Trash And Trashier

So Brit Brit is reportedly three months preggers which is a brilliant move as everyone knows that a marriage on the rocks can be saved with another baby. Just ask Denise Richards.

You Can Ring My Bell

Brad and daughter Zahara spend some quality.....who are we kidding? Holy, holy hotness.

Make It Stop

K-Fed made his Vegas debut Friday night with a poorly received performance and a very unfortunate wardrobe choice. The crowd was expecting to see Brit Brit but the couple had an argument over dinner and she left in tears, according to a local newspaper. Now we understand that the Fedster doesn't have a record label or people to guide his "career" but a beer gut and a wifebeater tank? No wonder they flipped him off.

Please Control Your Buzz

Victoria's Secret model May Anderson spent the weekend in a Miami jail after she punched a stewardess on a flight from Amsterdam. We hate to sound redundant but someone needs to hire these people nannies to keep them out of trouble.

Donna Martin Graduates

We love, love, love Tori Spelling and her show on VH1. Tonight's episode started with tourists asking her to take a picture in Beverly Hills which she mistakenly thought was a request for a picture of her with the wife unit. No, they just wanted her to take a picture of them. Then her soon-to-be new boyfriend who was watching the encounter said, "It could have been worse. They could have thought you were Tara Reid." Genius.

Don't Be Such A Heather, Heather

Yes, that is Winona Ryder and Val Kilmer chillin' at a random party and yes, we are officially blaming her for ruining Godfather III. Most people say the producer/director's daughter killed the last installment, but truth be told it was Winona. She signed on to play Michael Corleone's daughter and went into the psycho ward for no apparent reason which led to Sophia Coppola filling in....you all know the rest. We give credit where it's due and after a very rainy weekend in CT and a Godfather weekend on AMC we must say, 'Damn you, Winona Ryder. Damn you.' No wonder Johnny Depp dumped you.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Lohan and Kate Moss are totally BFF these days and the two have a lot to talk about besides their dedication to Trimspa. Lohan's father is in prison and Kate's ex, Pete Doherty, is on his way there. A judge ordered Doherty to rehab yesterday and to celebrate, he went out and got arrested again. Seriously, like two hours after he left court. Typical.

Round Two

Nicole Richie and ex-fiance, DJ AM, are a couple once again which is very good news for Nicole. Former friend Tara Reid hinted at Nicole's sordid past in an interview saying, "You would not believe the things she does." In our Miami days we heard about "the things" from club owners and promoters and she was just plain gross. Like super disgusting, caught on videotape gross.

Smokey Treats For Tara

While we've been busy fortifying our royal castle in preparation for the alien takeover we've neglected to mention Brit Brit's latest meeting with Children's Protective Services. First there was the driving incident and in an effort to win the stupidest person ever award, Brit followed up with the skull fracture routine. Seriously, Brit is the new Michael Jackson - more famous for her troubles with children than for her pop career. Her mistreatment of that gorgeous little boy is so disheartening that we'd rather not mention her at all. The always reliable trainwreck Tara Reid and her tragic lipstick are happy to fill the void.

Meow

Tom Cruise (Operating Thetan 7) and his fiance welcomed baby TomKitten yesterday and promptly renamed her Suri. No word from the Cruise camp as to when he will offically take over the earth, but we're guessing after the movie and the marriage.

Delusion Of The Day

While Kate Moss enjoys a smoke in the West Village, her ex-boyfriend is telling Britain's The Sun, "We are going to marry. It's going to happen at a Scottish castle somewhere between September and November. A posh Scottish castle. That's going to be so cool." Dude, she broke up with you last July. Get over it.

Sushi Bad. Guinness Good.

Best of luck to Gwyneth Paltrow and hubby Chris Martin as they are rumored to be welcoming their son into the world this weekend with a scheduled birth. Already a child with great taste, little Mortimer enjoyed a Guinness beer last week which his momma drank for the iron it contains. Paltrow's rep confirmed the Guinness story (expectant mothers in Ireland regularly enjoy the iron-rich beer) although they were quick to point out that she did not eat any sushi.

UPDATE: The baby's name is Moses. We'd heard they would name him Mortimer after Paltrow's pal Steven Spielberg whom she calls "Uncle Morty."

Holy Mother Of God

The Fedster has officially killed the career of his Cheeto Bride with a tour of woodchuck bars in the South. Our only hope is that they're filming it all for a second season of Chaotic. Please, please tell us they're filming it.

Hip Hop Deja Vu

Kimora Lee Simmons has been kicked to the curb in favor of a 23-year-old model. The Queen of Consumption was that very age when she convinced an intoxicated Simmons to marry her during a weekend of partying some 7 years ago. Always the class act, Kimora promised to Vanity Fair that she would, "Kick a bitch's ass!" if anyone went near her husband. In other ghetto news, Eminem and his wife of 82 days are divorcing. Again.

"Today Is For Drinks"

So here are the gals and a quick lowdown. Jo (front in blue) just wore open-toe kitten heels to go horse-back riding. Her signature phrase is, "I'm bored but I'm happy." She is hot (M.O.T.O) which is very good as she is not blessed with social grace of any kind. Her fiance called her "Dumb Ass-Backward." Kim is the blonde furthest to the right and a lot of fun. Kim's signature phrase is, "They're not behind the gates, but they're in the area," and inspired our personal favorite, "The Puerto Rican guy was a step up."

Desperate Revisited

Maxim celebrated its 100th Magazine with a giant cover shot in Nevada that can be seen from space. And yes, that is our fave Desperate Housewife, Mrs. Solis. Speaking of Faves, our new favorite show - 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' on Bravo. We're off to find some pics of the gals so we can pull you all into our reality-based tv environment.

Thank You Tori Spelling

Our favorite new show premiered tonight and we couldn't be happier with the results. 'So Notorious' completely exposed the crazy cult of Tom Cruise and we're thankful that Spelling has the power to crush the little cock-a-rocha. If we're lucky she'll save Katie before it's too late.