It's A Hard Knock Life, For Us

Nicole Richie is all about getting PR lately and just landed an interview with Diane Sawyer as well as a 4-day stint in prison which she must foot the bill for. Because it is her second DUI, the judge ruled that if she drives drunk and kills someone then she will be charged with 1st degree murder. Dude, get a driver. Apparently Nicole is pregnant with Joel Madden's baby... he used to date Hilary Duff. We digress. 'The Simple Life' was cancelled this morning by E! after a too long run of Nicole and Paris reading scripts on their reality show. We're so over Paris Hilton that this is the only picture we could muster.

Where It All Began

As of this morning the divorce is final between Brit and K-Fed and this afternoon we are blessed with the first of what we're sure are many photos from Brit's February party spree in NYC. Remember this? There is a rumored video of this night as well. Maybe it's time to hire a publicist?

Well Said, Mr. Schneider

Lohan was set to appear on Leno to promote her flop of a movie, "I Know Who Killed Me" but couldn't make it because of that DUI mess last week. Rob Schneider replaced her, as her, and a good laugh was had by all. Except Dina Lohan. She said she was "disappointed" and thanked Craig Ferguson for not joking at the expense of her meal ticket. Schneider released this statement to People magazine this morning:

"When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her! I don't care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She's not a kid. Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life."

"I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is."

The Beckham Bunch

David Beckham & Co. are finding the paparazzi in L.A. to be overwhelming. Um, hello? Isn't that why you moved there? Becks told a reporter that in London there would be 6 or 7 cars, but now there are 40 and 50 cars following them. Well, yeah, when you go shopping nearly every single day, you're bound to attract attention. Maybe they should think about ordering clothes that will be delivered to their house? We heard you could do that. Their kids are adorable and we love her shoes in the second pic, so we'll cut them some slack. Despite their protests, you know they love it.

Help Us Random Guy, You're Our Only Hope

After Britney's OK! debacle, she paid a crew of 100 to film the video for her new single, "Get Back," the results of which are above. Now that Brit is acting as her own manager, publicist, and stylist things have gone from bad to worse. According to someone on the set, "She was completely uncooperative and left everyone hanging about when she went for an hour's massage — twice. She just didn't want to cooperate and was snotty and rude to everyone — behaving like a complete and utter spoilt brat.When she wasn't pissing people off, Britney was smoking like a chimney. She didn't eat or drink anything other than can after can of Red Bull. She could have drank 20 of them all told." When Brit started her pole dance, she made all the extras leave the set. "You could see she was getting a bit wobbly but no one expected her to throw a complete fit. Suddenly she was in floods of tears and stormed off set. She eventually came back but was sobbing hysterically. All her make-up had run. By now it was nearly midnight and the director just called things to an end and sent people home. It was a total shambles." The very next day Brit took her sons to Vegas which violated the terms of her custody agreement with the Fedster. Brit's bodyguard attacked a photographer, and they were all asked to leave the hotel. She returned to Los Angeles and went out to the clubs over the weekend with a totally random guy. Maybe he can talk some sense into her? Yeah, that's doubtful but someone needs to do something. It could be like a public service.

Where's That Confounded Bridge?

We were curious as to how obnoxious Lindsay Lohan could get, and we found our answer in this quote, "The black kid was driving." If you haven't watched the interview with the kids that were in her car (which she hi-jacked) then you must head over to TMZ.com. We can't wait to hear her tell-all in next week's OK!. Hopefully it's better than Brit's stupid drama in last week's issue. That was weak.

With Friends Like These....

We've mentioned Dori Cooperman before as she is Lohan's new BFF, and we figured we'd give some background on the gal. Now she has blonde hair (see post below). We like the brown better. This is from the NY Post:

April 10, 2007 -- SOCIALLY ambitious Dori Cooperman got into trouble with the law last week. The stick-thin New Jersey native - who is friends with such swells as Rena Sindi, Alex von Furstenberg, Rachel Peters, Rob Speyer and Harrison Lefrak - was arrested last Wednesday in Westport, Conn., and charged with first-degree forgery and third-degree larceny after she allegedly stole and cashed a $4,300 check. According to the Westport News, a local resident mailed a check to a person in New York, but the check ended up in Cooperman's bank account. Cooperman turned herself in to police and is expected back in Westport court on Friday. When first contacted by Page Six, Cooperman claimed, "It wasn't me . . . someone must have stolen my ID. One of my licenses is missing . . . My father is getting a lawyer on this right now." But after we informed her that Sgt. Jerry Shannon of the Westport Police Department confirmed it was indeed she, Cooperman e-mailed us, "I was accused of something. It's a whole mistake but I can't talk about it until everyone involved resolves it."

We Blame Dori Cooperman

In lieu of going into a real rehab after her arrest, Lindsay Lohan emailed Billy Bush of whatever show and told him that the cocaine was not hers. She is innocent. Yep, uh-huh. This isn't high school, honey. "I don't know how that beer got under my bed." What a stupid thing to say to a reporter, no less. She was better off saying nothing. Apparently she doesn't watch enough "Cops." Hey Linds, Saturday nights at 8 on Fox. Check it out, you might just be on it soon. Some of the photo agencies, including X17 have been reporting that Lindsay contacted them prior to her arrest to sell photos to them for $30 grand. They say she tried it last September as well. Sounds like someone needed drug money. Total junkie.

Paris Needs Attention Too

Before we get into the whole Britney & Lohan drama, we must give credit where it's due. Paris Hilton has been working overtime to get noticed by the paparazzi after her prison stint. She hooked up with Cisco Adler, ex-boyfriend of Kim Stewart and Mischa Barton. Apparently she even gave him a lap dance at Guy's the other night. That's like her mating call. Mischa broke up with Cisco when a nude photo of him showed up on the website Parisexposed. We saw the pic and he has an unusual package, but not in a good way. Wonder why she didn't call her BFF Brandon Davis for the photo op.

A New Low For Lohan

Holy Mother of God she's done it again. Little Miss Lohan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol and cocaine last night. Police got a a call of a white SUV chasing another SUV and when they went to investigate, they found both SUV's in a parking lot one block from the police station. Lohan was driving the white SUV and blew a .13 on the breathalizer. While booking her at the police station they found cocaine in her pants pocket so her charges include DUI, driving on a suspended license and two felony charges of possession of cocaine and transport of a narcotic. She was released on $25,000 bail. Last week Lindsay went to the police station to be formally charged for her first DUI/possession charge and paid $30,000 in bail for that one. This comes after the producers of the film she was supposed to start work on pulled the plug on the project because they could not get an insurance company to cover Lohan during production. They weren't buying the whole alcohol monitoring bracelet thing either.

Paula's Tryin To Tell A God Damn Story

Bravo is all about the summer television series and 'Hey Paula' is nearly as delicious as Kathy Griffin's 'My Life On The D-List.' The difference between the two is clear above when Paula Abdul has a breakdown after she finds out she's been fired from the Bratz movie. Dear Lord. We've watched nearly every episode of this show and she is straight up on prescription meds. No doubt about it.

The Tortured Artist

As you learned earlier, Brit Brit inked her own deal to appear on the cover of OK! magazine and the results were far from stellar. According to TMZ: 'The photos are so bad, execs at the magazine are, at this moment, trying to decide whether to report what actually happened -- or sanitize the truth to protect the pop train wreck. According to multiple sources, Britney's behavior during the interview was "nothing less than a meltdown." She was, according to our sources, "completely out of it" during the shoot. The photos are "so bad" we've learned, that to publish them could "kill her career." Apparently, Brit Brit's eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood, we're told, was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks our source says, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her. Brit also had some issues with hygiene on the set as well. At one point, Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. We're told after she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease. One of her dogs also needed some assistance in the housebreaking department. Our on-set spy says that the dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used (what else?) -- a Chanel dress to clean it up! How trashtastic! As for how Brit looked for the photos, another nightmare. We've learned that OK! hired two of the best hair and makeup artists in L.A. to transform the once-bald beauty into something more presentable, but she wasn't havin' none of that. She refused to let the hired help touch her, opting instead for her "skanky friends" to do her hair and makeup. No wonder she always looks so fantastic!And if you're wondering where her mom/publicist/lawyer/friend/ANYONE was to help her out, we're told that even her cousin Alli (who until recently was working as her personal assistant) couldn't deal, and is "done" with Miss Spears.'

Wow. Perhaps we're headed for an album release which will coincide with a crazy breakdown? Fun stuff.

Maverick Gets A New Wingman

TomKat teamed up with Will Smith and wife, Jada, to throw a welcome party for Posh and Becks. They held it at a museum but we're sure there will be some sort of luncheon this week at the Celebrity Scientology Center. Tom wants a piece of that. Bad.

Still Rockin' The Boots

Narrowing down the volume of celebrity gossip we read daily can be difficult but we're proud to say we've become an expert when it comes to Brit Brit. Not too long ago we posted this clip featuring Brit's long-awaited new single, Get Back. Yesterday she filmed the video for the song and yes, the above is what she was wearing. While talking with the paparazzi outside, she apparently gave an interview "tell-all" to OK! magazine and will appear on the cover of their new issue. Looks like Britney is really taking her role as her own publicist and manager seriously. Her role as her own stylist? Not so much.

Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka....

In case you were wondering what Lohan's alcohol monitoring device looks like, here it is. A fellow Promises rehabber spilled the beans on Lindsay and recounted the boxes of whippets that she got from an out-patient which she would take with cold medicine. The staff couldn't figure out how she was getting high in there until they looked under the bed. Whippets are like nitrous oxide and is sometimes referred to as hippie crack. The gas is used in whipped cream cans and is also sold as canisters to pastry chefs. Or to rehabbing starlets. Either or.

Surely The Hotel Has A Lovely Pool

Britney made an appearance yesterday not wearing a scarf over her weave and the look is not good. Both of Brit's houses are on the market so she is living at the Beverly Hills hotel while she shops for a new place. While touring homes yesterday, she decided to take off her clothes and go in the water wearing her bra and underwear. This chick is totally random.

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Gisele Bundchen is all about the peace as she promotes Dolce & Gabanna's new fragrance, One. She was just named #1 on Forbes' list of highest paid supermodels, coming in with $33 million. Kate Moss was runner-up with only $9 million. We blame Pete.

The Great Chief Katonah

Katonah is all over YouTube these days. The NY town which is 10 minutes from our CT blogger HQ is where we pick up our friends visiting from the city. We should think about writing a soap opera about Katonah because that's what it is right about now. In the past several years and especially in the past few months, residents of the small town have argued with the Martha Stewart corporation over her quest to trademark the town name and create a line of products modeled after the New England enclave. The above video demonstrates how the people of Katonah feel about the plan. While we love Martha...we don't want her in our backyard. Starbucks is bad enough.

Andy Dick Is Such A Dick

Troy McClure here. Phil Hartman was brilliant on Saturday Night Live and his characters on The Simpsons were our favorites. The Simpsons Movie comes out on the 27th and we hope he has an advanced screening. It has been nearly ten years since Hartman's wife, Bryn, shot him and then shot herself. Prior to the tragedy Bryn had not done cocaine for ten years after a long struggle with the drug. At a Christmas party five months before she killed her husband, Bryn was offered cocaine. By Andy Dick. She accepted and five months later Hartman was dead. At the time, Dick and Hartman were co-stars on Newsradio. Jon Lovitz recently appeared on Dennis Miller's show and explained a series of encounters with Dick following Phil's death in which Andy put the Phil Hartman hex on Lovitz, saying - you're the next to die. This resulted in Lovitz smashing Andy Dick's head against a wall until security busted it up. Dennis Miller applauded the move.

The Tabloids Wrapped Up With A Bow

There was a time long ago, in a land far, far away where we used to read tabloid magazines. Now we just read them online. At one point while living in Miami, we had a subscription to Star magazine. Yeah, no shit. When they proclaimed that Brad and Jen were pregnant, and the couple split the next day, we decided not to renew. No big surprise then that Star still has it out for Aniston. She is this week's cover with the headline saying that Brad's mother told Jen, "Brad Still Loves You." Doubtful.

Somewhere around the time that Aniston was America's tabloid darling, Britney went off to Vegas and got married to Jason Alexander, then married again, became a baby mama and the rest is history. Star magazine has been along for the whole sordid affair and this week is saying that Britney got into a slap-fest with her mother. Apparently Brit delivered a restraining order to Mama on the set of her little sister's (Jamie-Lynne) television set. Brit's pissed that her mother forced her into rehab and is seeing the kids when they are with the Fedster. The court order says her mother can't see the kids when she is under the influence of prescription drugs. Lynne Spears went to see her daughter and things got all WWF up in the joint. Brit told reporters from TMZ that she was praying that her mother gets the help she needs. Honey, we've been praying for years that you get the help you need so get your white trash behind into church. And therapy. And to a stylist. Thanks.

The tabloid kingdom also presents a "scary" image, that of a very thin and depressed Angelina Jolie. She apparently weighs only 95 pounds and is depressed that her mother died and that Brad's mother is trying to turn him against her and steer him back to Jen. We're surprised they haven't jumped on the heroin train. Other than that, all is well in the Brangelina paradise.

Paris Gets Double Billing With Pathetic

We wish we could say that Paris Hilton is kidding us with this outfit, but sadly she is totally serious. She actually dressed her new Terrier puppy up in....Oh, Hell. You get the point.

Even Brit Brit Is Getting All British On Us

Brit Brit has had a very busy week. She fired everybody around her and is now handling her own business affairs. Now we have hoped for a long, long, long time that Camp Spears would hire a stylist for Miss Thing. Now Camp Spears does not exist. Probably not so good for our dream of that stylist. In other Brit news, everyone was clamoring on about how she was dating her manny, bodyguard, Daimon (above). This is not true and we read that he has a boyfriend named Sam. Despite how things seem on the outside, we have faith Britney will make a huge comeback. Allegedly, she will perform at the MTV Music Awards being held at The Palms in Vegas. Owner George Maloof is totally Brit's BFF and he totally owes her after he introduced Brit to Paris. Oh, and Brit bought a Terrier puppy to add to her menagerie. His name is London.

More Mid-Week Melodrama

The NY Post ran this blind item today, "WHICH hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night."

Also from Page Six, "WHICH too-good-to-be-real Hollywood leading man and his hard-bodied wife deserve Oscars for their portrayal of a perfect marriage? They both have secret lives with members of the same sex."

Ode To Victoria Beckham

While we're thinking of Amy Winehouse, check out this video for 'F-Me Pumps' from her 2003 album...Your dream is to be a Footballer's Wife. Brilliant.

It's Number 7 On The Disk

One of our newer readers, Greg, suggested that we talk about ourselves more on the blog, so here goes. We're absolutely obsessed with Amy Winehouse's album, 'Back to Black.' Each time it comes on the iPod we switch it from shuffle to the other mode. Continuous or whatever. The disk is in the player of our car and was introduced to the co-workers yesterday at the office. The above is 'Tears Dry On Their Own' and is totally "major" right now. Enjoy.

Hogan Knows Breast

Summer television means 'Hogan Knows Best' is back in action. For those of you not in love with MTV and VH1, this a reality show about Hulk Hogan and his family. They originally lived up in the Bible Belt of Florida, but relocated (last season) to Miami so daughter, Brooke, could work on her music career. Moving on....Brooke has had mild success with her album and her dream to be the next Britney Spears seems to be on track. Considering the state of Brit Brit these days, a monkey has a halfway decent chance at becoming her. We digress. So above is Brook in the most ridiculous outfit ever.
Here is Brooke looking like she just took some ecstasy and walked off the 'Dynasty' set.
This is a shot of Brook in Maui after she reportedly got breast implants. Below is what she used to look like, circa season 2. You be the judge.