One Step Closer To Butter Face Status

Jessica Simpson showed off her latest nip/tuck in New York last night and her face is almost becoming unrecognizable. Nice legs, though.

I Need A Miracle

Speaking of Justin Timberlake, he is rumored to be moving in with his bodybuilder of a girlfriend, Jessica Beil. We never watched an episode, but we heard the hu-bub surrounding her stint on the Christian show, 7th Heaven. She wanted to be a slut but they made her be good and she complained and quit or something. So basically we've never seen her act in anything and the previews for that Chuck & Larry movie made her look pathetic. Justin's ex, Cameron Diaz, has been making the rounds and most recently began dating John Mayer, Jessica's ex. She also became involved in a divorce case involving Criss Angel whom she dated for only a few weeks, meaning they fucked and she went to Asia to promote Shrek 3. He did a stunt and then told the cameras that he loved her and that was that. He has now moved on to Britney Spears whom he headed up to an 11th floor hotel suite with at 4 in the morning. Her peeps are saying that he is working with her on her MTV performance. Well....as long as they were working.

Employee Of The Month

Our favorite newlyweds, Nick and Jessica, have been making news this week as they navigate the dating waters. Nick and girlfriend of one-year, Vanessa Minnillo were in Mexico last week and were photographed having sex in an outdoor hot tub. The results have been described as porn-like and the milder photos are above. The duo hired a lawyer who threatened to sue if the photos were published anywhere. This is shortly after Vanessa responded to her other set of naughty photos with Lohan. For his part, Lachey said, "It's not like I was with a Mexican hooker. Where's the scandal?" Alrighty then. Oh, and Jessica is dating Dane Cook again. Who? Exactly.

They're Back On

Thank God that Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves got their act together. BIG improvement.

The Hottie And The Nottie Game

Perhaps we're missing Paris already or just fascinated with the idea that she may have a movie career. "Experience being her strength." Regardless of what we think, producers are still giving her $ to appear/act in their films. Hilton's most recent role was in a film called The Hottie And The Nottie. We'll get back to you on that spelling. Or not. So here's the game...Sascha Baron Cohen at the MTV Movie Awards is definitely the Hottie. Word is Isla Fisher, Cohen's fiancee, is preggers. Moving on....
This is freakshow Spencer and Heidi from The Hills. Someone needs to tell MTV that Spencer is not 23. He has enough make-up on that we easily add a decade on that mug. He's a nottie.
John Mayer rebounded from the Jessica Simpson fling to look better than ever. He's a hottie.
As always, Brandon Davis is the epitome of a nottie.

At Least Vannessa Takes Showers

Now we're all in favor of comfort, but there must be something said for the fact that Jessica Simpson (and evidently her hairdresser, Ken Paves) have completely given up on basically everything. Is she preggers?! She and John Mayer just spent Memorial Day weekend in Cabo San Lucas where they were photographed arguing. Daisy was in John's arms. Sadness. Anyway, we digress. What we're saying is that we actually wore a cuter outfit today while working in the garden in 5-year old cargo pants rolled twice with flip-flops. At least we made an effort. This, however, is definitely not an effort. At least not that we can see.

It's Time To Fire Ken Paves

All good things must come to pass and Jessica Simpson now knows that all too well. She and John Mayer are officially dunzo after 9 months of dating and there are a slew of theories as to what caused the break. We happen to think that Mayer, a simple guy from Connecticut, could not deal with her over the top father/manager and his insistence that she dress like a whore from the Bronx. But that's just us. Above she's with John in Hollywood, then as the hostess of the Pussycat Dolls celebration and then at Cannes where she's hawking a movie that hasn't even started filming yet. Cheese.

You're Hideous, But Your Boyfriend Is Cute

What in the heck has plastic surgery done to poor Jessica Simpson? She is looking really weird these days. The dress is ridiculous, especially considering the event called for class. (More pictures from the Metropolitan Costume Thing in New York on Monday above.) Thankfully for Jessica, her boyfriend John Mayer turned some of the attention away from her faux pas with his new haircut. Very Johnny Depp. Better.

Suddenly It's Spring

The love affair between Jessica Simpson and John Mayer is in overdrive with Jessica touring all over the world with him. The couple is now in Australia where John is performing and we can't think of anything snarky to say because they're really cute together. Actually, we hate the Louis Vuitton, but props to Jess for supporting, even in this unfortunate season. Thankfully Marc Jacobs is in rehab and will never again consider designing the $42,000 bag below. That shit is straight up crazy.

Waitin' For The World To Change

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are a super-duper serious couple these days. These photos of them at The Ivy (above) and in Rome, Italy last week (below) pretty much write this post for us. Her psycho father/manager, Joe Simpson, has been giving interviews saying that this relationship is different than her marriage to Nick because "John already has an established career." Apparently there's no competition now. Ummmmm, Jessica has a career? News to us. Speaking of Jessica, the "Dirt" show starring Courtney Cox recently did an episode where a greaseball former minister father/manager made his daughters Hollywood stars by pimping them out to editors of tabloids and then blackmailing them for coverage. First there was the older "singer" and then the younger "singer." Based on the Simpsons? Obviously.

Simpson Smartens Up

John Mayer was a big winner at the Grammy Awards last night and confirmed in Japanese that Jessica Simpson is a beautiful woman and that Ryan Seacrest would be the last to know if they were a couple. Jess attended a post-Grammy party with John and the two are definitely together, as the above photo demonstrates. I'm loving the new color on Jessica, below, and not just because it's the same color as mine. She looks cute as a brunette and dare I say...more intelligent?

The New Divorcees

The Daily News reported that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are definitely an item and spent the New Year in NYC. They dined at Country, shopped at Barneys and celebrated at the Hudson Hotel along with Christina Aguilera and her husband. The News claims the couple were "making out" during the New Year's party and we can't believe people still say "making out." They also claim that one of John's friends asked their reporter to get some drugs for him. Across town, Nick Lachey and Vannessa Minnillo were celebrating at the MTV countdown party and then at Marquee. They have been dating for 8 months now. In other Newlyweds news, Nick and Jessica's divorce settlement was just finalized in Los Angeles, although the terms have been sealed and they signed a confidentiality agreement. We wonder who got the $1500 sheet set that she never took out of the package.

What A Way To Make A Livin'

Poor Jessica Simpson totally dropped the ball over the weekend during a performance at The Kennedy Center Honors. For our readers overseas, these are like super prestigious awards in Washingon, D.C. at The Kennedy Center and the President and First Lady attend as well as foreign dignitaries and Hollywood peeps. If there is one place to be prepared and on point, this would be it. During a performance of "9 to 5" in homage to Dolly Parton, one of this year's honorees, Jessica appeared to forget the words, mumbled "so nervous" and walked off the stage. At least she didn't do an Irish jig like her little sis Ashlee did when she messed up on Saturday Night Live, but it was still a big no-no for a seasoned performer like Miss Simpson. When the performers returned to the stage to take their bows, Jessica was in tears. Papa Joe has not released a statement regarding the flub. In related news, Nick just bought into a minor league baseball team in Seattle as one-third owner. We love Nick.

Jess, John, And Louis Vuitton

Jessica Simpson has won back the heart of John Mayer and the two have resumed dating, although not "officially." In other Simpson news, little sister Ashlee moved in with Jessica while her home is being renovated. Ashlee told People that she is so happy living with her big sister as she always cooks for them and takes care of everything. Sounds like somebody learned a thing or two regarding domestic responsibility following the demise of her marriage. Evolution is a beautiful thing.

Paris Is Oh, So Classy

Paris and her wonky eye were at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night where she presented something and stumbled through her speech which was all of two sentences. Host Jimmy Kimmel started the evening out with a joke about the year's music and how both Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline released albums, "There's some talent there." They went on to lower a Fedster look-alike from the rafters into a big wooden box that was closed and then dropped off a pier into the water. Kimmel introduced "The Bachelorette" Britney Spears to present the first award of the night. Her extensions looked hideous and she was still wearing her wedding ring. Random. On to Paris news: she attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and drank straight from a bottle of vodka throughout his performance which goes without saying is, oh, so classy. Following his set, she climbed up onto the stage and had her song put on so she could lip-synch for the crowd. It may have been the vodka or her song, perhaps a bit of both, but she proceeded to puke all over and run off. Again, oh, so classy. The most interesting news regarding Paris came from Tina Fey, the creator and star of 30 Rock, writer of Mean Girls, and former Saturday Night Live writer and cast member. As a guest on Howard Stern last week, Tina dished about Paris, calling her a "piece of shit" with "the hair of a fraggle," saying there were "wads of barbie hair" all over the SNL set from her "cheap weave." Tina went on to describe Paris' "man hands" that are as big as Tina's forearm. Paris tried to persuade the writers to do a skit making fun of Jessica Simpson, "because I hate her. She's fat." Even if Jessica was fat, she could always diet. What do you do about giant hands on a girl? And it's not just the hands, Paris has said she hates her exceptionally large feet (size 11) for which she has to have shoes custom made for. We can only hope that Tina Fey writes a screenplay about an obnoxious brat with giant hands and feet. It will be huge, no pun intended.

A Public Affair

Papa Joe Simpson made an example of Rob Shuter yesterday by firing him as publicist for his daughter Jessica, as well as Ashlee. Last week two cover stories featured Jessica being "in love" with singer John Mayer, prompting Mayer to distance himself from her amid claims she was using him for publicity and she seemed desperate. Ouch. All of this completely overshadowed the fact that Jess had a new album coming out which subsequently sold less units than Nick's album. Then there were reports in the NY papers that Jessica was out at The Hog Pit in Manhattan last week (above photo) with the crew from Jackass including Johnny Knoxville and an 'US Weekly' interview with Bam Magera regarding the whole cheating on Nick thing. Then October 'Glamour' published an interview with Jessica talking about her crazy lips, "I had that Restylane stuff," she says. "It looked fake to me. I didn't like that. But...it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!" So that's one bruised vocal chord, two or three horrible performances on TV, a big night out, two "I'm in love!" cover stories, one unfaithful wife story and a plastic surgery story to round it out. Wow. Way to promote the album.

"HELL NO!"

Proving that she is still a teen favorite, albeit one with unfortunate wardrobe choices, Brit Brit drove the crowd into a fit as she introduced K-Fed's live performance Sunday evening. If you missed it you can check it out here. She seems to be eager for a comeback saying, "I feel like I've been pregnant for 10 years! I'm so excited about getting my body back and getting a routine scheduled. I'm definitely going to start working out in a huge way." The consumption by teens of videos by Britney wannabe's like Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson has hopefully convinced her that she needs to get back on MTV. Showing a glimpse of her chart-topping diva spirit of old, Brit Brit shut down Jessica Simpson backstage at the awards show when she asked to kiss her pregnant belly. The name of this post was the answer.

Nick Lachey Update

Nick has a thing for brunettes and is now dating Vanessa Minnillo of Entertainment Tonight and TRL. The stats on Vanessa: she was born on an Army base in the Philippines in 1980, was Miss Teen Usa 1998, was recently dating Derek Jeter of the Yankees, appeared in Nick's new video for 'What's Left Of Me' and her favorite recording artist is Ashlee Simpson. Nick and Vanessa have both denied that they are dating so we are led to believe that Hollywood friends always take romantic vacations in Mexico or maybe they are just using each other for something. We wonder what that could be.

UPDATE: Nick and Jessica's divorce became final late this afternoon so he is officially back on the market.

Market Research

So we spent last week on a small island in Hawaii and celebrities were the last thing on our mind when all of a sudden, we were blown away with the influence of Jessica Simpson. Yes, Jessica Simpson. There were two little Polynesian girls from the island that were thrilled with the pineapple and cherry garnishes on our pina colada's and they were very interested in life on the East coast and what they deemed to be very glamorous ladies. It could have been the highlights or the male accessory that wasn't wearing a wife-beater, but these girls were thirsty for any wisdom we could offer about life. After telling them that yes, college is recommended and no, you shouldn't have a boyfriend at ten years old....they both said that they wanted to be Jessica Simpson when they grew up. After a disturbing rendition of "These Boots Are Made For Walkin" we asked them, "What about Britney Spears?" In unison came the reply, "Who?" To the girls' credit, they were sporting natural tans.

My Band Played The Wrong Song

Ashlee Simpson unveiled her new nose and keeping with family tradition she'll deny she had any work done. Or maybe she'll blame the acid reflux again. Either way she looks great.