albums in the UK with his own remixes and cover art. The new songs include "Why Am I Famous?" and "What Have I Done?" as well as a bonus track, "Look At My Wonky Eye." And yes, we made the last song up.