Holy Sonja Morgan

Ramona Singer just tweeted this photo and oh my Lord, Sonja Morgan looks gorgeous. Looking forward to a new season of Sonja on Real Housewives of New York. She looks more put together at this Super Bowl party than the Sonja of last season. Hoping she is through the post-divorce stages and moving forward with her life....and her toaster oven cookbook. Seriously, we have been waiting for like ever.

Girl, You'll Be A Grandma Soon

The Real Housewives of Orange County was the original and in our humble opinion, it is still the best! Those ladies on the West Coast know how to bring the fabulous drama. We love us some Jersey trash, but the OC ladies have class. You would never hear that Vicki or Heather used to work at a strip club a la the Jersey and Atlanta Housewives. In the case of Gretchen, however, she sure knows how to dress like a stripper and work it.

What can we say about the Pussycat Dolls performance? Alexis said of her creepy husband, Jim Bellino, "Jim's not enjoying it, he's just......[pause].....being a very supportive husband." If Jim isn't enjoying himself it's only because he would rather be at a transsexual burlesque show. The only one more delusional than Alex is Gretchen in thinking that she could pull that song off. Dear Lord, bombs away, indeed. Wait, wait, Slade is off his rocker too. "I'm actually really concerned about Gretchen's performance. I worked very, very hard because this is such a big step career wise for Gretchen and that's important to us."

Tamra said,"I give her kudos for going up there. Her vocals? Ehhhhh, but she looked great." Vicki said, "I wasn't impressed. Like, how can she be up on stage?" The fabulous gay coach said, "You performed which is the most important thing." Gretchen totally should have taken Robin Antin's advice and sex whispered the notes that she was not hitting. Seriously. When the founder of the Pussycat Dolls suggests that you sing it a certain way, you really should listen. She knows what she's talking about.

This has been a tough season for Vicki with the divorce and her daughter's cancer scare and the infamous screaming match with Gretchen, and then there was crazy Sarah starting with her at the bowling party, it has been all too much. After crazy Sarah apologized, Vicki responded with grace which Gretchen should have done when Vicki apologized, but we all know grace and Gretchen are strangers.

The greatest news of the episode was that Briana ran off to Vegas with her Marine boyfriend and got married! This all happened back in October 2011, but news is in today that the happy couple is now expecting their first child. Mazel tov!

Welcome Back, Kathy

Kathy Griffin has a new show on Bravo, Thursday nights at 10, and it is wicked funny. She had regular people guests on rather than celebrities and the girl from Mississippi, Tiffany's roommate, was adorable. (Side note: we're typing this on an iPhone and the autocorrect is bananas.) Kathy discussed all the usual pop culture fun and turned us on to a great new guilty pleasure on vh1: Couples Therapy. If you haven't seen it yet, dvr that shit now. It's totally an amazeballs train pulling into dysfunction junction.

Don't Be Tardy For The Party

The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion continued tonight with a whole lot of back and forth about nothing. Everyone continued to scream on and on about the african baby saga and no one brought up what broke these girls up in the first place - the damn song! Andy asked about it but didn't press for an answer. Ever since season whatever, in which Kim was going to sing the song with Nene, and then she decided to sing it on her own....shit. was. on. Nene acted like she didn't care that she wasn't on the song, and then Kandi acted like she didn't care all that much that Kim didn't pay her for producing the song, and Kim has never been held responsible for her behavior. She can't sing to save her life and would never have had a hit if Kandi had not produced it. The song was successful because Kandi's track is beyond catchy and that woman is a brilliant producer, yet Kim kept all the proceeds. That is some bullshit, to quote the ladies of the ATL. To add insult to injury, the song is now the theme song to Kim's spin-off show, Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding. Not that we're keeping score (we are) but Kim has now wronged Nene, who got her on the show, and Kandi, who made her wealthy. Careful, honey, karma is a bitch.

We Watched What Happened, Live

One of our favorite actresses, Loretta Devine, was on Andy Cohen's show, Watch What Happens Live, and he asked her what advice she had for Nene Leakes now that Nene is in the acting world. Loretta said, "Oh God, stop talkin' about money because real actresses know how much you make." Loved it! Loretta was awesome in 'Waiting To Exhale' and she's perfect on 'The Client List' and is a highly respected actress and we hope Miss Nene will take her advice. A role on 'Glee' does not a fortune make, Boo.

The Cabin In The Woods

The Real Housewives of Orange County is better than ever with the addition of Heather Dubrow into the mix. Heather is a nice Jewish girl from New York turned Hollywood Actress/Stay At Home Mom. Despite being married to a plastic surgeon, she is the most natural of all the OC ladies. Speaking of plastic surgery, Tamra Barney had her big, giant trailer park breast implants removed and her BFF, Vicki, was such a bitch about it. And what is up with Vicki's new boyfriend, Brooks?! He is total ugh and a big downgrade from Don Gunvalson, not to mention he is a little too interested in Vicki and Don's divorce settlement. Dude! It's none of your business! Back to plastic surgery - Alexis! She is a mess. After her nose job, she is one step closer to being an actual barbie doll. She had a gorgeous face, but now it's just generic and whatever. After their house was foreclosed on, one would think Alexis and her creepy husband would think twice about spending a fortune on plastic surgery, but they both went out and had extensive and very expensive work done. Brilliant.

Alexis planned for the ladies to go camping which she insisted on calling "glamping" which was annoying and not nearly as cute as she thought it was. Between complaining about her nose job and pretending she was too glamorous to be camping, Alexis got on our last nerve. Heather expressed our thoughts exactly when she said, "I wanna like Alexis and then she says these things that just make me nuts. Give it a rest, you don't have to prove anything to me. I don't care what you drive." Well said.

Bravo Must Stop this Shameless Exploitation of the Handicapped

We thought Bravo pushed the boundaries of good taste in "Real Housewives" by showcasing the survival stories of middle-aged women horribly disfigured by plastic surgery gone awry and their struggle to overcome various anger-management issues. With its newest show, "NYC Prep," Bravo has clearly blown past that boundary. We do not find it amusing to watch what appears to be the end result of Bravo producers encouraging a group of special-needs children to drink alcohol and parade around like high-society douche-bags.
But seriously: This show makes it look like everyone in the "elite" circle of Manhattan's private schools is either retarded or inbred.

Obama Draws the Crazies out of the Woodwork

From McCain/Palin supporters intent on turning campaign rallies into lynch-mobs to cartoonists passing off thinly veiled metaphors for racist violence against our President as humor, Barack Obama's presidency doesn't exactly to promote subtlety- among other things- in his political opponents. While not quite as ugly as (although sometimes overlapping with) individuals with racially-based misgivings towards Obama, economic dissenters are equally prone to pant-wetting hysteria. Most conspicuously, Rick Santelli treated the TV-viewing public to a tantrum of epic proportions resulting from three possible causes: 1- A total loss of his shit, akin to a little child who just found out he will not get to ride the pony at his own birthday party; 2-A shameless desire to gain publicity by screaming simplistic economic ideas that would not be noteworthy if uttered at a reasonable volume; 3-A plan to send the video of his rant as an audition tape for a spot on the upcoming launch of "Real Housewives: Chicago."



This video is remarkable not for anything original or even all that intelligent in its message, but for its inherent contextual irony and its rapid proliferation on cable news by virtue of its sensational content. Santelli, a former derivatives trader, arouses populist sentiment on a trading floor against the "losers" struggling to stay afloat in economic circumstances beyond their control- circumstances created in part by Mr. Santelli and his ilk. The fact that he caps it off with "this is America-" referring to traders on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange- puts this in the "let them eat cake" league of out-of-touch, arrogant, douchebag elitism. The fact that a "journalist" would be rewarded with publicity for so flagrantly violating the standards of his profession confirms that cable news now takes its cues from reality TV: make as big a scene as possible and maybe you get your own spin-off.

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Finally: As far as "losers" are concerned, we would like to ask Mr. Santelli what you call a hack reporter who, rather than excel at his job, draws attention to himself by acting like a less rational version of Joe the Plumber and the cast of "Tool Academy." If we really need somebody to quote Ayn Rand at us, we'll just watch "Real Housewives of New York City." Alex McCord has us covered in that department.

The Sun Never Sets on "Real Housewives"

Holy continuity. As the OC crew hands it off to the East Coast, we cannot help but contemplate the glorious possibility of a rotation that allows for the constant airing of new episodes of the "Real Housewives" franchise. It's the same basic idea behind the perpetual adoration chapel at your local Catholic church, only dedicated to the adoration of gossip-mongering, shallowness, and bitchiness rather than the traditional favorites of holiness and chastity. Pulling this off shouldn't present too much of a challenge, given the apparent abundance of bat-shit crazy women desperate to appear on television. If they must add one more city to the franchise, so be it. The madness only gets more balls-to-the-wall with each succesive iteration.
Alex McCord apparently got a haircut and did something about her teeth. Unfortunately she still annoys the hell out of us. This clearly demonstrates the simple truth that internal ugliness can co-exist with external beauty. That being said, we would not describe McCord as even approaching beautiful. She looks like a skeleton.
To be perfectly honest, we are in something of a state of shock. Tonight's two-hour extravaganza was by far the longest some of us have been exposed to the "Real Housewives." This has precipitated a minor crisis regarding our faith in humanity, which we previously didn't imagine capable of such unimaginable horror. As such, we will put on hold our planned discussions - "How gay is Simon?" "What planet is Ramona from?" "Why does Bethanny have softballs hanging helter-skelter from her chest in the pool?" etc.- until we emerge from the fetal position.

Ayn Rand: Real Housewife of New York City

If the arrogance, soulless materialism, and inhumanly large forehead didn't exactly spell out a connection between real housewife, Alex McCord, and prophet of Godless capitalism, Ayn Rand, we have (somewhat belatedly) stumbled upon undeniable evidence that the would-be socialite adheres to Rand's so-called philosophy of objectivism. While catching up with the housewives in fevered anticipation of next Tuesday's premiere, McCord quoted, approximately: "if you observe something that you think is a contradiction, check your premises, because one of them is wrong." This reeks of Atlas Shrugged. Nobody quotes Ayn Rand unless they actually buy into her bullshit.
While the ordeal of watching McCord's shallow social-climbing is not as compelling an example of the destructive influence of Ayn Rand's legacy as that of former fed chairman/John Galt wannabe Alan Greenspan's ideological preference for reckless deregulation (which contributed directly to the financial meltdown of 2008), we can't just let this slide. It takes a special kind of stupid to consider yourself smarter than everybody else just because you've read a fictional account of an individual who is smarter than everybody else. At least they aren't scientologists.

Delusion Of The Day

You know how sometimes you'll be driving and a song comes on that you totally love, so you start singing along? Certainly, you say, music is fun. We sometimes sing T.V. theme songs or ditties we compose on the fly about how cute the puppies are. Growing up, we sang in the church choir and in the sixth grade we sang a few solo's in a Christmas play and then, we moved on because that's what folks do. Only certain people like Elza or Beyonce should sing professionally. They are singers. Kim from 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' is not a singer. Like...she is the opposite of a singer. If we didn't know Dallas Austin is a famous producer (that once got busted in Dubai with blow) then we would swear the above clip was filmed as a joke. Unfortunately for everybody involved, Kim is serious. And what in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is up with her hair?!? That shit is straight up plastic. Kim needs to move on. And buy a better wig.

Paula's Tryin To Tell A God Damn Story

Bravo is all about the summer television series and 'Hey Paula' is nearly as delicious as Kathy Griffin's 'My Life On The D-List.' The difference between the two is clear above when Paula Abdul has a breakdown after she finds out she's been fired from the Bratz movie. Dear Lord. We've watched nearly every episode of this show and she is straight up on prescription meds. No doubt about it.

How Will I Know If He's Thinking Of Me

It has been quite awhile since Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been in the news and the absence of their reality show from this summer's BRAVO line-up leads us to believe that they are in no shape to be on television. We only wish we could see their reaction to the new Harper's Bazaar interview in which Osama Bin Laden's former sex slave, Kola Boof, explained of the terrorist's obsession for Whitney. Boof explains, "He said that he had a paramount desire for her and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting. He would say how beautiful she is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband, Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed. He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his wives." Obviously it was quite some time ago when he had these feelings towards Whitney. In recent years, she and Bobby have inexplicably traveled to Israel which she proclaimed "my homeland," and her "nice smile" has been replaced with false teeth after years of crack cocaine use. No wonder he hates American culture so much.

Must See Summer TV

Our favorite funny girl, Kathy Griffin, is back with her second season of 'My Life On The D-List' on Tuesday nights at 9pm on BRAVO. The season premiere is tonight and we can't wait to see what's going on with Matt and Renee Zelwegger and the main gays and the puppies and the live-in gay visionary and Star Jones....it's sure to be hilarious.

Desperate Revisited

Maxim celebrated its 100th Magazine with a giant cover shot in Nevada that can be seen from space. And yes, that is our fave Desperate Housewife, Mrs. Solis. Speaking of Faves, our new favorite show - 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' on Bravo. We're off to find some pics of the gals so we can pull you all into our reality-based tv environment.

My Life On The D-ivorce List

We can not even believe that Kathy Griffin and Matt Moline are getting divorced. As loyal watchers of 'My Life On The D-List' on Bravo this past summer, we grew to love Kathy and Matt together. He's a big teddy bear and the two of them were so in love on the show. What happened? After four and a half years of marriage Kathy files for divorce? Just Like That? In the time between the Oscars (which Kathy hosted for E! and was the finale of her reality show's first season) and today, some serious shit went down. We'll continue our Red Wine Coverage while we work through our stages of denial.

TV Tonight

Being Bobby Brown is this summer's greatest debut and in tonight's episodes we're sure Whitney will have a variety of scarves, hats and "Hell, to the No's" to offer while they shop in London. 10pm on BRAVO.

Mr. Whitney Houston

'Being Bobby Brown' premieres tomorrow night on BRAVO promising to make this summer a little more fun.

Desperate Drama

We love Desperate Housewives and were very annoyed when ABC took a five-week break to show the Oscars and some other crap on Sunday nights. We forgot to turn the clocks ahead last Sunday so we missed last week's episode, but the ladies aired a real-life episode at the photo shoot for the above cover. Apparently Marcia Cross went all Dr. Kimberly Shaw (Melrose Place) because she didn't want Teri Hatcher placed in the center of the photo, something about Teri being considered the star or something. Teri did win a Golden Globe while Marcia was almost outed as a lesbian, but that's neither here nor there. They all look fab, but only three show on the cover when it is folded properly. We predict a salary negotiations war in the future and hopefully Marcia will have to shave her head again like in her last show. That was memorable.