Johnny Travolta Gets His Wings

What the what?! Johnny Boy Travolta has finally decided to come out of the closet. As everyone knows, the Church of Scientology has their members do what they call "auditing" during which time the new cult members divulge all of their deepest, darkest secrets. Then, the "church" holds these admissions over the heads of their members to get them to do whatever they want. Members need to tow the line or else their secrets will be revealed. It's common knowledge that high-profile scientologists John Travolta and Tom Cruise enjoy having sex with men. Bisexual, homosexual, whatever the case may be, they have built careers touting themselves as heterosexual family men.

Now, by being so blatantly indiscreet in pursuing his gay massages, John Travolta is in effect outing himself. Way back in 2000 or so, there was a wrestler in Europe or something, that was going to tell his story about having sex with Tom Cruise. Cruise's pitbull lawyer, Marty Singer, shut that shit down before you could say, "But he's Jerry Maguire!" We don't want to get into a big, long discussion about scientology, but there is a pattern of threats and coercion and blackmail and suspicious deaths that dates back before we were born. If the "church" wanted to make Travolta's problems go away, they would. After the death of his son, we would think that John has had enough. So what that he likes to have sex with masseurs? He obviously has an arrangement with his wife, Kelly Preston, and they seem to be doing fine raising their children and living their lives. It's not like being revealed as gay could damage his career. He has no career. If anything, being true to himself will bring him new opportunities.

Both of the plaintiffs suing Travolta are being listed as "John Doe" to protect their identities, and they are being represented by the same attorney. We're a little nervous for said attorney's life but Travolta will undoubtedly settle this out of court so hopefully no one will get hurt. It's interesting to note as well that no one sued that dude that wrote, "You'll Never Spa In This Town Again," which was chock full of stories about Travolta's many gay escapades at the LA Spa. Being that he's totally best friends with Oprah, we say he does a show on OWN where he comes clean about his life. Holy amazeballs ratings that would be.

Girl, You'll Be A Grandma Soon

The Real Housewives of Orange County was the original and in our humble opinion, it is still the best! Those ladies on the West Coast know how to bring the fabulous drama. We love us some Jersey trash, but the OC ladies have class. You would never hear that Vicki or Heather used to work at a strip club a la the Jersey and Atlanta Housewives. In the case of Gretchen, however, she sure knows how to dress like a stripper and work it.

What can we say about the Pussycat Dolls performance? Alexis said of her creepy husband, Jim Bellino, "Jim's not enjoying it, he's just......[pause].....being a very supportive husband." If Jim isn't enjoying himself it's only because he would rather be at a transsexual burlesque show. The only one more delusional than Alex is Gretchen in thinking that she could pull that song off. Dear Lord, bombs away, indeed. Wait, wait, Slade is off his rocker too. "I'm actually really concerned about Gretchen's performance. I worked very, very hard because this is such a big step career wise for Gretchen and that's important to us."

Tamra said,"I give her kudos for going up there. Her vocals? Ehhhhh, but she looked great." Vicki said, "I wasn't impressed. Like, how can she be up on stage?" The fabulous gay coach said, "You performed which is the most important thing." Gretchen totally should have taken Robin Antin's advice and sex whispered the notes that she was not hitting. Seriously. When the founder of the Pussycat Dolls suggests that you sing it a certain way, you really should listen. She knows what she's talking about.

This has been a tough season for Vicki with the divorce and her daughter's cancer scare and the infamous screaming match with Gretchen, and then there was crazy Sarah starting with her at the bowling party, it has been all too much. After crazy Sarah apologized, Vicki responded with grace which Gretchen should have done when Vicki apologized, but we all know grace and Gretchen are strangers.

The greatest news of the episode was that Briana ran off to Vegas with her Marine boyfriend and got married! This all happened back in October 2011, but news is in today that the happy couple is now expecting their first child. Mazel tov!

Mayday, Mayday

Octomom Nadya Suleman has finally asked for a rescue by filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. Folks were outraged last month when it was reported that she receives thousands of dollars in food assistance from the state of California, something she promised she would never do back when she added the 8 children to the 6 she had at home. Now she is writing off $1 million in debt. The department of protective services just visited her to check in on her 14 kids after a hairdresser reported deplorable living conditions. A hairdresser, whom we might add, was paid over $500 to make a housecall and cut and Brazilian straighten Octomom's hair. We just can't with this lady. She is a nutjob and we feel horrible for those poor kids. And Nadya? Please stop with all the plastic surgery. You don't look good. You're wasting money that you obviously do not have. Thanks.