A La Fin Du Compte, They're Engaged

A rep for Eva Longoria has confirmed that Tony Frenchie Parker proposed last night and she accepted. The two were previously rumored to be engaged and then they were broken up, and then dating again, then broken up, and now back together again. Best wishes and big kisses.

The Vagina Monologues

Brit Brit's va-jay-jay has made more news this week than all of Hollywood combined. Today her vagina garnered its own Associated Press story and was the talk of the town from The View to The New York Post. These are shots of a drunk Britney on Monday night in LA, and believe it or not are some of the better photos we've seen of her in recent days. We could say something about the lack of bra, but as long as we can't see her you-know-what, we're content. Speaking of, her vagina scored a hat trick this week and made its third appearance last night at a gas station. We normally don't do this sort of thing, but many of our readers have requested that we post the pics, so click here and scroll down. And no, we won't post them all so please don't ask. Now let's all move on and begin the healing process.

Stripper Sucks At Spin

The investigative journalists over at Star Magazine have uncovered the truth regarding Kevin Federline and his cheatin' ways. Beginning in early October of this year, the Fedster began sleeping with exotic dancer Kendra Jade, after the two reconnected through a mutual friend. The former hardcore porn actress initially met Kevin last December in Vegas where they spent some quality time together. This occurred after Brit had Kevin's Ferrari towed away, he had moved into a hotel and while Britney and Sean Preston were in Louisiana. Kendra's response to the original story last year was, "She is in a committed relationship." Kendra originally became famous in porn circles when she secretly videotaped herself having sex with Jerry Springer, the talk-show host and Dancing With The Stars contestant. When Star asked her to comment on this latest affair with the Fedster her response was, "She is in a committed relationship." Seriously, a porn actress turned stripper will never, ever receive this much attention again. The least she could do is come up with a better response. Perhaps a "No Comment" to keep us interested. The committed relationship crap is just boring, especially the second time around. We are cutting Kendra Jade's 15 minutes of fame down to five. Buh-bye.

He's No Tommy Lee

Page Six is reporting that Kid Rock and his insecurity and anger caused their divorce. We could make a joke here about his manhood as it appears in the above photo, but we'll let you draw your own conclusions. So Pam appeared in the blockbuster movie Borat, and Universal Studios President, Ron Meyer, held a screening of the film at his home two weeks ago. When Kid saw the movie he screamed at Pam in front of everyone, "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?" That was the beginning of the end. A friend of hers told Page Six, "Bob [Kid Rock] is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man." Apparently he's not a very bright man either as he didn't understand the film's humor which Pam was in on from the beginning. Add to that the fact that he was married to Pam Frickin' Anderson and somehow managed to f*ck it up, we'd say he's borderline retarded.

Don't You Know That You're Toxic

Despite the claim by Paris' rep that she is a good influence on Britney and that Brit looks up to her, their new friendship is threatening to derail Brit's comeback. Obviously Brit Brit is a total mess as these photos demonstrate and going to the clubs every night is not helping her cause. Then there's the flashing of the bits. Now the bottom two photos are demure compared to what is on the internet of Britney sans underwear. Imagine what a gynecologist sees during an examination and you have an accurate idea of how Brit exits a car. Spears has been in the public eye for quite a long time with nary a glimpse of her va-jay-jay. Two weeks with Paris Hilton and every high school boy in America can tell you exactly where her c-section scar is. Definitely not the career path we had hoped she would take.

Drinking & Thinking Don't Mix

Less than four months after their wedding trifecta, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. While both parties filed papers today, Pam cited the date of separation as November 21st and the Kidster cited it as November 26th. Irreconcilable indeed, they can't even agree on when to separate. Back in July Pam wrote that her engagement was "spontaneous but well thought through." Next time she might want to lay off the booze and give the engagement a few months or so. You know, to see if it sticks when everybody is sober.

Monday Morning Melodrama

Brit Brit, Paris and Lohan were still going strong at 5 am today as they left The Beverly Hills Hotel and headed to Paris' house. Last night was full of activity as Lohan explained how she attended a party Saturday night where she saw Britney and Paris. Lohan told the paparazzi, "I’m saying this on tape. She [Paris] hit me for no reason, apparently, at my friend’s house. I didn’t know she would be there and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me. It hurts and it’s not OK. I’m sorry for everyone who thinks I’m crazy but I’m just trying to act." So sometime between midnight and 5 this morning, Paris' spokesperson, Eliot Mintz, made a statement regarding Lohan's allegations, calling them untrue, Paris never calls anyone names, a drink was thrown at Paris and Britney, Lindsay has said disturbing things about Paris, this must stop, blah, blah, blah. THEN, he called photographers this morning to take these pics. Desperate much?

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

While most of us were decorating our Christmas trees over the weekend, Brit Brit and Paris were dressing like them. No, they were not going to a holiday theme party, these outfits were chosen for a standard night out at some clubs in Los Angeles. Evidently no stylist has been hired.

Filthy Drunk: Can't Drive

Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for Americans to get their drink on, so it is only natural that someone out there acts like an idiot and gets a DWI. Fabian Basabe took home that honor this holiday weekend when he was arrested at 1:20 am after driving his Hummer through a red light on Central Park West in New York. Who is Fabian Basabe you ask? Well, he is a self-proclaimed socialite who gained celebrity when he danced with President Bush's daughter, Barbara, and was photographed dipping her. Fabian went on to appear in the E! reality show Filthy Rich:Cattle Drive along with Brittany Gastineau (above), Kim Kardashian, Courtney Semel and other rich kids. Fabian was beyond obnoxious on the show, but topped that behavior during the summer of 2005. While partying at The Star Room in the Hamptons, he got out of control and was politely asked to calm down and stop banging into other patrons and spilling drinks and bottles of vodka. Ignoring security's pleas, Fabian began to swing from the rafters, and that's when he went from barely famous to infamous in New York.

Naturally, the head of security asked him to leave the club and Fabian responded by shouting racist remarks at the African-American bouncers. He then accused the staff, whom he referred to as "negroes", of stealing his navy blue Prada sweater. Fabian apologized the next day via Page Six and has laid low since then. Tuesday night's arrest marks his 2006 return to the gossip columns and his lawyers have accused the NYPD of being "bumbling" cops that only targeted him because he was famous. Yeah, that sounds reasonable. It probably didn't have anything to do with his suspended license, the fact that he was drunk or that he ran a red light. It was totally the "celebrity" thing.

Jess, John, And Louis Vuitton

Jessica Simpson has won back the heart of John Mayer and the two have resumed dating, although not "officially." In other Simpson news, little sister Ashlee moved in with Jessica while her home is being renovated. Ashlee told People that she is so happy living with her big sister as she always cooks for them and takes care of everything. Sounds like somebody learned a thing or two regarding domestic responsibility following the demise of her marriage. Evolution is a beautiful thing.

Eins, Zwei, Drei Little Children

Congratulations to Heidi and Seal on the birth of their second (der zweite) son. Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel was born on Wednesday, and Seal wrote on their website, "To our children, a brother. To our parents, a grandson. To my wife and I, a son. To our family, a blessing. He is healthy, beautiful and looks just like his mother." Johan joins his one-year-old brother, Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and sister, Leni. In addition to hosting Project Runway and Germany's Next Top Model, Heidi managed to find time to record an album of Christmas songs. The first single is called "Wonderland" and has already hit the radio stations here in the New York area. The video? Not so much.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Brit Brit and Paris went out in L.A. together on Thanksgiving Eve and that's all we really need to say. This picture explains it all. Britney? We're begging you. For the love of God, please hire a stylist.

Paris Is Oh, So Classy

Paris and her wonky eye were at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night where she presented something and stumbled through her speech which was all of two sentences. Host Jimmy Kimmel started the evening out with a joke about the year's music and how both Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline released albums, "There's some talent there." They went on to lower a Fedster look-alike from the rafters into a big wooden box that was closed and then dropped off a pier into the water. Kimmel introduced "The Bachelorette" Britney Spears to present the first award of the night. Her extensions looked hideous and she was still wearing her wedding ring. Random. On to Paris news: she attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and drank straight from a bottle of vodka throughout his performance which goes without saying is, oh, so classy. Following his set, she climbed up onto the stage and had her song put on so she could lip-synch for the crowd. It may have been the vodka or her song, perhaps a bit of both, but she proceeded to puke all over and run off. Again, oh, so classy. The most interesting news regarding Paris came from Tina Fey, the creator and star of 30 Rock, writer of Mean Girls, and former Saturday Night Live writer and cast member. As a guest on Howard Stern last week, Tina dished about Paris, calling her a "piece of shit" with "the hair of a fraggle," saying there were "wads of barbie hair" all over the SNL set from her "cheap weave." Tina went on to describe Paris' "man hands" that are as big as Tina's forearm. Paris tried to persuade the writers to do a skit making fun of Jessica Simpson, "because I hate her. She's fat." Even if Jessica was fat, she could always diet. What do you do about giant hands on a girl? And it's not just the hands, Paris has said she hates her exceptionally large feet (size 11) for which she has to have shoes custom made for. We can only hope that Tina Fey writes a screenplay about an obnoxious brat with giant hands and feet. It will be huge, no pun intended.

Outed By Rosie

On Friday, Clay Aiken was filling in for Regis on Live With Regis & Kelly and committed the ultimate faux pas by covering Kelly's mouth with his hand while they were interviewing guests. Kelly removed his hand and said, "That's a no-no. I don't know where that hand has been." Yesterday, Kelly explained to Regis that Clay's behavior was disrespectful. End of story. No, no, no. On The View this morning, Rosie O'Donnell threw in her two cents and said she found Kelly's statement to be homophobic. Now we're going to get hate mail from the Claymates, but it is accepted that Aiken is a gay man, albeit not out of the closet. If there was any question, O'Donnell just quashed it. So Kelly called into The View and Rosie and Kelly got into it. Kelly said Rosie should know better and to think that she was homophobic is outrageous. Rosie insisted that was the way she saw it and she just wanted to get her view across. Okay, so we love Rosie and all but her accusation was way out of line. BUT, her paranoid defense of gay people does explain her love for her Tommy Boy.

When Will It End?

We are ever so bored with the TomKat wedding spectacle, but we just have one more thing to make you gag. Okay two. The super long kiss was three minutes long. Can you say awkward? And creepy? AND, Tom's best friend went on the honeymoon to Maldives with them. Yes, his best friend is a guy.

Pathetic Is As Pathetic Does

Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld, gave new meaning to the term racist on Friday night in Los Angeles. Richards was performing a stand-up routine when he became enraged that members of the audience were talking. He launched into an expletive filled rant, shouting the n-word repeatedly, and that "fifty years ago you would be hanging upside down from a tree." Most of the stunned crowd stood to leave, prompting Richards to drop the microphone and exit the stage. Jerry Seinfeld released this statement today, "I am sick over this. I'm sure Michael is also sick over this horrible, horrible mistake. It is so extremely offensive. I feel terrible for all the people who have been hurt." Richards has refused to explain his behavior. TMZ.com has part of the performance on video.

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

It's back to the peace sign for Lindsay Lohan as she heads to her hotel in the early morning hours. Following the World Music Awards Lohan has spent the last week partying it up in London and showing her business. Photographers captured her va-jay-jay on film for the second time as she exited a car sans underwear. The image is disturbing so we're opting to pass on posting it. Consider it our gift to you. Another pic shows what appear to be cuts on Lohan's wrist which her publicist explained were from a fall into some bushes. We smell an intervention.

I Love Me Some Vegas Y'All

Being that Brit Brit is newly single, a trip to Vegas seemed appropriate. She played BlackJack, won $10,000, partied with Mario Lopez from Dancing With The Stars, and managed to not get married at 5 in the morning. Unfortunately she still does not know how to dress and hit the clubs wearing the above outfit alongside Paris Hilton. During the evening, Brit Brit realized the error of her ways and took off her satin pants circa 1998 and tied them around her shoulders. We know, if there weren't photos we wouldn't believe it either.

Mr. And Mrs. TomKat

Reps for TomKat released details of the ceremony saying they "officialized" the union in Los Angeles before heading off to Rome. So are they really married? What does officialized mean? Is that a Scientology word? Georgio Armani gave an interview and said that the kiss following the ceremony went on for so long that guests shouted, "Stop! Stop!" We get it, Tom. You love women. You love to kiss women. Now stop trying so hard.

Here Comes The Bride

Did you hear? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married yesterday. Seriously. Here she is before the ceremony watching Tom arrive with his Scientard buddies. She looks psyched.

The Britster In Vegas

Brit Brit was indeed headed to Vegas when we last saw her and was photographed (again) with her former manager Larry Rudolph. Unfortunately she had those ratty hair extensions put in. We no likey.

The Pre-Party Pictures

We just returned from a marathon class and quite frankly do not have the mental capacity to think of anything witty to write, so here are some pretty pictures. First there's Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony on Thursday evening, then Posh and Becks on Friday. Then we have the TomKat kids, Isabella and Connor, on Thursday night. Our brain dead thoughts? Marc is still ugly, J.Lo could be preggers wearing that thing, Posh loves ballet, Becks is a God, and the kids are lovely. That's all we have to say about that.

Au Revoir Jerswah

Our beloved Whitney Houston was in the news this week when a public notice appeared in The Daily Record detailing the scheduled January 4th sale of her New Jersey home. The sheriff's department is looking to collect more than $1 million in back taxes and fees that she neglected to pay. Her home in Georgia where several episodes of Being Bobby Brown were filmed was also sold after foreclosure, but she still owns her home in California where she has been living recently. Judging from the above video and the standing ovation she received at the 2000 VMA's, Whit Whit will have no problem making a huge comeback. Perhaps even a Brit Brit/Whit Whit collaboration? Fierce.

Run, Katie, Run

Dear Lord, it is 6 in the morning in Rome right now, and we're guessing Katie is contemplating an escape route. Alas, any attempt to flee would be futile as you know Tom had one of those chips put in her head like in Mission Impossible 3. That would totally suck if she ended up like Felicity. Since it's been a full 24 hours since we've mentioned TomKat, we apologize and offer these photos of Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy as consolation. If anyone can establish a connection explaining his invitation, please email us at princessnobody@gmail.com Big kiss.

Brits Behaving Badly

We've used this headline before, but this time around Americans Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are caught up in the mix. Three British bodyguards working for Brangelina were arrested today after they roughed up children and their parents at a school in India where Jolie was filming. As parents arrived to pick up their kids from school, the bodyguards began pushing and shoving them, calling them "bloody Indians" and "bloody Muslims." Upon arriving in India, Jolie said she and Brad were eager to learn about India and its people, so we're hoping she'll take this opportunity to educate her staff as well. Over 1 billion people live in India making the country the world's largest democracy. India is at least 10,000 years old and was incredibly wealthy until the British arrived in the early 17th Century. In 1947, India won independence from Britain after a long non-violent movement led by Mahatma Gandhi. At that time, regions of India were partitioned and Muslims migrated to these areas now known as the countries of Pakistan and Bangladesh, while Hindus moved to Indian states. The majority of Indians are Hindus, with small populations practicing Christianity, Sikhism and Islam. Hinduism is the oldest of all recognized religions (2600 B.C.) and is ranked third in the world with a population of 900 million. Christianity is first with 2.1 billion people, while Islam is second with 1.3 billion people. That concludes our lesson for today.

Don't Drink The Kool-Aid

The always beautiful Posh and Becks arrived in Rome for the TomKat wedding meaning Victoria and Katie have obviously kissed and made up. The rumor out of London was that the new BFF's were on shaky ground because Posh discovered Tom's plan to seduce David. Kidding. Actually, Katie felt badly because Posh was encouraging her to lose more weight before the wedding. Super thin Posh reportedly, 'maintains her tiny frame because she only permits herself to snack - not eat - on edamame, pretzels and occasionally sushi. Beckham also is a Diet Coke fanatic and told pals she hasn't drunk water in years because she "hates the taste."" Katie, on the other hand, only drinks Kool-Aid. The special kind that Operating Thetan 7 gives her.

Paris Is Pretty & Popular

The Dancing With The Stars wrap party was last night following the finale and former contestant Shanna Moakler posed for photographers outside. When asked about Paris Hilton she said, "Tell her to take her Valtrex." (That drug is for people that have herpes.) Moakler also sat down to tell her side of the story to one of the entertainment shows following her divorce party in Vegas. In reference to Paris sleeping with Shanna's ex, Oscar de la Hoya and ex Travis Barker she said, "For her to do it not once, but twice to me, was also, I think, in the poorest of taste." In regards to the infamous fight at Hyde she explained, "I just had words with her, that's it. I absolutely had words with her, and I think any woman has that right to be like, 'It's not cool. What you're doing is not cool.'" Paris Hilton is like that girl you knew in High School that screws everyone's boyfriend thinking that it will raise her esteem in the eyes of others. "Oh, well I slept with so and so and he dated Miss Pretty & Popular, so I must be pretty & popular." Considering Paris never graduated from High School, she is fulfilling that destiny now. Barker, the man at the middle of it all, said this last week, "Paris and I have tongue kissed before. It's not unusual for me to say hello to Paris and kiss her, but it's not like we are a couple or anything. When we see each other, we say hello. That's it." Ahhhhh, young love. So sweet.

Retirement Called, You're Needed

Michael Jackson made his much-hyped return to the stage last night in London at the World Music Awards and it was a complete disaster. Wacko Jacko backed out of his scheduled performance of Thriller, opting instead to do whatever you want to call the above video. He's not singing, rather he's just walking around the stage. We're guessing he was lost and had no idea where or who he was. Fans were pissed and even boo'd host Lindsay Lohan twice when she messed up her lines. The show was not a complete wash as Chris Brown performed a tribute of Thriller, and Beyonce, Madonna and Kanye West won awards. Perhaps now Kanye will give it a rest. Speaking of, homegirl in the video needs to chill.