That Is So Not Hot

Porn-star Paris is FINALLY set to release her album after like three years of promoting it and of course she filmed a semi-porn video featuring her weird ass-thing. Seriously, you've had three years to work on this shit. Get your ass growth removed already. It's nasty. As are you.

Market Research

So we spent last week on a small island in Hawaii and celebrities were the last thing on our mind when all of a sudden, we were blown away with the influence of Jessica Simpson. Yes, Jessica Simpson. There were two little Polynesian girls from the island that were thrilled with the pineapple and cherry garnishes on our pina colada's and they were very interested in life on the East coast and what they deemed to be very glamorous ladies. It could have been the highlights or the male accessory that wasn't wearing a wife-beater, but these girls were thirsty for any wisdom we could offer about life. After telling them that yes, college is recommended and no, you shouldn't have a boyfriend at ten years old....they both said that they wanted to be Jessica Simpson when they grew up. After a disturbing rendition of "These Boots Are Made For Walkin" we asked them, "What about Britney Spears?" In unison came the reply, "Who?" To the girls' credit, they were sporting natural tans.

I Have A Headache, I Need A Doctor

We've been saving this photo of BFF's Ben Affleck and Matt Damon in South Beach until Matt had his baby, but Ben's hospital visit this past weekend earns a placement. Mrs. Affleck (aka Jennifer Garner) had to rush Ben to a Boston hospital when he got a migraine over the weekend. We're no expert on these things, but the thought of Gigli, Reindeer Games, and Lord knows how many other bombs would make anyone have a headache. Feel better Boston Boy. Oh, and by the way....Boston SUCKS. Just so you know.

Say Goodbye To Hollywood

Just when we thought that Tara was poised to make a comeback, she crashed and burned like only she can. Not only does she look horrid while in Cannes (above) but she pissed off American beer giant Budweiser merely with her presence. Tara crashed a private X-Men party on the Budweiser yacht and proceeded to demand free hair extensions in the Nikki Beach hospitality suite. Budweiser officials were mortified as they don't want the brand even remotely associated with Tara and being that this is the only photo we can find of her, we're guessing she is a done deal at this point. When the paparazzi say you're over, you're over. Buh-bye.

Apology To Brit Brit

After we found this pic of Brit Brit crying when she almost dropped her baby, we felt a little ashamed that we pick on her all the time. We're sorry Brit. Really. We kid because we love. Now go buy a stroller.

It's Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Congrats to Gwen Stefani and hubby Gavin Rossdale on the birth of their son, Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. The couple will call the baby King which sounds a bit like a dog's name but apparently is a tribute to Rossdale's home country of England. King James was born via C-Section on Friday in Los Angeles and reports say that Gwen wore her signature red lipstick during the delivery. Oh, and mom and baby are both healthy.

Bumbling Brit Brit

Obviously Brit didn't learn anything after she tripped and fell in NYC last week nearly dropping her son Sean. The poor kid's head jerked towards the pavement and his little hat flew off his head after Brit stumbled on her too long jeans. Brit rushed into FAO Schwartz and burst into tears but didn't think to buy a stroller or Baby Bjorn for the tot. The least she could do is use two hands to carry him or better yet, let someone else raise him until he can walk on his own.

Holy Baby Brangelina

While we were downing pina colada's in Hawaii, Angelina gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday in the African country of Namibia where they've been living since April. The little one's name is Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and the parents celebrated by donating $300,000 to hospitals in the country, although she flew in her own L.A. doctor to perform the C-section. We don't expect photos anytime soon as the country has not granted travel visas to photographers unless they were personally approved by Brangelina. In case you grew up in America and can name all of the state capitals but have no idea where Namibia is...we'll let you know as Prince Nobody gave us a globe for Christmas. The South Atlantic Ocean is to Namibia's west, South Africa is to the south, Botswana is to the east, and Angola is to the north. Please join us tomorrow when we'll learn that Madagascar is not just the name of a movie.

The Rule Of The Boob

So we all know that Pam Anderson is hot. Agreed. But here's the thing - Just because you can...doesn't mean you should.

My Band Played The Wrong Song

Ashlee Simpson unveiled her new nose and keeping with family tradition she'll deny she had any work done. Or maybe she'll blame the acid reflux again. Either way she looks great.

Look At Me, Look At Me

Brit Brit stopped by the Letterman taping yesterday to announce that she is pregnant and make an ass of herself. On the way to the show she stopped at Duane Reade and bought some fake hair, but a stop at the bra store would have been the better choice. In an effort to be funny Brit said, "Don't worry Dave, it's not yours."

Artie Bucco Goes Bananas

Just as his character on The Sopranos started losing his shit, actor John Ventimiglia forgot how to hail a cab. After dinner and four glasses of wine, he was pulled over as he looked for a parking spot near his Brooklyn apartment. He was charged with DWI, reckless driving, operating outside the lane, operating without headlights and the kicker....criminal possession of a controlled substance: the bag of cocaine in his back pocket. It's unfortunate he can't talk with Adriana, the girl he once loved. We know Artie, we all miss her. But get it together.

Feel Bad For Me, I'm A Victim

In February, Richie Sambora and wife Heather Locklear broke up and now Heather's former BFF, Denise Richards, is hot-n-heavy with Sambora. Denise recently dragged her husband Charlie Sheen through the mud with accusations that he is addicted to gambling and internet porn in divorce court and now she is going after David Spade because he made a joke about Heather being "at home nursing the knife wound in her back." Denise, if you don't want to be labeled a backstabber, don't be one. Very simple. Be good to your friends and don't have sex with their husbands.

Another Day, Another Break-Up

Miss Paris and her most recent Greek boyfriend (Mary-Kate Olsen's Ex) are now officially broken up. We heard that they were going to break up because Stavros and his friends always spoke Greek around her but that was a spintale to take attention away from the court case. For the sake of the American public (and another embarrassed Greek Tycoon) we're hoping there is no official word or drama from the Hilton clan regarding the break-up. In preparation for the return of The Simple Life on E!, we're expecting the media to be fed/focus on the Paris-Nicole Friendemy (Friend in Private+Enemy in Public) Scandal and/or Nicole's eating disorder.