A Very Hilton Holiday

Finally! We think the "blogger is a bitch" issue has been solved with the help of our new BFF, Firefox. Sorry, Explorer, we had a good run together but we're just not that into you anymore. Speaking of BFF's, Porn-star Paris Hilton has a silly show on MTV about finding a new BFF which we refuse to watch, even if there is absolutely nothing else on. Apparently she's not getting enough attention from the paparazzi these days so Hilton announced she is officially back in whore mode. After nine months of dating Benji Madden, brother of Nicole Richie's baby daddy, Joel Madden, the couple is dunzo. In true Paris fashion, she got it on with her ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos in Miami before actually letting Madden know that she was done with him. As we head into the slow holiday gossip cycle, we predict Paris will date seven guys, get in two drunken brawls and have at least three pregnancy rumors surrounding her. Holy 2006.

Laughing At Paris Is Fun

The always hilarious David Letterman was gracious enough to have Paris Hilton on his show which aired Friday, and she wasn't even smart enough to play along. This is some of his best work, and she really needs to not take herself so seriously. Apparently she said she will never go back on his show. Puh-lease. Like she has anywhere else to go? It's isn't all bad though...we commend her on letting her hair grow out naturally, no matter how ridiculous it looks. And congrats to her on breaking into legitimate acting which we've heard is very difficult for porn stars. She's a trailblazer.

It's A Hard Knock Life, For Us

Nicole Richie is all about getting PR lately and just landed an interview with Diane Sawyer as well as a 4-day stint in prison which she must foot the bill for. Because it is her second DUI, the judge ruled that if she drives drunk and kills someone then she will be charged with 1st degree murder. Dude, get a driver. Apparently Nicole is pregnant with Joel Madden's baby... he used to date Hilary Duff. We digress. 'The Simple Life' was cancelled this morning by E! after a too long run of Nicole and Paris reading scripts on their reality show. We're so over Paris Hilton that this is the only picture we could muster.

Paris Needs Attention Too

Before we get into the whole Britney & Lohan drama, we must give credit where it's due. Paris Hilton has been working overtime to get noticed by the paparazzi after her prison stint. She hooked up with Cisco Adler, ex-boyfriend of Kim Stewart and Mischa Barton. Apparently she even gave him a lap dance at Guy's the other night. That's like her mating call. Mischa broke up with Cisco when a nude photo of him showed up on the website Parisexposed. We saw the pic and he has an unusual package, but not in a good way. Wonder why she didn't call her BFF Brandon Davis for the photo op.

Paris Gets Double Billing With Pathetic

We wish we could say that Paris Hilton is kidding us with this outfit, but sadly she is totally serious. She actually dressed her new Terrier puppy up in....Oh, Hell. You get the point.

Even Brit Brit Is Getting All British On Us

Brit Brit has had a very busy week. She fired everybody around her and is now handling her own business affairs. Now we have hoped for a long, long, long time that Camp Spears would hire a stylist for Miss Thing. Now Camp Spears does not exist. Probably not so good for our dream of that stylist. In other Brit news, everyone was clamoring on about how she was dating her manny, bodyguard, Daimon (above). This is not true and we read that he has a boyfriend named Sam. Despite how things seem on the outside, we have faith Britney will make a huge comeback. Allegedly, she will perform at the MTV Music Awards being held at The Palms in Vegas. Owner George Maloof is totally Brit's BFF and he totally owes her after he introduced Brit to Paris. Oh, and Brit bought a Terrier puppy to add to her menagerie. His name is London.

Racing The Sun

Immediately following her release from the big house, Paris went to Hawaii and posed for a series of "living healthy" photoshoots, and then it was back to her old ways. After a night out in Los Angeles, she arrived at her home barefoot, in a cab, at 5 in the morning. It's past time for daddy to hire a driver.

Viva Lo-Hilton

Lohan took another break from rehab to attend her birthday party, a 4th of July party and a 5th of July party in Malibu. Paris rented a house down the beach from Lindsay and stopped by her former enemy's house on the 4th to say hello. No drinks were thrown.

Mika No Likey Paris

Not only did NBC pull out of the interview with Paris Hilton, but a journalist on MSNBC really took a stand against the insanity of it all. Enjoy.

Spread The Word

This is why kids should stay in school. Oh, and Paris is free.

Where's Ari Gold When You Need Him?

While we've clearly had better things to do recently than blog about Paris Hilton, no offense, there was no escaping the Hilton drama. NBC backed out of a $1 million deal for her first interview with Meredith Viera. Apparently ABC's $100,000 offer with Barbara Walters (a close friend of Kathy Hilton's) was not enough. Rick Hilton said it was a $$$ issue. What the fuck is up with her father negotiating with networks to air his porn star daughter's interview? After getting released from jail? How low-rent is this family going to go? Aren't they like inn-keepers or something? Surely this is pathetic, even by their standards.

Valtrex Could Be An Advertiser

There's a rumor going around that Brit Brit is in cahoots with one of the photo agencies to get more $$ for pics of her by changing into several outfits throughout the day and night. She definitely has been doing weird things in club bathrooms lately and then there's always her favorite money shot:

Still desperate for attention, Brit posted the above message on her website asking fans to vote for the title of her next album. Ummmm, not to be nit-picky or anything but shouldn't she be in the studio working on that album instead of starting fights with Lindsay Lohan? It would be entertaining though if Paris and Lohan ganged up on Britney once they get out of jail and rehab. They could film it and put it on television. Dance-offs at Hyde....awesome.

Hopefully They'll Lose The Key

This is quite the boring post as it is all about Paris. Ugh. Seriously, why do they keep moving her to this place and then that. Girl is looney. They say she's on her meds now so she should be able to finish her sentence in the hospital ward of the twin towers at Linwood. Whatever that means. Anyway, above are pics of her family and Stavros visiting her. They need to all visit The Hilton. In Beijing.

Lohan Should Really Clean House

The News of the World went after Lohan again with a feature story full of drugs, booze and lesbian sex. Her former bodyguard is writing a tell-all. Awesome.

"In April she asked me to take her to her dealer in Beverly Hills. I knew if I refused she'd go alone — so I took her. He was waiting for her in some bushes. Suddenly she started screaming and punching him for selling her short. He pulled a gun. I got out and he threatened to shoot me unless I got her to back off — but she kept hitting him. Luckily he got distracted and I punched him down. I dragged Lindsay into the car and drove off but she was screaming at me to go back. It was like Pulp Fiction. I knew then she was just too dangerous to be around."

Lee reveals how he often drove Lindsay to join her pal Nicole Richie, 24, for cocaine binges. "Nobody was as wild as Lindsay," he says. "But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip."

There's lots of juicy scandal including a pass she made for Mariah Carey. Check it out here. So by our calculations, that makes the score - News Of The World, 3 - Lohan, 0.

Girl, Interrupted

The last time we went up to the lake, Mel Gibson got a Dee-Wee. This past weekend we again visited our hometown, and Paris Hilton jumped in and out of jail like it's her job. Thanks to Prinny, we arrived home to learn of Hilton's new career (see below), and found her statement which concludes with our troops overseas. Paris didn't mention that she's in a "health" facility that's more like a hospital than a jail, but obviously there is a great writer on staff over at Hilton's new law firm:

Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge's decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff's concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.
As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.
I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world."

As we said, jail is so not cool, and we imagine it to be a nightmare from which you can't wake up from. Sort of like Paris herself.

"I'm sorry, this get out of jail free card has expired"

The freestylin', anklebracelet wearing, soak in your own tub and hang out in your posh pad jail sentence that was Paris Hiltons for the next 45 days is now null and void. Paris was dragged back to court in the back of a police cruiser and then thrown back in "real jail" (aka a lock down medical facility that is said to be "more like a hospital room than a jail cell") to serve out the remainder of her sentence, which is now like 23 days or something. She apparently threw a fit as she was dragged out of the courtroom and is said to have not eaten or slept since going back to the clink. It sounds like she's on her way to a major meltdown. We're actually starting to feel bad for her. But, we suppose she'll recover and be back to work in just a few weeks. Wait-what exactly is it that she does? We forget...oh wait....small dog carrier...no that's not it...oh yeah...panty-less paparazzi model...no....oh right...filthy rich party girl who is famous for being a filthy rich party girl. Keep that chin up P!

Much Ado About Nothing

TMZ is reporting that Paris was released from jail this morning after serving 3 days. If she even starts with what a valuable lesson she learned, we'll scream. Most of this girl's parties are longer than 3 days and clearly she has never learned a thing from those. Hopefully she'll get caught for insider trading or something and she'll be in the clink forever. "My broker takes cares of these things, I just sign papers."

The Hottie And The Nottie Game

Perhaps we're missing Paris already or just fascinated with the idea that she may have a movie career. "Experience being her strength." Regardless of what we think, producers are still giving her $ to appear/act in their films. Hilton's most recent role was in a film called The Hottie And The Nottie. We'll get back to you on that spelling. Or not. So here's the game...Sascha Baron Cohen at the MTV Movie Awards is definitely the Hottie. Word is Isla Fisher, Cohen's fiancee, is preggers. Moving on....
This is freakshow Spencer and Heidi from The Hills. Someone needs to tell MTV that Spencer is not 23. He has enough make-up on that we easily add a decade on that mug. He's a nottie.
John Mayer rebounded from the Jessica Simpson fling to look better than ever. He's a hottie.
As always, Brandon Davis is the epitome of a nottie.

Dream A Little Dream

Paris Hilton has spent one full night in jail and her lawyer said she was 'poised and gracious.' Hello? They already cut her time from 45 days to 23 days and she earned credit last night for her 22-minute "day" served. She better be pole-dancing for that judge. Papa Hilton's $ can only buy so much, then you're relying on talent. Ahem. We guess she'll do maybe a week and be let off for "good behavior." Hey, better her than us. Jail is so not cool. But at least our dream has come to fruition. She is far, far away.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words