Spencer Pratt: "Float like a Douchebag, Fight like a Girl"

If Spencer Pratt actually has a purple belt in Jiu-Jitsu- as claimed by girlfriend Heidi Montag in a weak, desperate attempt to talk him up in front of her parents and an ex-boyfriend- whichever school gave him that belt has some explaining to do. First and foremost: why does he punch like a girl? Yes- Jiu-Jitsu focuses on submission grappling rather than striking, but the emergence of mixed martial arts has proven that an effective fighter must develop a well-rounded proficiency, developing either grappling or stand-up to the detriment of the other at his own peril. We suspect that Heidi and Spencer put their heads together and made up this alleged purple belt to wipe some of the pansy off Spencer's image after his disgraceful performance on the Hills' season premiere: "Sure, he sucker-punched a guy with an uppercut and then proceeded to slap at him with his fist in a tomohawk-like motion, but his triangle choke is tight." Giving a bearded person an abrasion with an uppercut that he does not expect (because honestly, what kind of barbarian starts fights in this day and age?) fails to impress us. One of us recently received a cut on the face inflicted by a mere left hook, through gloves and protective head gear. It's not that big a deal. We will post the fight video as soon as MTV makes the full episode available. In the meantime you can catch a glimpse of Spencer playing patty-cakes in this season 5 preview.

The Hills - MTV Shows

Regardless of the veracity of Spencer's proficiency at a fighting style from a school that is behind the times and fosters aggresion, hostility, and douchiness in its students-as opposed to the usual values of self-respect, -discipline, and -control- he effectively applies a Jiu-Jitsu strategy to his relationship with Heidi. Having wrapped himself around her like an ever-tightening boa constrictor, he has brought her down, isolated and immobilized. Now, he proceeds to finish it of by smothering the life out of her.

Is "Sober House" Stupid, Ironic or Just Cruel?

Clearly we are naive and have yet to get hip to the logic of contemporary reality TV, because our first reaction to VH1's vicious-cycle-recovery-relapse-extravaganza took on an element of smug superiority: "Obviously this environment will lead them to a relapse with the pressure of the cameras, etc..." We will not arrogantly presume to be smarter then the big-wigs who created "Sober House-" just more humane and decent, apparently.

The individuals responsible for this travesty must know that the putative clean living facility they've created for our viewing pleasure includes all the ingredients of an adult Lord of The Flies. We can't help but applaud the brilliance in devising a way to televise the ordeals of celebrities with substance abuse issues that garner so much attention. Accomplishing this, however, requires putting vulnerable individuals in need of genuine help and support under what amounts to the magnifying class of individuals playing God by sadistically incinerating insects. We would expect this indifference to human suffering from soulless TV executives, but Dr. Drew, who supposedly took an oath to do no harm, has earned himself a special place in Hell for his part in this modern-day equivalent of a Roman Coliseum.To continue the coliseum metaphor, David Douchetraub serves the same purpose as a lion sent to devour hapless Christians. He is a big, dumb animal whose arrogance, egoism, and generally obnoxious behavior inflicts psychological carnage on the show's participants at a vastly faster rate than they would inflict it on each other- their various destructive instincts restrained by basic human decency and the delusion that anyone expects-or even wants- "Sober House" to resemble its bullshit title.

Recycling Music....Al Gore Would Be Proud

So Kid Rock released a "new" music video. While it lacks the musical energy or inspiration to excite the purists among us, the singer(?)-songwriter(?) must have targeted the niche of people who like a little scandal with their rubber-stamp-bubble-gum-pop......

OK...let's grant him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he included words, music, and background vocals from "Sweet Home Alabama" as an homage- not as a desperate attempt to provide some soul to a song as devoid of life as the corporate boardroom in which it was probably written. (We would question the wisdom of paying homage to a song whose lyrics contain thinly-veiled old-school states-rights, segregationist lyrics, but that involves a variety of different debates for a different day; We are not in the business of analyzing Lynyrd Skynyrd songs.)

Even still: Didn't anybody on the song assembly line notice the striking resemblence of the piano part to "Werewolves of London?" Didn't Vanilla Ice get torn apart for doing the same thing? Maybe we should stop villifying Robert van Winkle and give him the respect he deserves: as a groundbreaker who cleared the way for talentless hacks who want to substitute public persona and cheap imitation for creativity and originality.

Cinderella Made New Friends

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty (fresh from jail) filmed a few precious moments while they were cracked out of their minds. Our favorite part is when Amy's mouse tells Blake not to divorce "mummy." We look forward to the mice turning into horses to pull the carriage so Amy can make it to the ball.

Go Green Or Go Home

Go get your Irish on, yo. We (along with Mary J. Blige) guarantee that on this very special day, everything is gonna be just fine. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

We Really Dislike Spencer Pratt

Heidi and Spencer are so totally desperate. We missed the episode but just caught it over at mtv, click here to watch the "showdown" at ketchup. Doesn't Tara Reid own that place? Totally random.

Cover That Shit Up Already

It's been some time since we've checked in with Tara Reid and we're sort of sorry we did. Apparently the surgeon that "fixed" her botched stomach surgery needs to go back for a little refresher course. That is totally not fixed.

Hopefully They'll Lose The Key

This is quite the boring post as it is all about Paris. Ugh. Seriously, why do they keep moving her to this place and then that. Girl is looney. They say she's on her meds now so she should be able to finish her sentence in the hospital ward of the twin towers at Linwood. Whatever that means. Anyway, above are pics of her family and Stavros visiting her. They need to all visit The Hilton. In Beijing.

Shitfaced Shamrocks

It's been some time since we've checked in on trainwreck Tara Reid and being that we're gearing up for a huge St. Patty's Day, it's only fitting that we devote a post to everybody's favorite Jersey Girl. Last year at this time we were all over her shenanigans like white on rice, but somehow her silly games have lead us to believe that Trix really are for kids. Or at least those adults that think they're still kids. What has Tara been up to? Besides drinking, you ask? Well it's not too exciting, but she's an Irish-American and we have a whole category devoted to her to your right there so the least we can do is give an update. Now that her acting career is dead in the water, Tara has invested what little money she has in a fast-food restaurant called Ketchup in Los Angeles. May the luck of the Irish be with you, Miss Reid. Oh, and look into the concept of the CAMISOLE. Totally fabulous. And yes, we just said totally. Again. From now on, pretend it's 1984 because we're totally into saying totally lately. Totally.

It's Official

Trainwreck Tara Reid hosted the New Year's Party at the Marriott Hotel in Chicago. It's safe to say that her career is over.

Christmas In The Caribbean

Back in October Tara Reid made the talk-show rounds to discuss her plastic surgery nightmare which left her disfigured. She sang the praises of her new surgeon and how he fixed her stomach and breasts and gave her back the confidence she had lost. Funny, because she looks just as disgusting as she always has. Karma's a bitch.

Two Tara's For The Price Of One

One day after she turned 21, Miss USA was given a second chance at her job and Donald Trump gave a press conference about the whole thing. Dude acted like he was giving an acceptance speech at the National Convention. Seriously, who gives a crap about these pageant things anyway? Is this event the same thing as Miss America? Who knows. What we do know, however, is that Freaky-Deaky Trump bought the pageant and used to talk about it ad nauseum on that 'Apprentice' show back before it jumped the shark and we stopped watching it. Miss USA, Tara Conner, is familiar to us because she was on 'Project Runway' and Kayne lost his shit because he's totally Mr. Pageant Gown Designer and we digress. So the deal with Tara is, she lives in the Trump Tower with the Miss Teen Usa and drinks a lot and was having problems and Trump milked it for all it was worth. Tara tested positive for cocaine and Freaky-Deaky said, "She’s agreed to go into rehab. She knows that if she makes even the slightest mistake from here on she will be immediately replaced." Kayne is undoubtedly jumping for joy because she'll wear his winning creation to the Miss Universe Pageant. And the other Tara news is basically the same as it always is. Tara Reid. Drunk.

Terms Of Embarrassment

This picture is reminiscent of the good old days when Tara Reid actually had friends slash babysitters that were able to contain the obnoxious behavior that characterizes her personality. Even as a young actress with mild success, Tara was completely out of touch with reality. Her inflated sense of self is on display in this interview with Howard Stern while her defining moment of 2006 is one of the web's most frequently downloaded clips. The "Tara Tour" made a stop on The View Thursday so that she could play the victim, a role she has perfected. Her trademark cigarette and booze voice was accented by a touch of percocet or codeine (think Paula Abdul on American Idol) so her words didn't come out properly. Add to that these exchanges: Tara, holding up a piece of paper, "Say this is a piece of paper." Joy Behar, "It is a piece of paper, Tara." Audience and co-hosts laugh, Tara turns red. As Rosie O'Donnell and Joy discuss the charity events they hosted the previous night Tara chimes in, "I did work for Until There's A Cause." Rosie had to correct her, "Until There's A Cure." Tara is embarrassed again. Basically we learned that her brother was dating a Playboy Playmate and Tara went to her surgeon without doing research and blah, blah, blah. She claims that her breasts were uneven, that's why she got the implants and she wanted a six-pack stomach, hence the liposuction. She lost her self-confidence and guys that she was with were grossed out by her freak body. Poor thing. Moving on, Eminem revealed on his radio station that he had sex with Tara Reid back in the day which explains her broken engagement to Carson Daly. Nothing says class like sleeping with the friend of your live-in boyfriend. While we are on the topic of engagements, the most pathetic part of the "Tara Tour" was two weekends ago and is the epitome of selfishness and pathetic behavior. A guest at a wedding in Santa Barbara reported on Tara's antics at the rehearsal dinner, "She was the definition of a trainwreck, loudly heckling the family and friends of the bride and groom during their speeches. One of the groom's buddies brought the Reid-tard as his date without telling anyone. If I were the groom, I'd beat the crap out of the guy." The following night, Tara was "blackout drunk before the reception even started. The wedding itself was actually dreamy because Tara spent the night outside in the lobby, crying her drunk face off." Gawker had more details of the weekend with this sighting, "Picture it...The Four Seasons Biltmore in Santa Barbara...mid-afternoon Sunday brunch (which btw is $65...yeah, we were shocked too)...we walk into the main dining room and I think to myself, "damn...that skank looks like Tara Reid." And it was; she was sitting at a table in the front quadrant of the room and positioned so that no matter when you walked in you could see her. Pucci-like do-rag on her head, tight jeans and some sort of Flash Dance-esque top (I must say she did look quite fit and appeared to be sober). We were then seated right behind her. And now for the good stuff...in the middle of brunch she gets up and starts pacing around the restaurant on her sidekick. She wasn't talking loud enough for anyone to hear, but she was walking back and forth over the entire front half of the restaurant; sometimes she stopped by other people's tables to continue her conversation. The sad part was that no one stopped her for an autograph or recognized her...the longer she talked and walked, the more she gesticulated to get people to notice her -- some angry "do what I say" motions, pointing at nothing and I did see her stomp at least 4 times. This went on for at least 10-15 minutes. Seriously. Her brunch companion (male, sandy hair, looked a little like Michael Douglas but probably only in his late 30s/40s) just sat there with his head on his hand and watched. I must try and get down there more often." So there it is. Tara Reid hits rock bottom, ruins an innocent couple's wedding weekend and doesn't even have the manners to pretend to feel badly about it. No apology, no explanation. Just more of the same "Look at me!" childish behavior. So, yes, we'll give you some attention. We'll even introduce you to our friend. Tara? Meet Karma. Let us know how it works out.

Tara Tells The Truth

Ready for some happy news?! Tara Reid finally admitted that her trip down plastic surgery lane was a mistake. We have been saying that for over a year and now she has finally seen the light. Unfortunately for Tara it may be too late for her career, but she has a plan and she told US Weekly all about it. She wants to find a man and start a family as soon as her fix-it-up surgeries heal. As always, we're hoping she makes a comeback even if it's just so we don't have to feel so badly for her all the time.

How To Lose It All In 7 Days

Last Thursday following the VMA's, Paris Hilton was brought to tears outside of Manhattan hotspot Bungalow 8 when she was turned away at the door. Perhaps she shouldn't have looked so smug when former friend Tara Reid was denied entrance the week before at LA club Hyde. Idiot Brandon Davis tussled with the NYPD and we can hear Lohan laughing from Europe.

Lonely, Lonely Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is quickly replacing Tara Reid as the joke around Hollywood. First she was publicly berated by her boss, then her UK record company fired her. Apparently Lindsay did not receive what she perceives to be enough attention from Daddy and told Elle about her many sexual conquests, most of whom were far older than she. Lindsay's promiscuity has already garnered her the title of "Slut" which is not good, especially for a twenty-year-old. That label will stick with her for life. Her once cute personality has been drastically altered by cocaine and alcohol and now she is a self-centered, bitter, irresponsible brat who bad-mouths her friends and family as well as other celebrities. Her public image is one of an insecure and pathetic loser. Last week she was banned from Justin Timberlake's performance in L.A. at the House of Blues because "The last thing his label wants is Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself." Music super-producer Scott Storch re-ignited the "We Hate Lindsay" movement by proclaiming, "We're actually celebrating Firecrotch Day," to a crowd of photogs, fans and tourists in L.A. while the Hilton sisters and Brandon Davis laughed. The moniker's originator, Davis, took the microphone at Paris' album release party in Miami and told the crowd, "I wrote a special new song called 'Firecrotch', and it's for Lindsay Lohan!" To top things off, she seems to have lost her bra.

A Decade Of Difference

Two of the American Pie sweethearts have re-emerged with 10 miles of hard road to show for their journeys. Natasha Lyonne has been battling heroin addiction in Malibu while Tara Reid has been fueling her substance abuse problems in Miami. Natasha is poised for a comeback if she stays clean. Tara? Not so much. Let the games begin.

Bad Parent Of The Day

The American Pie E! True Hollywood Story aired over the weekend which we were hoping would have an interview with our gal Tara Reid, but the only new footage was from Natasha Lyonne's father, Aaron Braunstein. Apparently he is acting as her spokesperson these days and called the Daily News over the weekend to threaten people that have seen Natasha around Manhattan in a heroin-induced stupor. One eyewitness saw her buying syringes at the drug store while another saw her injecting drugs on the sidewalk in Tribeca. We're no experts but we venture to guess that Mr. Braunstein should get his daughter to rehab rather than make up a fictitious story about an acting gig she has which will garner her an Oscar. When a newspaper describes your daughter as looking "like she could die any minute," it might be a good idea to go look for her.

Say Goodbye To Hollywood

Just when we thought that Tara was poised to make a comeback, she crashed and burned like only she can. Not only does she look horrid while in Cannes (above) but she pissed off American beer giant Budweiser merely with her presence. Tara crashed a private X-Men party on the Budweiser yacht and proceeded to demand free hair extensions in the Nikki Beach hospitality suite. Budweiser officials were mortified as they don't want the brand even remotely associated with Tara and being that this is the only photo we can find of her, we're guessing she is a done deal at this point. When the paparazzi say you're over, you're over. Buh-bye.

Donna Martin Graduates

We love, love, love Tori Spelling and her show on VH1. Tonight's episode started with tourists asking her to take a picture in Beverly Hills which she mistakenly thought was a request for a picture of her with the wife unit. No, they just wanted her to take a picture of them. Then her soon-to-be new boyfriend who was watching the encounter said, "It could have been worse. They could have thought you were Tara Reid." Genius.