Why So Quiet, Tommy Cruise?

A great big Thank You to Martin Holmes, father of Katie Holmes. Mr. Holmes is a lawyer from Ohio, and he successfully hired the dream team to help his daughter extricate herself from Tom Cruise. Acting as quarterback, Holmes fired anybody Cruise-related. Katie went back to her publicist that Tom forced her to fire when they got together. Tom's bodyguards are gone. Her phone and emails have been changed. She rented a fantastic apartment in Chelsea and filed the divorce in New York, referencing the fact that the family has been living in New York for the past two years. Remember when she ran the NY marathon? Remember when she was on Broadway? Remember when she was a guest judge on Project Runway? Her neighbors are calling New York's Finest to investigate suspicious vehicles filled with Scientology Bullies outside of their building. Rock it out, New York. Now the initial word has been that Katie filed for divorce to keep Suri out of the clutches of the Xenu worshippers. This is understandable. Tom's first two marriages crashed and burned due to his cult religion, so third time's a charm, right? Bert Fields, the Scientology lawyer that has worked for Cruise forever, "announced" that the cult religion had nothing to do with Katie filing for divorce and that the real reason she filed for divorce will be "announced" soon. Bitch, please. Unless Cruise is going to make a big announcement that he's gay, then this Fields dude should shut it. When Tom and Nicole Kidman divorced, he said, "Nic knows the reason." Guess what, Tom? So do we.

Johnny Travolta Gets His Wings

What the what?! Johnny Boy Travolta has finally decided to come out of the closet. As everyone knows, the Church of Scientology has their members do what they call "auditing" during which time the new cult members divulge all of their deepest, darkest secrets. Then, the "church" holds these admissions over the heads of their members to get them to do whatever they want. Members need to tow the line or else their secrets will be revealed. It's common knowledge that high-profile scientologists John Travolta and Tom Cruise enjoy having sex with men. Bisexual, homosexual, whatever the case may be, they have built careers touting themselves as heterosexual family men.

Now, by being so blatantly indiscreet in pursuing his gay massages, John Travolta is in effect outing himself. Way back in 2000 or so, there was a wrestler in Europe or something, that was going to tell his story about having sex with Tom Cruise. Cruise's pitbull lawyer, Marty Singer, shut that shit down before you could say, "But he's Jerry Maguire!" We don't want to get into a big, long discussion about scientology, but there is a pattern of threats and coercion and blackmail and suspicious deaths that dates back before we were born. If the "church" wanted to make Travolta's problems go away, they would. After the death of his son, we would think that John has had enough. So what that he likes to have sex with masseurs? He obviously has an arrangement with his wife, Kelly Preston, and they seem to be doing fine raising their children and living their lives. It's not like being revealed as gay could damage his career. He has no career. If anything, being true to himself will bring him new opportunities.

Both of the plaintiffs suing Travolta are being listed as "John Doe" to protect their identities, and they are being represented by the same attorney. We're a little nervous for said attorney's life but Travolta will undoubtedly settle this out of court so hopefully no one will get hurt. It's interesting to note as well that no one sued that dude that wrote, "You'll Never Spa In This Town Again," which was chock full of stories about Travolta's many gay escapades at the LA Spa. Being that he's totally best friends with Oprah, we say he does a show on OWN where he comes clean about his life. Holy amazeballs ratings that would be.

Ayn Rand: Real Housewife of New York City

If the arrogance, soulless materialism, and inhumanly large forehead didn't exactly spell out a connection between real housewife, Alex McCord, and prophet of Godless capitalism, Ayn Rand, we have (somewhat belatedly) stumbled upon undeniable evidence that the would-be socialite adheres to Rand's so-called philosophy of objectivism. While catching up with the housewives in fevered anticipation of next Tuesday's premiere, McCord quoted, approximately: "if you observe something that you think is a contradiction, check your premises, because one of them is wrong." This reeks of Atlas Shrugged. Nobody quotes Ayn Rand unless they actually buy into her bullshit.
While the ordeal of watching McCord's shallow social-climbing is not as compelling an example of the destructive influence of Ayn Rand's legacy as that of former fed chairman/John Galt wannabe Alan Greenspan's ideological preference for reckless deregulation (which contributed directly to the financial meltdown of 2008), we can't just let this slide. It takes a special kind of stupid to consider yourself smarter than everybody else just because you've read a fictional account of an individual who is smarter than everybody else. At least they aren't scientologists.

Pocket Full Of Kryptonite

So what's the deal with Tom Cruise always putting his hand in his pocket when the press is around? We're thinking maybe it's a secret signal to the Xenu followers or a love message to his boyfriend. Whatever it is, Suri is pissed. Seriously. Look at that kid. Like many Scientard kids (think Leah Remini's appearance on Rachael Ray) she's still on the bottle filled with barley water at like 3 years old. We're no experts, but that is definitely too old for a kid to be on the bottle. That's probably why she's so angry. She's wants her freakin' bah-bah. Last night TomKat attended a Broadway show and deflected attention away from fellow Scientard, Will Smith, after Page Six ran an oh-not-so-blind item about him -'WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut.' Six Degrees of Separation is one of our favorite movies, but we always thought it was strange that Smith refused to kiss his male co-star in the film. Imagine if Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhal said, "Okay, I'll portray a gay guy but I won't kiss another man." Hello! It's a movie. Do your job. Anyway, it's pretty obvious that Will's wife, Jada, plays for the other team and they have a Travolta/Preston marriage, but getting violent is totally scary. As are the Scientards, but you already know all about that. There was a police report filed but after receiving $500,000 cash the report was conveniently misplaced and he didn't press charges. But seriously, what is up with Tom Cruise and the hand in the pocket?

Two Greats Gone Too Soon

The shock of Bernie Mac's death yesterday morning at the early age of 50 was followed with the sudden death of Isaac Hayes this morning at the age of 65. Both men will star in the film, Soul Men, to be released in November of this year. Bernie Mac began his career as a comedian and went on to win several Emmys for The Bernie Mac Show based on his true life experience of raising his drug-addicted sister's three children. Mac appeared in several films including the Ocean's Eleven films for which he appeared on Oprah and discussed his inflammatory lung disease which had been in remission since 2005. The actor was admitted to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago last week with pneumonia and was expected to make a full recovery. Bernie Mac is survived by his wife of 31 years, Rhonda, and their daughter and granddaughter.

Isaac Hayes was found on the floor next to his treadmill in a basement room in his Memphis home by family members. A soul singer and songwriter, Hayes won an Oscar in 1972 for best original song for the film Shaft. Hayes also won several Grammy awards before filing for bankruptcy in 1976 when his record company took a financial hit. He attracted a new audience in the 1990's as Chef on the long-running show South Park. Somewhere in there, Hayes got himself mixed up with the Scientards. Two years ago Hayes suffered a stroke which caused him to leave South Park, although the "Church" of Scientology released a statement insinuating that he quit because of an episode that exposed the scariness of the cult. Chief-Scientards Tom Cruise and John Travolta starred in the Emmy-nominated episode called Trapped In The Closet. Cruise made such a stink about the episode that Sumner Redstone fired him from Paramount. Similar to Crazy Tom Cruise, Isaac Hayes was abandoned by his father as a child and his flamboyance had rumors swirling that he played for the other team. Tom has been married three times, Isaac has been married four times. In the past year, two opponents of Scientology have mysteriously died alone in their homes, so we won't be surprised if it turns out Hayes was no longer willing to pay 10% of his income to the church and they helped him along to his death. Hayes just finished playing himself in the film, Soul Men, which stars Jackson, Mac, Sean Hayes and Jennifer Coolidge. Isaac Hayes is survived by 12 children. Rest In Peace.

Those Baby Buyers Are Bananas

This summer has been a disappointment thus far in celebrity news so many thanks to People and Hello for giving us something to talk about. We are very happy for The Royal Family and their new twins, Knox and Vivienne. But for the love of God, 14 million frickin' dollars?! It's a good thing the economy isn't in the shitter or this type of greed might seem excessive. Poor little Shiloh only raked in $4 mil for her photos. At least Shiloh made it onto the cover, unlike those other kids that no one seems to care about anymore. Sadly for them, Maddox, Pax and Zahara just moved one step closer to becoming "the adopted ones." Sort of like Connor and Isabella Cruise. Who? Exactly.

Dude, Just Give Me Your Hand

TomKat was everywhere last week in an effort to promote 'Lions For Lambs' which stars Tom, Robert Redford and Meryl Streep. Snoozefest. It bombed in theaters over the weekend. Above is a photo of Katie doing her job and accompanying Tommy Boy to a premiere after she had just run the NYC marathon. Good for her. Lance Armstrong also ran the marathon and capped it off with a week of making out in public with Ashley Olsen. Yes, that Ashley Olsen. In other TomKat news, Andrew Morton's tell-all about Tom and his freak flags is set to hit bookstores on January 15th. Juicy.

Included in the biography will be the goods about Tom's sexuality as well as Scientard information. Last month a guy that had tried to blackmail Tom ended up dead of an *apparent* suicide. Hey, any man that wears this much blush is totally straight. Like a line.

Finally, we get to the fun part of the TomKat review. Katie was off making a movie for a while there with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah called 'Mad Money.' The trailer is below and it actually looks pretty awesome. Way to go, girl. No, Tom, not you. Your wife.

Maverick Gets A New Wingman

TomKat teamed up with Will Smith and wife, Jada, to throw a welcome party for Posh and Becks. They held it at a museum but we're sure there will be some sort of luncheon this week at the Celebrity Scientology Center. Tom wants a piece of that. Bad.

Spice Up Your Life

Posh was named Glamour's Woman of the Year and she chose to wear the above to the shindig in London (far away from the influence of Tom Cruise). It's like her very own "Bugger Off" to the Scientards. Oh and NBC announced they'll air a special edition of the Beckham's reality show and if it is received well, they'll run all six episodes. It's called 'Back Off, TomKat.'

Tom Wouldn't Sign The Releases

Word is that Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham has ended her negotiations with NBC to air a reality show based on her and Becks' & kids' move to Los Angeles. Something about her family is important, blah, blah, David was the focus and she was put in a corner? Random. Well, she said, "Nobody puts Posh in a corner!" and that was that. We suspect new neighbors TomKat and his cronies had something to do with it.

My House Is Bigger Than Yours

Where do we begin with the frickin' TomKat situation? Above we have Isabella Cruise one day after she arrived in Australia to visit her mother, Nicole Kidman. Rebellion much? You know Tom is losing his Scientard Shit over that. That is if he has any shit left to lose considering his contract bride, Katie Holmes, has been filming a movie in New Orleans which has had Tom on his private jet down there with great frequency. Like he's there all the fucking time. AND, he rented a house down there that's a half hour away from the rest of the cast and crew working on the movie. Get a life, dude. Below we have the $30 million mansion he bought a few doors down from the $20 million home that Posh and Becks just bought. Freak.

Happy Weekend Y'all

There is still no exciting celebrity news to report, so we'll leave you with this photo of the freakishly large Katie Holmes and her Thetan master, Tom Cruise. We're off to New York as our best friend is having a baby today! Have a fabulous Friday. xoxo

The Freaks Come Out At Night

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attended the Vanity Fair Oscar party and the TomKat freak flag was at full mast. According to reports, "Take a shot of her," he told photographers. But according to an onlooker, the 28-year-old actress refused to take a picture without him. Cruise then led Holmes around by the hand, pulling her back and forth while he mingled and she remained silent. Cruise greeted a few photographers but didn't introduce his wife, who said nothing and stood next to her husband, waiting for him to finish his conversations. He later asked her again to pose for a picture alone, and she finally agreed. "She looks at him for direction," at all times. The Scientard evolution is complete.

Show Me The Money

Jennifer Lopez has been warned by her family not to explore crazy Scientology any further. She is super best friends with Tom Cruise lately and has been a long time friend of Scientard Leah Remini. Tom and Leah have both credited the cult with helping them have children, something about no static or crap like that and J.Lo is desperate to have a baby herself. Her mom, Lupe, worries that an association could damage her reputation, not to mention the 10% of earnings the Scientards are required to give the alien worshippers. Considering J.Lo's fragrance line alone will bring in $1 billion next year, of which she will receive around $150 million, we think Crazy Cruise has more in mind than helping her have a baby. If that was the case, he could just give her Chris Klein's phone number.

The Royal Brangelina Family

Not only are Brangelina stateside, but Angelina is giving interviews about their family and they just did a photoshoot for People magazine. Holy media dream. The couple spent time in Pennsylvania at the Frank Lloyd Wright designed house Falling Water, where Angelina gave a tour of the home to Brad for his upcoming 43rd birthday. She told a staff member, "He's so hard to buy for." Ya think? The couple appeared together on a red carpet for the first time at the NY premiere of her film, The Good Shepherd, in which she co-stars with Matt Damon and Robert De Niro. This morning Angelina was on "Good Morning America" and said that they plan to adopt again, "I want Mad to know that as our family grew and we all came together, we didn't just start having children, biological children. Yes, we have Shiloh and it's been a wonderful experience, but we want to find another brother or sister in the world for our family." She added, "I'm on the pill." Um, too much information. Angelina went on, "You know, now the questions are more when you have a mixed-race family, do you balance the races so there's another African person in the house for Z? So there's another Asian person in the house for Mad? Shiloh has Brad and I she can look at." Wow. She looooooves to talk about her mixed-race family. Mia Farrow also adopted over ten children from around the world and the mixed-race issue was never brought up. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman adopted children of different races and never mentioned "the issue." Angie honey, we get it, now move on.

Even Xenu Can't Help Him Now

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having another wedding spectacular tomorrow in Los Angeles for their friends that were not invited or couldn't make it to Italy. Oprah's rep has confirmed that she was not invited to this party either. Rosie O'Donnell and Barbara Walters were invited, although they will not attend because they have prior engagements. The absence of fellow Scientard John Travolta at the Rome wedding (his wife Kelly Preston attended solo) had many saying that he was boycotting because Oprah is his BFF. Good for him. As for starting a public feud with Oprah Winfrey....good luck with that.

Mr. And Mrs. TomKat

Reps for TomKat released details of the ceremony saying they "officialized" the union in Los Angeles before heading off to Rome. So are they really married? What does officialized mean? Is that a Scientology word? Georgio Armani gave an interview and said that the kiss following the ceremony went on for so long that guests shouted, "Stop! Stop!" We get it, Tom. You love women. You love to kiss women. Now stop trying so hard.

Here Comes The Bride

Did you hear? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married yesterday. Seriously. Here she is before the ceremony watching Tom arrive with his Scientard buddies. She looks psyched.

The Scientards Celebrate

The guests have started arriving in Rome for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding. Guests spotted at the airport today include Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony, Jim Carrey, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Brooke Shields. Tom and Katie ventured out yesterday with Suri, and we're hoping it was so he could get his hair cut. And she might want to do something about the spray tan on her two-toned arm before Saturday. She really should look her best as she boards the Mothership.

Cruise Caught In A Lie

Oprah was in New York last night and when asked about the TomKat wedding by Extra she said, "It's not that I'm not going, it's that they had a limited number of people that they could invite. I was not one of the invitees. That's fine. I don't get invited to everyone's wedding. I don't invite them to everything I do. But I wish them the best." That is surprising as Oprah invited Tom and Katie to her Legends Ball, yet they didn't invite her to their wedding? The castle accommodates 1400 people so the limited number of invites excuse is just dumb. All the Scientards are invited including Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Leah Remini. Other celebrity guests are Will and Jada Smith as well as David and Posh Beckham. There is a rumor that Jennifer Lopez is attending and being that she is best friends with Leah Remini, there may be some truth to it. Random.