Spencer Pratt: "Float like a Douchebag, Fight like a Girl"

If Spencer Pratt actually has a purple belt in Jiu-Jitsu- as claimed by girlfriend Heidi Montag in a weak, desperate attempt to talk him up in front of her parents and an ex-boyfriend- whichever school gave him that belt has some explaining to do. First and foremost: why does he punch like a girl? Yes- Jiu-Jitsu focuses on submission grappling rather than striking, but the emergence of mixed martial arts has proven that an effective fighter must develop a well-rounded proficiency, developing either grappling or stand-up to the detriment of the other at his own peril. We suspect that Heidi and Spencer put their heads together and made up this alleged purple belt to wipe some of the pansy off Spencer's image after his disgraceful performance on the Hills' season premiere: "Sure, he sucker-punched a guy with an uppercut and then proceeded to slap at him with his fist in a tomohawk-like motion, but his triangle choke is tight." Giving a bearded person an abrasion with an uppercut that he does not expect (because honestly, what kind of barbarian starts fights in this day and age?) fails to impress us. One of us recently received a cut on the face inflicted by a mere left hook, through gloves and protective head gear. It's not that big a deal. We will post the fight video as soon as MTV makes the full episode available. In the meantime you can catch a glimpse of Spencer playing patty-cakes in this season 5 preview.

The Hills - MTV Shows

Regardless of the veracity of Spencer's proficiency at a fighting style from a school that is behind the times and fosters aggresion, hostility, and douchiness in its students-as opposed to the usual values of self-respect, -discipline, and -control- he effectively applies a Jiu-Jitsu strategy to his relationship with Heidi. Having wrapped himself around her like an ever-tightening boa constrictor, he has brought her down, isolated and immobilized. Now, he proceeds to finish it of by smothering the life out of her.

From the Red Carpet to the Picket Line

Hollywood's stars will need all of the positive qualities they ceaselessly identified in each other during Sunday night's entertainment-industry ego-inflation ceremony, because a dispute between the SAG and the major studios could soon render these icons of the silver screen indefinitely unemployed. Once again, this looks like a case of the internet ruining everything: the dispute centers on compensation for work intended for online viewing. We have just one question: Does the cast of "The Hills" have to join in the strike? Maybe they'll half strike, because their show appears staged and scripted but nobody exhibits any talent. Could this explain the mystery behind Spencer's bizarre hanging-over-the-mouth cowboy mustache as half of a strike beard? The only other possible explanation is that anyone in a position to call attention to the absurdity of this facial hair debacle chooses not to because Spencer is a douchebag- but that couldn't be the case.

Six Degrees Of Spencer Pratt

The culmination of a creatively bankrupt TV genre, The Hills, has endorsed the culmination and/or the impotent death spasms of a morally and intellectually bankrupt political movement, McCain for President. Without opening the Pandora's Box of political discussion over cocktails: it should come as no surprise that two guys who made a career of leeching off their mates and acting self-righteous on camera would feel drawn to each other.

The true meaning of this story remains open to interpretation. Spencer's announcement that he will be working with McCain's daughter to visit Iraq could be a subtle announcement that the reality TV community, like the military, will check its fantastic power in service of the civilian-elected government. The other, and more likely case, is that Spencer expressed his hope to see Heidi as McCain's running mate in order to set the stage for an upcoming season of The Capitol Hills. Prepare yourself for a domestically-focused Vice Presidency, as Spencer will throw a hissy-fit every time Heidi tries to schedule a diplomatic mission. The craziest part of this travesty: the studio planned this years in advance. After McCain dies of a heart attack brought on by the emotional stress of constant exposure to exaggerated, dour, reality TV facial expressions, Spencer will help Heidi select a new VP in a reality show a la Joe and Slade in the abominable "Date my Ex-Heidi and Spencer Edition." When asked for comment, Heidi simply said, "I love Jesus." Seriously. We could not make this stuff up.

Be Careful, The Bloggers Are Watching

We thought it was a little weird when Spencer asked Brody for his credit card to buy Heidi's ring and then he ripped up the receipt. Um, if you're buying a ring that is worth 8 or 10 grand, you need to insure it. Spencer was saying he should put a tracking device on it, GPS, and how it was "bling" which is so uncool to say, but staying on topic, he said the ring was like J.Lo's and Kobe Bryant's. Turns out that the company, Ice, doesn't even sell real diamonds and the ring cost anywhere between $280. and $2,500. Whatever. Who cares how much anything costs, but if you're going to brag about it on tv, you may want to make sure you're being truthful. Despite Slimy Spencer, 'The Hills' premiere last night gave MTV a new record for viewership. Work it, girls. Below is Mandy Moore's cover of Rihanna's umbrella which was featured on the show. Rocks.

The Hills Have Been Hijacked By Heidi

'The Hills' season 3 premiere was tonight and the whole Jason and Lauren sex tape scandal was front and center as Lauren thinks Heidi and Spencer started the rumor. Despite Spencer saying that if he and Heidi were to get engaged it wouldn't be on Lauren's show, they seemed to have done just that. Slimy Spencer is now saying that it was a promise ring, but um, we just heard you say, "I'm ready to get engaged!" after you bought the ring. He's gross. Heidi is a freak and really needs to get some sun. And what was with that cheesy painting Spencer had put on the wall? Hollywood with $$$ signs all over it in their living room. Now that he is acting as Heidi's manager, you know he rehearses their lines which led to that ridiculous beach scene. Audrina is back with her ex-boy who is like a biker dude, and of course Lauren doesn't like him. Lo was so Laguna when she asked him about the Justin Bobby thing. Now that Audrina and Lauren live together, "Justin my friends call me Bobby" is sure to become a problem. Ooh, and Jason's coming back.

Save The Cheerleader

While we don't watch Heroes, we did watch a lot of Laguna Beach and can't believe that Stephen is dating this actress. Hayden Panettierre is like 17 or something. Wonder what Lauren thinks about it. Ooh, maybe they'll film her reaction for The Hills. Speaking of, Lauren was just seen out in L.A. with Jason. Isn't he supposed to be in jail?

Heidi And Spencer Really Want To Be Famous

Those crazy Hills kids have gone and gotten themselves engaged. Yeah. Like to be married. As you may have guessed, it was all filmed for the upcoming season. Svengali master Spencer is even in talks with MTV that he and Heidi star in a new "reality" series like The Newlyweds. That was 2 references to Nick tonight. When it rains, it pours.

The Hills Are Alive

US Weekly is all about the "The Hills" these days, featuring Jason Wahler and Heidi Montag in the recent issue. The above photo is Jason supposedly playing Russian roulette with his friends. Whatever. The sex tape he made with Lauren will not be released as it was deemed boring and he gave a lackluster performance. That should do wonders for his rep in jail. Add that to his racist and homophobic slurs to police and Jason is headed for a world of hurt. Meanwhile, Lauren's ex-BFF, Heidi Montag, bought herself some new boobs and had her nose done. These kids never learn.

The Laguna Lowdown

Now we totally understand if you're not into Laguna Beach and The Hills, so you can bypass this post and scroll down. For the rest of you, here's the latest on our favorite spoiled brats from Orange County. Before he heads off to jail, Jason Wahler decided to add a fourth arrest to his record, this time in Washington state. He was charged with assault and the arresting officer included Jason's racist statements in his log. Not only did Jason say he was a millionaire and would have the cop's ass, but he also used the "n" word as well as the "f" word (the one that rhymes with maggot). As for his classmates from high school, two of his ex-girlfriends have also been in the news recently. Jessica, below, was arrested for driving drunk and Lauren "LC" Conrad was rumored to have a sex tape (with Jason) coming out. Lauren is claiming that no tape exists and the rumor was started by her ex-roommate and ex-best friend, Heidi Montag and her sleazy boyfriend Spencer. Oy vey. In happier news, Lauren went clubbing Friday night with American Idol contestant Chris "Timberlake" Richardson. Too bad he was in the bottom 3 tonight.

That Laguna Kid Is Now Really Famous

Jason, Jason, Jason. What has become of him? Perhaps he shouldn't have treated all those girls so horribly? It was just last summer that he convinced Lauren to give up an internship in Paris so the two of them could get a summer house which led to their immediate break-up. This was after he terrorized poor Jessica back in high school. Now that he's not on Laguna Beach, nor appearing on Lauren's reality show, The Hills, he seems to be more famous than ever. He even earned his own Associated Press story. Wahler was arrested this past weekend for underage drinking and resisting arrest in North Carolina and released on $1000 bond. Today he appeared in a Los Angeles court stemming from a September 2006 arrest in which he beat up a city worker and a tow truck driver as they went about towing an illegally parked car. Jason and his friends jumped out of their car that was being blocked and beat, kicked and spit on the men. Now he's headed to jail for 60 days and required to attend 101 AA meetings (his blood alcohol level was .22) and 36 hours of anger management classes. He must also attend a class at the Museum of Tolerance because he yelled racial slurs at the African-American men. This kid is a piece of work.

Love, Laguna Style

The crazy kids of reality television have extended their fifteen minutes of fame once again. Lauren "LC" Conrad from Laguna Beach, and later from her own reality show, The Hills, is now an item with Brody Jenner. Brody was with Kristin Cavalleri before getting with Nicole Richie. Lauren and Kristin fought over Stephen during high school and then Lauren dated Jason who dated Jessica, one of Kristin's BFF's. What were we talking about again?

Holy Dunzo-Rama

A couple of summers ago MTV launched the "reality" series Laguna Beach focusing on the lives of very wealthy teens and their dramas in Laguna Beach, California. Lauren (left) and Kristin (right) were rival cool girls both involved with Stephen while Jason (left) was dating Jessica who was best friends with Kristin, then they broke up and he dated Alex M then moved on to Lauren who was called "LC" at the time, and then he kissed Jessica and Lauren saw it and they broke up, then Lauren got her own MTV show called The Hills and then Lauren and Jason got back together and she gave up an internship in Paris to spend the summer with Jason in Malibu. Meanwhile, Kristin called it quits with Stephen and went on to host a party planning show which was promptly cancelled and began dating Brody Jenner (right, son of Bruce Jenner who also had a reality show which we never watched) after Laguna friend Talan, who dated Lindsay and was briefly engaged to Kimberly, introduced the two but then Kristin and Brody broke up and she briefly dated Nick, and then she and Brody got back together. Now this week, both couples have announced their break-ups. Got it?