Born and Raised

Longtime readers of the blog will know that John Mayer has traditionally not been our cup of tea. We may have mentioned him in reference to Jennifer Aniston or Jessica Simpson, but we're not about to do a bunch of research while our three year old son is chucking matchbox cars at the royal puppies. BUT, we totally dig John Mayer. We saw him on Andy Cohen's show, Watch What Happens Live, and he was charming. Andy really, really was enjoying John's new album so I was like hmmmmm. Then, we were at a play date with Megan and William and she was totally like, "I love the new John Mayer album!" I was all like, "Really, I never listened to him, but....." Oh My God. Such a great album. Go to iTunes now and get it. Brilliant.

Why So Quiet, Tommy Cruise?

A great big Thank You to Martin Holmes, father of Katie Holmes. Mr. Holmes is a lawyer from Ohio, and he successfully hired the dream team to help his daughter extricate herself from Tom Cruise. Acting as quarterback, Holmes fired anybody Cruise-related. Katie went back to her publicist that Tom forced her to fire when they got together. Tom's bodyguards are gone. Her phone and emails have been changed. She rented a fantastic apartment in Chelsea and filed the divorce in New York, referencing the fact that the family has been living in New York for the past two years. Remember when she ran the NY marathon? Remember when she was on Broadway? Remember when she was a guest judge on Project Runway? Her neighbors are calling New York's Finest to investigate suspicious vehicles filled with Scientology Bullies outside of their building. Rock it out, New York. Now the initial word has been that Katie filed for divorce to keep Suri out of the clutches of the Xenu worshippers. This is understandable. Tom's first two marriages crashed and burned due to his cult religion, so third time's a charm, right? Bert Fields, the Scientology lawyer that has worked for Cruise forever, "announced" that the cult religion had nothing to do with Katie filing for divorce and that the real reason she filed for divorce will be "announced" soon. Bitch, please. Unless Cruise is going to make a big announcement that he's gay, then this Fields dude should shut it. When Tom and Nicole Kidman divorced, he said, "Nic knows the reason." Guess what, Tom? So do we.

Your Time Is Now, Cat Marnell

Like all of you, we have favorite websites and blogs where we read a bit, learn a bit, and sometimes laugh and cry a bit. One such website is xojane.com which is helmed by Jane Pratt of 'Sassy' and 'Jane' fame. Fun Fact: We won a bottle of Benetton Colors perfume in the 8th grade by entering a 'Sassy' contest. We were so totally excited when the fancy lady from New York City called on the phone to tell us we had won. Another Fun Fact: Many years later, while living in New York City, we attended Jane Pratt's launch party for 'Jane.' Anyway, xojane.com is one of our sites we dig which brings us to Cat Marnell. Miss Marnell was the beauty and health editor of xojane, having cut her teeth at 'Lucky' magazine back in the day. Along with xojane writers Emily and Julie, Cat was fun to read and her honest voice resonated with readers.

However. Cat is addicted to drugs and is unable to write. She would post maybe one story a week while everyone else was publishing 4 or 5 pieces. Every once in a while she would post a video in lieu of a story wherein she would berate Julie (her former assistant) or snort bath salts or apply self-tanner in a manic state which was not becoming. We're not talking smoking a joint to unwind which would be fine, but Cat is on angel dust, heroin, cocaine, or ecstacy. Having failed at numerous rehabs she is now truculent about her drug use to anyone that will listen, telling Page Six that she can't spend another summer worrying about deadlines when she'd rather smoke pcp with her friends. To that we say, grow the fuck up. You are 31 years old and you can either be a successful writer or be a drug addict. You can't be both. Having just read Bill Clegg's 'Portrait Of An Addict As A Young Man' and Nic Sheff's 'Tweak' we get the whole too addicted to do anything but drugs thing, and we hope Miss Marnell gets it too. This beautiful thing we call life is more than smoking angel dust with your friends. Get it together, kid, for this is your time.

Johnny Travolta Gets His Wings

What the what?! Johnny Boy Travolta has finally decided to come out of the closet. As everyone knows, the Church of Scientology has their members do what they call "auditing" during which time the new cult members divulge all of their deepest, darkest secrets. Then, the "church" holds these admissions over the heads of their members to get them to do whatever they want. Members need to tow the line or else their secrets will be revealed. It's common knowledge that high-profile scientologists John Travolta and Tom Cruise enjoy having sex with men. Bisexual, homosexual, whatever the case may be, they have built careers touting themselves as heterosexual family men.

Now, by being so blatantly indiscreet in pursuing his gay massages, John Travolta is in effect outing himself. Way back in 2000 or so, there was a wrestler in Europe or something, that was going to tell his story about having sex with Tom Cruise. Cruise's pitbull lawyer, Marty Singer, shut that shit down before you could say, "But he's Jerry Maguire!" We don't want to get into a big, long discussion about scientology, but there is a pattern of threats and coercion and blackmail and suspicious deaths that dates back before we were born. If the "church" wanted to make Travolta's problems go away, they would. After the death of his son, we would think that John has had enough. So what that he likes to have sex with masseurs? He obviously has an arrangement with his wife, Kelly Preston, and they seem to be doing fine raising their children and living their lives. It's not like being revealed as gay could damage his career. He has no career. If anything, being true to himself will bring him new opportunities.

Both of the plaintiffs suing Travolta are being listed as "John Doe" to protect their identities, and they are being represented by the same attorney. We're a little nervous for said attorney's life but Travolta will undoubtedly settle this out of court so hopefully no one will get hurt. It's interesting to note as well that no one sued that dude that wrote, "You'll Never Spa In This Town Again," which was chock full of stories about Travolta's many gay escapades at the LA Spa. Being that he's totally best friends with Oprah, we say he does a show on OWN where he comes clean about his life. Holy amazeballs ratings that would be.

Girl, You'll Be A Grandma Soon

The Real Housewives of Orange County was the original and in our humble opinion, it is still the best! Those ladies on the West Coast know how to bring the fabulous drama. We love us some Jersey trash, but the OC ladies have class. You would never hear that Vicki or Heather used to work at a strip club a la the Jersey and Atlanta Housewives. In the case of Gretchen, however, she sure knows how to dress like a stripper and work it.

What can we say about the Pussycat Dolls performance? Alexis said of her creepy husband, Jim Bellino, "Jim's not enjoying it, he's just......[pause].....being a very supportive husband." If Jim isn't enjoying himself it's only because he would rather be at a transsexual burlesque show. The only one more delusional than Alex is Gretchen in thinking that she could pull that song off. Dear Lord, bombs away, indeed. Wait, wait, Slade is off his rocker too. "I'm actually really concerned about Gretchen's performance. I worked very, very hard because this is such a big step career wise for Gretchen and that's important to us."

Tamra said,"I give her kudos for going up there. Her vocals? Ehhhhh, but she looked great." Vicki said, "I wasn't impressed. Like, how can she be up on stage?" The fabulous gay coach said, "You performed which is the most important thing." Gretchen totally should have taken Robin Antin's advice and sex whispered the notes that she was not hitting. Seriously. When the founder of the Pussycat Dolls suggests that you sing it a certain way, you really should listen. She knows what she's talking about.

This has been a tough season for Vicki with the divorce and her daughter's cancer scare and the infamous screaming match with Gretchen, and then there was crazy Sarah starting with her at the bowling party, it has been all too much. After crazy Sarah apologized, Vicki responded with grace which Gretchen should have done when Vicki apologized, but we all know grace and Gretchen are strangers.

The greatest news of the episode was that Briana ran off to Vegas with her Marine boyfriend and got married! This all happened back in October 2011, but news is in today that the happy couple is now expecting their first child. Mazel tov!

Mayday, Mayday

Octomom Nadya Suleman has finally asked for a rescue by filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. Folks were outraged last month when it was reported that she receives thousands of dollars in food assistance from the state of California, something she promised she would never do back when she added the 8 children to the 6 she had at home. Now she is writing off $1 million in debt. The department of protective services just visited her to check in on her 14 kids after a hairdresser reported deplorable living conditions. A hairdresser, whom we might add, was paid over $500 to make a housecall and cut and Brazilian straighten Octomom's hair. We just can't with this lady. She is a nutjob and we feel horrible for those poor kids. And Nadya? Please stop with all the plastic surgery. You don't look good. You're wasting money that you obviously do not have. Thanks.

Baby On Board

Congratulations to Giuliana and Bill Rancic on their pregnancy! We are big fans of their show and have followed them through the past few years of heartbreak. Giuliana struggled with infertility, a miscarriage, and then last year underwent a double mastectomy. A gestational surrogate is carrying their embryo. Mazel tov!

We're Not In 90210 Anymore

After 17 years of love and 3 children, Kelly Taylor and her Dylan have separated. We watch her husband, Peter Facinelli, on Nurse Jackie every week and now we watch Kelly on her new reality show too. Except she's not Kelly, she's Jennie Garth and she's living on a farm. That's probably why it's called Jennie Garth: A Little Bit Country. They definitely need better writers, but it wasn't awful. We suggest more cowboys and less personal assistant. And as always, "We need more cowbell."

Welcome Back, Kathy

Kathy Griffin has a new show on Bravo, Thursday nights at 10, and it is wicked funny. She had regular people guests on rather than celebrities and the girl from Mississippi, Tiffany's roommate, was adorable. (Side note: we're typing this on an iPhone and the autocorrect is bananas.) Kathy discussed all the usual pop culture fun and turned us on to a great new guilty pleasure on vh1: Couples Therapy. If you haven't seen it yet, dvr that shit now. It's totally an amazeballs train pulling into dysfunction junction.

Don't Be Tardy For The Party

The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion continued tonight with a whole lot of back and forth about nothing. Everyone continued to scream on and on about the african baby saga and no one brought up what broke these girls up in the first place - the damn song! Andy asked about it but didn't press for an answer. Ever since season whatever, in which Kim was going to sing the song with Nene, and then she decided to sing it on her own....shit. was. on. Nene acted like she didn't care that she wasn't on the song, and then Kandi acted like she didn't care all that much that Kim didn't pay her for producing the song, and Kim has never been held responsible for her behavior. She can't sing to save her life and would never have had a hit if Kandi had not produced it. The song was successful because Kandi's track is beyond catchy and that woman is a brilliant producer, yet Kim kept all the proceeds. That is some bullshit, to quote the ladies of the ATL. To add insult to injury, the song is now the theme song to Kim's spin-off show, Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding. Not that we're keeping score (we are) but Kim has now wronged Nene, who got her on the show, and Kandi, who made her wealthy. Careful, honey, karma is a bitch.

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Lindsay Lohan finally finished up her probation a few weeks ago and the judge specifically told her to stay out of the clubs. Being that Lohan wants to be taken seriously and get her life back on track, here she is at Coachella where she was hanging out in the VIP club.

We Watched What Happened, Live

One of our favorite actresses, Loretta Devine, was on Andy Cohen's show, Watch What Happens Live, and he asked her what advice she had for Nene Leakes now that Nene is in the acting world. Loretta said, "Oh God, stop talkin' about money because real actresses know how much you make." Loved it! Loretta was awesome in 'Waiting To Exhale' and she's perfect on 'The Client List' and is a highly respected actress and we hope Miss Nene will take her advice. A role on 'Glee' does not a fortune make, Boo.

The Cabin In The Woods

The Real Housewives of Orange County is better than ever with the addition of Heather Dubrow into the mix. Heather is a nice Jewish girl from New York turned Hollywood Actress/Stay At Home Mom. Despite being married to a plastic surgeon, she is the most natural of all the OC ladies. Speaking of plastic surgery, Tamra Barney had her big, giant trailer park breast implants removed and her BFF, Vicki, was such a bitch about it. And what is up with Vicki's new boyfriend, Brooks?! He is total ugh and a big downgrade from Don Gunvalson, not to mention he is a little too interested in Vicki and Don's divorce settlement. Dude! It's none of your business! Back to plastic surgery - Alexis! She is a mess. After her nose job, she is one step closer to being an actual barbie doll. She had a gorgeous face, but now it's just generic and whatever. After their house was foreclosed on, one would think Alexis and her creepy husband would think twice about spending a fortune on plastic surgery, but they both went out and had extensive and very expensive work done. Brilliant.

Alexis planned for the ladies to go camping which she insisted on calling "glamping" which was annoying and not nearly as cute as she thought it was. Between complaining about her nose job and pretending she was too glamorous to be camping, Alexis got on our last nerve. Heather expressed our thoughts exactly when she said, "I wanna like Alexis and then she says these things that just make me nuts. Give it a rest, you don't have to prove anything to me. I don't care what you drive." Well said.

The Seven Year Itch

It has been a crazy-ass long time since we've visited and we sure have missed y'all. It has been 7 years since we started this little family in a high-rise in Miami and Dear Lord, so much has changed. Miami is now Connecticut. Our evenings of cocktails and cigarettes have been replaced with Diet Coke and nicotine gum. Hours on the phone with my friends have been replaced with texts and facebook. Blogging is now cool again in a retro way, like neon and scrunchies (neither of which we condone, btw), and we have the itch, bitch. Becoming a mother has made us a gentler and kinder blogger but somewhere inside we still have the snark. Let's bring it out.