Delusion Of The Day

Brandon Davis is quietly making the rounds getting his waste on in L.A. after spending a few weeks in Malibu. Unfortunately for him, however, he was photographed kissing Paris Hilton whom his grandmother will definitely not approve of, considering she has herpes and is a porn-star. Speaking of Paris, she gave an interview to the Sunday Times of London and said, "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde - like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana - and right now, I'm that icon." The statement is so disturbing in so many ways, we're not sure where to begin. In fact, we just plain give up. You win, Paris.

Conspiracy Theory

Katie Holmes, or Kate as Tom has renamed her, has been spending most of her time at his home in Telluride, Colorado with her Scientology friend and some version of a baby named Suri. After three months, the baby still has not been seen by anyone, not even John Travolta or any of the Scientards. Meanwhile in the sane world, the fake pregnancy/adopted baby story is gaining steam and Andrew Morton has just begun the writing phase of his Tom Cruise tell-all. All we really want to know....why on earth did Kate get her hair cut like that? It must be a Xenu thing.

Oh Canada

Congrats to Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley on their marriage which took place on Saturday near Santa Barbara. She is 21 and was best known during her reign as skater-punk singer for wearing tank-tops with men's neckties and for sticking her tongue out every time she was photographed. [Aside to our readers: please do not make funny faces for the camera past the age of 20 and never, ever, ever do it at a wedding]. Deryck is 26 and the lead singer of the band Sum 41. The couple hails from Canada, hence the French spelling of their names. Best wishes, eh?

Havoc In The Hamptons

Christie Brinkley has filed for divorce from her husband of ten years, Peter Cook, after he took up with a 19-year-old. Diana Bianchi, worked in a toy store that Cook frequented with his two children in Southampton, and he hired her as his assistant at his architectural firm where the affair began. When her police officer stepfather found out, he confronted Cook and the affair ended with Bianchi moving to Brooklyn. They rekindled the romance, the stepfather told Brinkley and yadda, yadda, yadda. The girl's family is claiming she was seduced, but if you are over 18 and you sleep with a married man, you are a whore. The girl says Cook used to give her large amounts of cash and bought her a car for which she traded sex. A whore is as a whore does.

Buh-Bye, Y'All

As we bid adieu to our beloved Manhattan, Brit-Brit was cutting her losses in the city so nice they named it twice. After putting her New York condo on the market in 2004 for $6 mil and receiving no bids, she finally dropped the price to $4 mil and sold it last week. This seems like a random move for someone that is allegedly worth $100 mil, as Manhattan real estate will never depreciate and she's in the city enough to warrant a pad there. The apartment also has an impressive resume, previously being owned by Keith Richards and Russell Simmons. Perhaps she's angry with New York after her restaurant debacle, but the more likely scenario is that K-Fed is burning through her money faster than she could have imagined and dare we say it? She's preparing for September.

Make It Work

Our favorite summer show starts tonight on Bravo and as we are out and about in Manhattan this week, it may be some time before we can recap it for you all. Heidi is pregnant again so we can look forward to her fierce maternity-wear as well as Tim Gunn's brutal honesty. If you're near the Four Seasons Hotel, drop in for a cocktail with us. Cheers!

Summer Lovin', Had Me A Blast

Lindsay has been dating Harry Morton of the Hard Rock Hotel family for a full seven days now. Take that, Wilmer.

Holy Therapy Bill

Pam Anderson spent most of last week in Saint Tropez lounging on a yacht with her sons and former fiancee, Kid Rock. Now, we're all for getting a tan but for a mother and her girlfriend to walk around topless with a 10-year-old boy is pushing the boundaries of sensible taste. And yes, that's what Pammy did with her son. And yes, there are photos.

Lovehandles Are So Street

We didn't bother to write about K-Fed's first single, "PopoZao" because it was all too pathetic. The song is him saying PopoZao (poh-poh-zow) over and over again and the word isn't even English, it means something in Portuguese. See? Pathetic. So now K-Fed is claiming that he punk'd us all with that song and said, "At first, when I put out PopoZao, people were kinda laughing at me. I did it on purpose so people would look at me exactly the way they did. That way, when I come out with my real shit, people are f*cking blown away." You know what, Kev? We already are blown away. We are absolutely amazed that someone as ignorant as you can actually still be alive and reproducing. Everyday that you're not involved in a Crystal-Meth-Cooking-Explosion is another day that we are in awe. So bring on your real raps but keep the trailer door open. Those fumes are combustible.

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

Just as we had reached the point of becoming nauseous at the very thought of Tom Cruise, he wisely removed himself from the media machine. He made an appearance on a train in Japan to promote Mission Impossible 3 and quietly went into seclusion, a long overdue departure. The tabloids, however, are not letting him off that easy and are all asking "Where is Suri?" and suggesting that the baby doesn't actually exist. On top of that, the South Park episode Trapped In The Closet was just nominated for an Emmy Award despite Tom's efforts to make sure no one sees it. The episode only aired once in the U.S. and was not shown in the UK at all, after Cruise threatened Paramount that he would not do publicity on MI:3 (Viacom owns Paramount and Comedy Central). The show focuses on Scientology in all its crazy glory with Tom Cruise refusing to come out of Stan's closet. Camp Crazy Cruise is already preparing the spin on the win and we anticipate the TomKat wedding will take place the weekend of August 27th when the Emmy Awards air. Mark your calendars.

Pirates Crush Spiderman

The opening of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest' set a new box-office record this weekend taking in $132 million and making Johnny Depp the biggest movie star in the world. In related news, Johnny's ex-fiancee, Winona Ryder, has just been put on suicide watch.

Another Boy For The Gladiator

Russell Crowe and wife Danielle Spencer welcomed son number two yesterday in Sydney. The new baby is named Tennyson Spencer Crowe after the English poet Alfred Lord Tennyson. Tenny joins 2-year-old brother Charlie in the family home which is void of telephones. And Meg Ryan movies.

The House That TV Built

The widow of Aaron Spelling wasted no time in putting his beloved mansion up for sale following his passing. The family has just concluded sitting shivah in the home and Candy already put it on the market for $150 million. First Tori, now Candy. Even in the wonderful world of television, money can't buy class.

Brand Spanking New Couples

James Blunt, the British singer of "You're Beautiful," and Petra Nemcova, the supermodel that was caught in last year's Tsunami, are a cute new couple. Nemcova's boyfriend was killed in the Tsunami while they were on vacation and she was very badly injured. Thankfully she has made a full recovery and is now spending time with a lovely young man (we saw him on Oprah). Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have also been quietly dating for some time now, and we are pretty sure that she was the lead angel in wings accompanying him when he received his Achievement Award at the MTV Movie Awards. Here's to hoping they all live happily ever after. Cheers.

The New Mr. & Mrs. Hollywood

Vince Vaughn proposed to Jennifer Aniston in Paris and they are making plans for the wedding which will take place this year. We are officially declaring Vaughniston the new "it" couple. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

A New Low For Chad Lowe

As if being married to an Oscar winner twice over wasn't tough enough, now Hilary Swank is opening up about her ex-husband's "substance abuse problem." In the August issue of Vanity Fair, Swank says that Chad's problem played a part in the undoing of their marriage. "It's an enormous obstacle to overcome and he's doing it. He's living a sober life. I know how difficult it is and I'm really proud of his sobriety." Something tells us the problem began after her first Oscar acceptance speech when she thanked everyone on earth but her husband.

Happy Fourth Of July!

As English royalty go, Posh and Becks are the people's choice. As we celebrate our independence today we must acknowledge our friends across the pond without whom none of this would be possible. If we did not have taxation without representation, there would be no fireworks, barbecues or copious amounts of drinking. We commiserate with Becks on his team's loss to Portugal in the quarter finals but commend him on his goal against Ecuador that led his team to that point. As England learned back in 1776, you win some and you lose some.

Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It

Hours after producer Dallas Austin told the court that he was guilty of smuggling cocaine but didn't know that he had it with him, the ruler of Dubai has given him a get out of jail free card. Austin was sentenced to four years in prison earlier today and Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum pardoned the producer who has worked with Michael Jackson, TLC and Madonna. We're wondering if Michael Jackson's announcement that he would be moving to Europe (probably Germany where he has tons of fans) and leaving The United Arab Emirates has anything to do with the decision. Either way, this guy is one lucky bastard.

I Look Way Too Good

This morning at 6:30, Lil' Kim was released from prison (early for good behavior). A large crowd of fans greeted her as she jumped into her limo headed to what will be the best 4th of July she's ever had. Pizzle in the Hizzle.

Happy 20th Birthday Lindsay!

Little Miss Lindsay celebrated her birthday with a Great Gatsby themed dinner with friends last night. Only one more year until she can get into clubs and start enjoying cocktails.