Bravo Must Stop this Shameless Exploitation of the Handicapped

We thought Bravo pushed the boundaries of good taste in "Real Housewives" by showcasing the survival stories of middle-aged women horribly disfigured by plastic surgery gone awry and their struggle to overcome various anger-management issues. With its newest show, "NYC Prep," Bravo has clearly blown past that boundary. We do not find it amusing to watch what appears to be the end result of Bravo producers encouraging a group of special-needs children to drink alcohol and parade around like high-society douche-bags.
But seriously: This show makes it look like everyone in the "elite" circle of Manhattan's private schools is either retarded or inbred.

Spencer Pratt: "Float like a Douchebag, Fight like a Girl"

If Spencer Pratt actually has a purple belt in Jiu-Jitsu- as claimed by girlfriend Heidi Montag in a weak, desperate attempt to talk him up in front of her parents and an ex-boyfriend- whichever school gave him that belt has some explaining to do. First and foremost: why does he punch like a girl? Yes- Jiu-Jitsu focuses on submission grappling rather than striking, but the emergence of mixed martial arts has proven that an effective fighter must develop a well-rounded proficiency, developing either grappling or stand-up to the detriment of the other at his own peril. We suspect that Heidi and Spencer put their heads together and made up this alleged purple belt to wipe some of the pansy off Spencer's image after his disgraceful performance on the Hills' season premiere: "Sure, he sucker-punched a guy with an uppercut and then proceeded to slap at him with his fist in a tomohawk-like motion, but his triangle choke is tight." Giving a bearded person an abrasion with an uppercut that he does not expect (because honestly, what kind of barbarian starts fights in this day and age?) fails to impress us. One of us recently received a cut on the face inflicted by a mere left hook, through gloves and protective head gear. It's not that big a deal. We will post the fight video as soon as MTV makes the full episode available. In the meantime you can catch a glimpse of Spencer playing patty-cakes in this season 5 preview.

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Regardless of the veracity of Spencer's proficiency at a fighting style from a school that is behind the times and fosters aggresion, hostility, and douchiness in its students-as opposed to the usual values of self-respect, -discipline, and -control- he effectively applies a Jiu-Jitsu strategy to his relationship with Heidi. Having wrapped himself around her like an ever-tightening boa constrictor, he has brought her down, isolated and immobilized. Now, he proceeds to finish it of by smothering the life out of her.

Comedy What of Who?

We died a little inside upon our first viewing of commercials for "Comedy Central Presents the Friar's Club Roast of Larry the Fuck-wad." We find it unacceptable that someone should base a career on not only making people comfortable in their ignorance and crassness, but actually reveling in his own redneck-ness. At least Jeff Foxworthy was tongue-in-cheek about it. However: shortly after we finished wondering "who is Lisa Lampanelli and why must the Friar's Club constantly remind us that she is old, fat, and has sex with a lot of black men?" we had a revelation that mildly alleviated our dismay and dissapointment. Most of these roasts select as their subjects celebrities who were prominent at one point but reached their peak in the distant past. (Bob Saget and Bill Shatner would be the two most appropriate examples, but this principle applies to all the other participants. Jeff Foxworthy, Larry's mildly better half, was roasted long after everyone stopped parroting "you might be a redneck" jokes.) Since Larry has never approached superstardom, emerged from his own b-movie quagmire, or even transcended riding Foxworthy's coattails, we can only assume that this roast will shift the balance between honoring and ridiculing the roastee far in the direction of the latter. That's at least what we'll tell ourselves to get to sleep at night.

Roast of Larry the Cable GuySunday March 15, 10p/9c

Preview - Lampanelli on Git-R-Done

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Octo-Douchetraub: The Next Hollywood Power Couple?

We have refrained from making any comments on this "Octomom" debacle. The reasons for this include an unwillingness to make light of the saddening circumstances forced upon fourteen innocent children by Suleman's madness and our anticipation of receiving little satisfaction from an activity much like shooting fish in a barrel. (Here is a perfect example of the distastefulness of this subject: we might have said "like stealing candy from a baby who has no ability to hold onto candy because his crazy mother implanted her uterus with six embryos and consequently is extremely premature, undernourished, and faces serious potential health problems-" but that would be just plain wrong and sad.) Regardless- we will circumvent the morass of Octomom's multi-faceted insanity, as that is plain for all to see. Instead, we would like to make a small suggestion, in light of the recent departure of a second publicist: she should just enroll in the David Weintraub talent agency. Considerations that probably deterred previous publicists- such as greed, sanity, decency, dignity, his clients' well-being, etc- clearly mean very little to him.

David Weintraub: The Way of the Future

David Weintraub is a pimp. Just to avoid any ambiguity: we do not intend our usage of the word "pimp" to carry with it any of its positive, pop-culture connotations. Do not picture a "Hustle & Flow," bad-environment, decent-at-heart kind of pimp- or even this meth-head depicted by the Montana Meth Project, as he can partially blame his disgraceful, exploitative behavior on the ravages of addiction. Think Harvey Keitel's character in "Taxi Driver:" a soulless, manipulative predator whose abhorrent actions render a violent, disturbed Travis Bickle incapable of allowing the existence of such an abomination to continue. The roster of "talent" that Weintraub manages makes it painfully obvious that- unlike an agent who ideally helps his clients reach their full creative and professional potential- this douchebag systematically extracts and transforms into seedy mass-entertainment the souls of his clients, along with their hopes and dreams. The emotional abuse he heaps on Marey Carey in "Sober House" confirms this. If the appearance into which Wein-douche pressures her weren't a swinger's convention, this situation would be a little more metaphorical. But it's not. It's literal, and it's gross.

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As you can see, Weintraub's sleazy moves don't fly with traffic cops like they do with vulnerable, addiction-plagued celebrities. However- we fear that whatever impediments lie in the path of this particular douchebag, nothing can stop the rise of a ruling class of omnipresent uber-douches. As the distinctness of reality/TV/reality-TV/non-reality; on-camera/behind the scenes; social interaction/performance; and audience/spectacle progresses from imprecise to irrellevant to non-existent, sociopaths will flourish. Weintraub only amounts to a crass prototype. Future models will build on his model, developing subtlety and an awareness of the importance of appearing like a decent person. Moving fluidly through a vast network that thrives on sheer sensational volume and whose influence extends into our homes and our lives, these uber-douches will accumulate enormous, multi-faceted power that they will wield to meet the needs of a system in which human suffering and conflict generate ratings and success.
We just hope that everyone keeps in mind that overindulgence in reality TV empowers all the little David Weintraubs of the world. Nobody wants this guy: to be broadcast into the homes of millions of Americans and people across the world.

From the Red Carpet to the Picket Line

Hollywood's stars will need all of the positive qualities they ceaselessly identified in each other during Sunday night's entertainment-industry ego-inflation ceremony, because a dispute between the SAG and the major studios could soon render these icons of the silver screen indefinitely unemployed. Once again, this looks like a case of the internet ruining everything: the dispute centers on compensation for work intended for online viewing. We have just one question: Does the cast of "The Hills" have to join in the strike? Maybe they'll half strike, because their show appears staged and scripted but nobody exhibits any talent. Could this explain the mystery behind Spencer's bizarre hanging-over-the-mouth cowboy mustache as half of a strike beard? The only other possible explanation is that anyone in a position to call attention to the absurdity of this facial hair debacle chooses not to because Spencer is a douchebag- but that couldn't be the case.

Obama Draws the Crazies out of the Woodwork

From McCain/Palin supporters intent on turning campaign rallies into lynch-mobs to cartoonists passing off thinly veiled metaphors for racist violence against our President as humor, Barack Obama's presidency doesn't exactly to promote subtlety- among other things- in his political opponents. While not quite as ugly as (although sometimes overlapping with) individuals with racially-based misgivings towards Obama, economic dissenters are equally prone to pant-wetting hysteria. Most conspicuously, Rick Santelli treated the TV-viewing public to a tantrum of epic proportions resulting from three possible causes: 1- A total loss of his shit, akin to a little child who just found out he will not get to ride the pony at his own birthday party; 2-A shameless desire to gain publicity by screaming simplistic economic ideas that would not be noteworthy if uttered at a reasonable volume; 3-A plan to send the video of his rant as an audition tape for a spot on the upcoming launch of "Real Housewives: Chicago."



This video is remarkable not for anything original or even all that intelligent in its message, but for its inherent contextual irony and its rapid proliferation on cable news by virtue of its sensational content. Santelli, a former derivatives trader, arouses populist sentiment on a trading floor against the "losers" struggling to stay afloat in economic circumstances beyond their control- circumstances created in part by Mr. Santelli and his ilk. The fact that he caps it off with "this is America-" referring to traders on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange- puts this in the "let them eat cake" league of out-of-touch, arrogant, douchebag elitism. The fact that a "journalist" would be rewarded with publicity for so flagrantly violating the standards of his profession confirms that cable news now takes its cues from reality TV: make as big a scene as possible and maybe you get your own spin-off.

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Finally: As far as "losers" are concerned, we would like to ask Mr. Santelli what you call a hack reporter who, rather than excel at his job, draws attention to himself by acting like a less rational version of Joe the Plumber and the cast of "Tool Academy." If we really need somebody to quote Ayn Rand at us, we'll just watch "Real Housewives of New York City." Alex McCord has us covered in that department.

G.O.P. Chairman Unveils Pathetic, Desperate Strategy to Restore Party's Relevance

Sadly, events call upon us to take a step back from the sensible "Lost" island and its adherence to rational principles. Once again we must plunge into another man-made hell of absurdity - in this case, the tortured collective psychosis of the undead political organization known as the Republican Party.

Apparently GOP chairman Michael Steele wants to extreme-makeover his party for the 21st century, with hip-hop. This is not as much of a stretch as most people might think. If you assume that all African-Americans resemble-with little variation- the caricatures presented in certain gangster rap videos, (and we're guessing that many in the party of Limbaugh share exactly this assumption) Republicans and "black people" actually have a lot in common. Guns, materialism, lawlessness, and bogus invocations of "God" could all bridge the gap between these seemingly disparate groups. Maybe Steele can court Chris Brown (who recently demonstrated -albeit a little over zealously- his adherence to the misogynistic outlook of the GOP) as a cultural ambassador.

The Sun Never Sets on "Real Housewives"

Holy continuity. As the OC crew hands it off to the East Coast, we cannot help but contemplate the glorious possibility of a rotation that allows for the constant airing of new episodes of the "Real Housewives" franchise. It's the same basic idea behind the perpetual adoration chapel at your local Catholic church, only dedicated to the adoration of gossip-mongering, shallowness, and bitchiness rather than the traditional favorites of holiness and chastity. Pulling this off shouldn't present too much of a challenge, given the apparent abundance of bat-shit crazy women desperate to appear on television. If they must add one more city to the franchise, so be it. The madness only gets more balls-to-the-wall with each succesive iteration.
Alex McCord apparently got a haircut and did something about her teeth. Unfortunately she still annoys the hell out of us. This clearly demonstrates the simple truth that internal ugliness can co-exist with external beauty. That being said, we would not describe McCord as even approaching beautiful. She looks like a skeleton.
To be perfectly honest, we are in something of a state of shock. Tonight's two-hour extravaganza was by far the longest some of us have been exposed to the "Real Housewives." This has precipitated a minor crisis regarding our faith in humanity, which we previously didn't imagine capable of such unimaginable horror. As such, we will put on hold our planned discussions - "How gay is Simon?" "What planet is Ramona from?" "Why does Bethanny have softballs hanging helter-skelter from her chest in the pool?" etc.- until we emerge from the fetal position.

Is "Sober House" Stupid, Ironic or Just Cruel?

Clearly we are naive and have yet to get hip to the logic of contemporary reality TV, because our first reaction to VH1's vicious-cycle-recovery-relapse-extravaganza took on an element of smug superiority: "Obviously this environment will lead them to a relapse with the pressure of the cameras, etc..." We will not arrogantly presume to be smarter then the big-wigs who created "Sober House-" just more humane and decent, apparently.

The individuals responsible for this travesty must know that the putative clean living facility they've created for our viewing pleasure includes all the ingredients of an adult Lord of The Flies. We can't help but applaud the brilliance in devising a way to televise the ordeals of celebrities with substance abuse issues that garner so much attention. Accomplishing this, however, requires putting vulnerable individuals in need of genuine help and support under what amounts to the magnifying class of individuals playing God by sadistically incinerating insects. We would expect this indifference to human suffering from soulless TV executives, but Dr. Drew, who supposedly took an oath to do no harm, has earned himself a special place in Hell for his part in this modern-day equivalent of a Roman Coliseum.To continue the coliseum metaphor, David Douchetraub serves the same purpose as a lion sent to devour hapless Christians. He is a big, dumb animal whose arrogance, egoism, and generally obnoxious behavior inflicts psychological carnage on the show's participants at a vastly faster rate than they would inflict it on each other- their various destructive instincts restrained by basic human decency and the delusion that anyone expects-or even wants- "Sober House" to resemble its bullshit title.

Douchebag Does Time

Anne Hathaway's ex, Raffaello Follieri, started serving a 4 1/2 year prison sentence today after being convicted of fraud. The dumb idiot had the nerve to collect call Anne's New York apartment yesterday. She didn't accept the charges because he didn't use 1-800-COLLECT. We kid, she wasn't home when he called. Karma is a bitch, but this one wears Chanel.

Superstar, Where You From, How's It Goin?

Brit Brit released her video for "Womanizer" last night and we are rather pleased with the results. ABC News premiered it after the 20/20 interview featuring Barbara Walters and Peter Cook of Christie Brinkley fame. Coincidence? Probably not. We're guessing Baba had it planned all along. Rather than strangle Elizabeth Hasslebeck on 'The View,' she channeled her disgust into a subtle slamming of Cook and his douchebag ways. While Peter may be a Womanizer, at least he's not a Republican. That's something. And somewhere in Vegas right now, K-Fed is rejoicing in his revisited relevance. Who? Exactly.