Your Time Is Now, Cat Marnell

Like all of you, we have favorite websites and blogs where we read a bit, learn a bit, and sometimes laugh and cry a bit. One such website is xojane.com which is helmed by Jane Pratt of 'Sassy' and 'Jane' fame. Fun Fact: We won a bottle of Benetton Colors perfume in the 8th grade by entering a 'Sassy' contest. We were so totally excited when the fancy lady from New York City called on the phone to tell us we had won. Another Fun Fact: Many years later, while living in New York City, we attended Jane Pratt's launch party for 'Jane.' Anyway, xojane.com is one of our sites we dig which brings us to Cat Marnell. Miss Marnell was the beauty and health editor of xojane, having cut her teeth at 'Lucky' magazine back in the day. Along with xojane writers Emily and Julie, Cat was fun to read and her honest voice resonated with readers.

However. Cat is addicted to drugs and is unable to write. She would post maybe one story a week while everyone else was publishing 4 or 5 pieces. Every once in a while she would post a video in lieu of a story wherein she would berate Julie (her former assistant) or snort bath salts or apply self-tanner in a manic state which was not becoming. We're not talking smoking a joint to unwind which would be fine, but Cat is on angel dust, heroin, cocaine, or ecstacy. Having failed at numerous rehabs she is now truculent about her drug use to anyone that will listen, telling Page Six that she can't spend another summer worrying about deadlines when she'd rather smoke pcp with her friends. To that we say, grow the fuck up. You are 31 years old and you can either be a successful writer or be a drug addict. You can't be both. Having just read Bill Clegg's 'Portrait Of An Addict As A Young Man' and Nic Sheff's 'Tweak' we get the whole too addicted to do anything but drugs thing, and we hope Miss Marnell gets it too. This beautiful thing we call life is more than smoking angel dust with your friends. Get it together, kid, for this is your time.

Mayday, Mayday

Octomom Nadya Suleman has finally asked for a rescue by filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. Folks were outraged last month when it was reported that she receives thousands of dollars in food assistance from the state of California, something she promised she would never do back when she added the 8 children to the 6 she had at home. Now she is writing off $1 million in debt. The department of protective services just visited her to check in on her 14 kids after a hairdresser reported deplorable living conditions. A hairdresser, whom we might add, was paid over $500 to make a housecall and cut and Brazilian straighten Octomom's hair. We just can't with this lady. She is a nutjob and we feel horrible for those poor kids. And Nadya? Please stop with all the plastic surgery. You don't look good. You're wasting money that you obviously do not have. Thanks.

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Lindsay Lohan finally finished up her probation a few weeks ago and the judge specifically told her to stay out of the clubs. Being that Lohan wants to be taken seriously and get her life back on track, here she is at Coachella where she was hanging out in the VIP club.

The Great Balloon Hoax of 2009

Dear Lord, what shall we do about the Heene family? It's all so ridiculously sordid and pathetic and what about those children?! First of all, the father needs to be locked away. He should have never been allowed to breed in the first place. Here we have two people that met in an acting class and decided to have children in an effort to become famous. The family was on 'Wife Swap' and we randomly watched the episode back in the day and immediately realized that the show was not for us. The father, Richard Heene, threw milk on the visiting mother and it was all so disgusting and sad and we vowed never to watch the show again...a promise we have kept to this day. Unfortunately, we did watch Jon & Kate Plus Eight for several seasons because we are all about TLC and those kids are gosh darn cute. Sure, we thought Kate was a controlling, maniacal insane person, but it all seemed to work and the kids were having fun and that was that. Now? God help all those kids.

Jim Cramer Stands Outside Studio of "The Daily Show" for Two Weeks, Barefoot, in the Snow

Please, humor us for a few moments as we discuss last weeks biggest entertainment story: a story widely discussed both in anticipation and aftermath, which leaves little demand for the revelation of what our untrained eyes perceive. We refer, of course, to the come-to-Jesus-talk between Jon Stewart and wayward financial reporter Jim Cramer- present as a representative of his network-large ship of fools, CNBC. (Actually a raping, pillaging pirate ship, according to your source. From this apparently subtle distinction emerged the tension which made the interview so bizarre, but more on that later.) We expected more of a battle royale. Anticipation of the confrontation built for a week- complete with the back-and-forth televised jabs necessarry for all celebrity feuds- and nearly reached its boiling point as Cramer smashed Stewart in doughy effigy on the Martha Stewart show. Considering the personalities involved (Economists,-particularly the televised ones, specifically Cramer- strike us as arrogant, argumentative, dogmatic, and unwilling to admit fault or error. Stewart, while not making any claims to debating prowess, has gone toe-to-dialectal-toe with a variety of opponents.) it came as a surprise when Cramer made every possible effort to appease his accuser. Well, it turns out that the "Mad Money" host didn't have a leg on which to stand. Observe:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Important Things w/ Demetri Martin Political Humor

We originally thought that Cramer's willingness to apologize for a vast array of journalistic malfeasance- incompetence, negligence, and a mildly incestuous relationship with the business leaders on whom he reports- originated from a strategy to avoid confessing to the gravest crime of which Stewart accused him: near-criminal facilitation of the manipulations perpetrated by the financial blood-suckers on Wall Street- a form of PR plea-bargain. In any case- the two cable news personalities must never have struck any bargain, or Cramer will soon follow the last hack who displeased Stewart- Tucker Carlson- into exile in journalistic Siberia. His infraction of the apparently non-existent plea-bargain occured on the Today Show. Cramer described Stewart's accusations as "naive and misleading," and attributed his unwillingness to point out Stewart's myopia at a more appropriate moment (say, for example, during their half-hour conversation) to a trained reflex to "take the high road." Apparently, one follows this righteous path by telling people what they want to hear when it suits you and strut around as you recant the next week. Why bother doing interviews if the guests just jerk off the hosts and then act like it doesn't mean anything?


We're guessing that right before the mics turned on, John Stewart got into Cramer's head with something along the lines of: "Listen, you cocksucker, I lost a fortune on your bogus financial advice, so don't piss me off. I will not hesitate to stab you." Nothing else explains how contrite ass-kissing could revert back to hubris and arrogance once safely out of shiv-range. Unless, of course, Cramer is just a gigantic, soulless pussy.

Octo-Douchetraub: The Next Hollywood Power Couple?

We have refrained from making any comments on this "Octomom" debacle. The reasons for this include an unwillingness to make light of the saddening circumstances forced upon fourteen innocent children by Suleman's madness and our anticipation of receiving little satisfaction from an activity much like shooting fish in a barrel. (Here is a perfect example of the distastefulness of this subject: we might have said "like stealing candy from a baby who has no ability to hold onto candy because his crazy mother implanted her uterus with six embryos and consequently is extremely premature, undernourished, and faces serious potential health problems-" but that would be just plain wrong and sad.) Regardless- we will circumvent the morass of Octomom's multi-faceted insanity, as that is plain for all to see. Instead, we would like to make a small suggestion, in light of the recent departure of a second publicist: she should just enroll in the David Weintraub talent agency. Considerations that probably deterred previous publicists- such as greed, sanity, decency, dignity, his clients' well-being, etc- clearly mean very little to him.

Kenan Thompson: SNL Should Emulate "Jerry Springer"

Apparently Kenan Thompson thinks SNL should still welcome the fists-of-misogyny-tarnished pop singer Chris Brown on the show- contingent upon his release of a hit single. He even went so far as to say that it would be "crazy" if both Brown and Rihanna appeared on the show together. Apparrently, his talent in comedy does not carry over to public relations. We like Thompson, but would prefer that he stick to making jokes: the only appropriate context of these recent inane comments.

G.O.P. Chairman Unveils Pathetic, Desperate Strategy to Restore Party's Relevance

Sadly, events call upon us to take a step back from the sensible "Lost" island and its adherence to rational principles. Once again we must plunge into another man-made hell of absurdity - in this case, the tortured collective psychosis of the undead political organization known as the Republican Party.

Apparently GOP chairman Michael Steele wants to extreme-makeover his party for the 21st century, with hip-hop. This is not as much of a stretch as most people might think. If you assume that all African-Americans resemble-with little variation- the caricatures presented in certain gangster rap videos, (and we're guessing that many in the party of Limbaugh share exactly this assumption) Republicans and "black people" actually have a lot in common. Guns, materialism, lawlessness, and bogus invocations of "God" could all bridge the gap between these seemingly disparate groups. Maybe Steele can court Chris Brown (who recently demonstrated -albeit a little over zealously- his adherence to the misogynistic outlook of the GOP) as a cultural ambassador.

Is "Sober House" Stupid, Ironic or Just Cruel?

Clearly we are naive and have yet to get hip to the logic of contemporary reality TV, because our first reaction to VH1's vicious-cycle-recovery-relapse-extravaganza took on an element of smug superiority: "Obviously this environment will lead them to a relapse with the pressure of the cameras, etc..." We will not arrogantly presume to be smarter then the big-wigs who created "Sober House-" just more humane and decent, apparently.

The individuals responsible for this travesty must know that the putative clean living facility they've created for our viewing pleasure includes all the ingredients of an adult Lord of The Flies. We can't help but applaud the brilliance in devising a way to televise the ordeals of celebrities with substance abuse issues that garner so much attention. Accomplishing this, however, requires putting vulnerable individuals in need of genuine help and support under what amounts to the magnifying class of individuals playing God by sadistically incinerating insects. We would expect this indifference to human suffering from soulless TV executives, but Dr. Drew, who supposedly took an oath to do no harm, has earned himself a special place in Hell for his part in this modern-day equivalent of a Roman Coliseum.To continue the coliseum metaphor, David Douchetraub serves the same purpose as a lion sent to devour hapless Christians. He is a big, dumb animal whose arrogance, egoism, and generally obnoxious behavior inflicts psychological carnage on the show's participants at a vastly faster rate than they would inflict it on each other- their various destructive instincts restrained by basic human decency and the delusion that anyone expects-or even wants- "Sober House" to resemble its bullshit title.

Ayn Rand: Real Housewife of New York City

If the arrogance, soulless materialism, and inhumanly large forehead didn't exactly spell out a connection between real housewife, Alex McCord, and prophet of Godless capitalism, Ayn Rand, we have (somewhat belatedly) stumbled upon undeniable evidence that the would-be socialite adheres to Rand's so-called philosophy of objectivism. While catching up with the housewives in fevered anticipation of next Tuesday's premiere, McCord quoted, approximately: "if you observe something that you think is a contradiction, check your premises, because one of them is wrong." This reeks of Atlas Shrugged. Nobody quotes Ayn Rand unless they actually buy into her bullshit.
While the ordeal of watching McCord's shallow social-climbing is not as compelling an example of the destructive influence of Ayn Rand's legacy as that of former fed chairman/John Galt wannabe Alan Greenspan's ideological preference for reckless deregulation (which contributed directly to the financial meltdown of 2008), we can't just let this slide. It takes a special kind of stupid to consider yourself smarter than everybody else just because you've read a fictional account of an individual who is smarter than everybody else. At least they aren't scientologists.

A Very Hilton Holiday

Finally! We think the "blogger is a bitch" issue has been solved with the help of our new BFF, Firefox. Sorry, Explorer, we had a good run together but we're just not that into you anymore. Speaking of BFF's, Porn-star Paris Hilton has a silly show on MTV about finding a new BFF which we refuse to watch, even if there is absolutely nothing else on. Apparently she's not getting enough attention from the paparazzi these days so Hilton announced she is officially back in whore mode. After nine months of dating Benji Madden, brother of Nicole Richie's baby daddy, Joel Madden, the couple is dunzo. In true Paris fashion, she got it on with her ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos in Miami before actually letting Madden know that she was done with him. As we head into the slow holiday gossip cycle, we predict Paris will date seven guys, get in two drunken brawls and have at least three pregnancy rumors surrounding her. Holy 2006.

Delusion Of The Day

You know how sometimes you'll be driving and a song comes on that you totally love, so you start singing along? Certainly, you say, music is fun. We sometimes sing T.V. theme songs or ditties we compose on the fly about how cute the puppies are. Growing up, we sang in the church choir and in the sixth grade we sang a few solo's in a Christmas play and then, we moved on because that's what folks do. Only certain people like Elza or Beyonce should sing professionally. They are singers. Kim from 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' is not a singer. Like...she is the opposite of a singer. If we didn't know Dallas Austin is a famous producer (that once got busted in Dubai with blow) then we would swear the above clip was filmed as a joke. Unfortunately for everybody involved, Kim is serious. And what in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is up with her hair?!? That shit is straight up plastic. Kim needs to move on. And buy a better wig.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

John Edwards has finally admitted to having an affair with Reille Hunter beginning in 2006. He blamed it on the inflation of his ego surrounding his run for President. Apparently he felt he could do no wrong. During this same time Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, was diagnosed with an incurable cancer that she discovered while on the campaign trail with her husband. The Edwards family was on Oprah back in the day and we genuinely believed that John Edwards was a stand-up guy. Ummmmm, no. The good ol' Enquirer reporters got on the case after a woman on Edwards' staff came down with a good ol' pregnancy and now the rest is history. Edwards was visiting the mistress and her baby in a hotel when he was confronted by an Enquirer reporter at 3 in the morning. Edwards ran into a restroom in the basement of the hotel and refused to come out. Did we mention it was 3 in the morning? In addition to the $100 plus grand she received to film videos of Edwards on his press tours, the woman has been receiving up to $15,000 per month to keep the affair quiet. Edwards went on Dateline and said that the baby is not his and that he would do a paternity test if the baby mama agreed and you guessed it....baby mama does not want a paternity test. Oh, and he was not aware that she was receiving money. Of course.

Six Degrees Of Spencer Pratt

The culmination of a creatively bankrupt TV genre, The Hills, has endorsed the culmination and/or the impotent death spasms of a morally and intellectually bankrupt political movement, McCain for President. Without opening the Pandora's Box of political discussion over cocktails: it should come as no surprise that two guys who made a career of leeching off their mates and acting self-righteous on camera would feel drawn to each other.

The true meaning of this story remains open to interpretation. Spencer's announcement that he will be working with McCain's daughter to visit Iraq could be a subtle announcement that the reality TV community, like the military, will check its fantastic power in service of the civilian-elected government. The other, and more likely case, is that Spencer expressed his hope to see Heidi as McCain's running mate in order to set the stage for an upcoming season of The Capitol Hills. Prepare yourself for a domestically-focused Vice Presidency, as Spencer will throw a hissy-fit every time Heidi tries to schedule a diplomatic mission. The craziest part of this travesty: the studio planned this years in advance. After McCain dies of a heart attack brought on by the emotional stress of constant exposure to exaggerated, dour, reality TV facial expressions, Spencer will help Heidi select a new VP in a reality show a la Joe and Slade in the abominable "Date my Ex-Heidi and Spencer Edition." When asked for comment, Heidi simply said, "I love Jesus." Seriously. We could not make this stuff up.

Diary Of A Douchebag

Holy shitski, the divorce trial of Christie Brinkley and douchebag husband, Peter Cook, started last week. Fantastic!!! Among the things that Cook was forced to admit in open court was that he paid his mistress, Diana Bianchi, above photo, over $300,000 to keep quiet about the affair. If you're new to the drama, check out the background here. It has been exactly 2 years since Brinkley filed for divorce from Captain Douchebag. Among other things he confessed on the stand, he masturbated in front of his webcam on a swingers' site and sent threatening emails to Bianchi to make sure she didn't spill the beans. It was Bianchi's stepfather, (a police officer in the Hamptons) that told Christie of the affair. Certainly Peter Cook never imagined his last name would prove to be his destiny.

Once, Twice, Three Times A Bride

Now, we're no experts but something tells us that Pam Anderson is a very poor judge of character. There was wedding number one to Tommy Lee on the beach after they had known each other for a lengthy three days. Wedding number two was last summer and we all know how that worked out. Ahem. Wedding number three was last month to the loser, Rick Solomon, during a break in her shows for that weird magician slash lion tamer dude. In Vegas. A couple of weeks ago she filed for divorce but then said they "were working on it." Not so much anymore. The divorce is going through and perhaps we've all learned a lesson or two. Working on it does not include staying out until 5 am snorting blow. But again, we're no experts.

We Get It, Britney, Now Put It Away

Before we get into the whole family, kids, custody, no underwear issues, we must ask: What the hell is going on with Britney's weave? Is that even a weave anymore? What the hell is on her head? It probably scares her kids, not to mention the judge presiding over her custody battle. So Brit's mother and sister have reconciled with her and are currently out in Los Angeles trying to help her straighten out her life. That is a good thing....sort of. They need to buy her an alarm clock, maybe even babysit the crazy gal because she is incapable of taking care of herself. She overslept and missed the court hearing regarding custody much like she overslept and missed her first few drug tests. The good news, however, is that she did pass a few random drug tests recently and was awarded one supervised overnight visit per week with her sons. Her record label has pushed up the date for her album's release because so much of it has already been leaked online, and her first single "Gimme More" remains at the top of the charts. Okay. Now for the bad news...the little outfit she's wearing above is not only missing a bra, but she doesn't have any underwear on either. You guessed it, there are shots of her vagina all over the internet. Again. This is the third time she's shown her va-jay-jay to the world. It wasn't cute then, and it's certainly not cute now. For the love of God, someone make her stop.

Let The Games Begin

Lock up your sons and husbands, Lohan is out of rehab. On Friday she was officially released from the rehab facility where she's been shopping, er, faking it, er, getting help. Ahem. What we can gather is that she was actually getting fucked up in rehab which is no surprise to us and of course the British tabloids have been all over that shit. There have been stories about how she has people give her large water bottles filled with vodka at AA meetings. Everyone wants to be her friend apparently, including her daddy who is freaking loving the publicity. We also heard she was hooking up with Sonny Bono's son, also a patient there. Her publicist put out a story that Lohan was moving to Manhattan and looking to attend college. Yeah, and we're about to run a marathon. Puh-lease. Lohan gave the obligatory paid interview to OK! magazine but her comments are too ridiculous for us to even bother typing out. Hey, we have standards.

The Lowdown On Lohan

Lohan has been in a Utah rehab for more than a month now and when her mother Dina was asked about an imminent release, she replied via email, 'Not true, staying in Utah.' Lindsay has reconciled with her father and the two will spend five days together at an undisclosed facility. You know they'll get all drunk together. There were rumors that Lohan had sex with a fellow rehabber in a bathroom and now the guy's wife is divorcing him. The guy (above) is named Tony and is in some band and normally wears a lot of eyeliner. Yeah, one of those. Anyway his wife's family is worth a couple of billion dollars so her lawyers are going for the throat. Oh, and they have 8-month-old twins together. Lohan's rep issued a statement saying that Lindsay and Tony are friends and that she was not involved in the demise of the marriage. We think Lohan did her a favor because why would this chick be with a drug-addicted, eyeliner-wearing loser like him anyway? He's 39 years old and wears eyeliner. Enough said.
Moving on...Steve-O went on Howard Stern and described how Lindsay stole cocaine from him. Apparently she was at his house and came back saying she left her wallet in the bathroom and swiped his stash. If that's not pathetic, we're not sure what is. In happier news it looks like Lindsay may have discovered the reason that people love dogs (below). She has at least one dog herself although we've never seen a single photo of him, and we try to keep on top of these things. She probably traded him for drugs. We kid.

Bruce Cutler Wins Again

The jury in the Phil Spector murder trial was deadlocked 10 to 2 so now the whole ordeal has to be done all over again. Those 2 jurors holding out for not guilty are now relaxing on a beach with a daiquiri in hand, with Cutler 2 cabanas away. Guaran-fuckin-teed. Spector is obviously guilty and a freak at that. He actually has the above sign on his house. Absolute freak. As you may know, we watched quite a bit of the trial and this guy is nuts. He told his driver, "I think I killed someone," while holding a gun with blood all over it. The driver called 911 and said my boss just killed someone. Um...it was on tape. We all heard it. Do rich Hollywood freaks actually have to be videotaped killing someone for them to get convicted? If that's the case, TMZ should start taping all the celebs at all times. Oh wait, they already do that.