What Would Jesus Say, Jessica?

Miss Jessica has been a bit truculent with the paparazzi lately and has been photographed at least three times in the past month not wearing any wedding ring. There has been no response to reports that the 'Newlyweds' have already signed divorce papers and recent news has been all about little sis Ashley. The WB has hired Warren Littlefield (of Friends and Seinfeld) and Darren Starr to develop the station and they are allegedly creating a show just for Nick. We can't wait. We love Nick.

Here's A Story, Of A Lovely Lady...

We're happy to report that Brit-Brit seems to be back to her old self, resting in the sun while reading tabloid magazines. The radio dj on 98Q said that Brit and K-Fed will receive $FIVE million dollars for the exclusive photos of the baby and the birthing video. No offense, but we'd rather not see someone giving birth as 'The Miracle Of Life' in the eighth grade was enough for us. Circle of Life aside, we're pleased to see that K-Fed is earning his keep.

Page Six Sums It All Up

September 28, 2005 -- YESTERDAY was a sad day for celebrity marriages. Not only did Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush call it quits after just five months, but Kathy Griffin and her hubby of four years, Matt Moline, called it a day. In Griffin's case, the couple split because of irreconcilable differences — which can't be said of Murray and Bush. Murray, who cheated on her during their engagement (he hooked up with castmate Paris Hilton while filming "The House of Wax"), kept right on cheating after they wed. According to Us Weekly, "He cheats on her constantly and doesn't even try to hide it." Another cheater? A.J. DiScala, the hubby/manager of "Sopranos" star Jamie-Lynn DiScala, the magazine says. Meanwhile, Tori Spelling, who cheated on and left her hubby Charlie Shanian last week, has moved in with the object of her lust, actor Dean McDermott.

Tara Does Vegas

From today's NY Daily News-'Not to keep playa-hatin' on Tara Reid, but we hear the most-uttered phrase over the weekend was, "Oh my God, Tara Reid fell on me." At one point, the party barnacle cornered poor Usher near the Venetian pool and told the singer he should write a song about her. "He looked terrified and slowly backed away," our spy reports.'

My Life On The D-ivorce List

We can not even believe that Kathy Griffin and Matt Moline are getting divorced. As loyal watchers of 'My Life On The D-List' on Bravo this past summer, we grew to love Kathy and Matt together. He's a big teddy bear and the two of them were so in love on the show. What happened? After four and a half years of marriage Kathy files for divorce? Just Like That? In the time between the Oscars (which Kathy hosted for E! and was the finale of her reality show's first season) and today, some serious shit went down. We'll continue our Red Wine Coverage while we work through our stages of denial.

Shed A Little Tear For Tara

Miss Reid spent the day shopping in SoHo and wore this very odd skirt. Apparently the crash and burn phase of her life has many facets and we can look forward to more hideous examples of her Jersey taste in the months to come.

Dude, Where's My Wife?

The mating game in Hollywood is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Ashton and Demi were married on Saturday night in a last minute Kaballah ceremony in Beverly Hills. Among the 100 guests were Bruce Willis and Wilmer Valda-who? The real news is the break-ups and there are a bunch. Officially, we have heard from Meadow Soprano (Jamie Lynn Discala) who split with her husband and manager, A.J. Discala. We knew this was doomed as soon as she changed her professional name from Jamie Lynn Sigler to Jamie Lynn Discala. Look at how that worked out for Rebecca Romaine Lettuce Stamos, who by the way is engaged to Jerry O'Connell. He's the chubby kid from 'Stand By Me' and Cush from 'Jerry Maguire' and brother to last season's bachelor. We digress. Jamie Lynn Sigler/Discala is BFF with Jessica Simpson so we will not be surprised when Nick and Jess make their split announcement. Then there's Renee and Kenny, Tori Spelling and Charlie Shanahan and some kids from some show on the WB; Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, and this one is juicy with him reportedly screwing Paris Hilton when they filmed 'House of Wax.' Paris is reportedly on the outs with fiancee Paris because his family thinks she's a low-rent whore and an embarassment and forbid him to marry her. Rick and Kathy Hilton flew to Greece to meet his parents and the Latsis family had their servants turn them away. They wouldn't even meet them to say hello. To Miss Paris we say, "Take good care of your reputation. It will live longer than you do."

Brit's Baby Blues

It's no secret that K-Fed's only income is derived from selling photos of he and Brit to magazines so we're not surprised that Hello! magazine has offered $2 million for the first shots of baby Sean Justin (we meant to say Preston). K-Fed forgot his first wedding anniversary on the 18th which added to Brit's grief over having gained 51 pounds during her pregnancy. Brit's new fragrance, Fantasy, is hitting shelves and being advertised with a commercial that features K-Fed shooting a love arrow at Brit and them living "happily ever after."

Those British Are So Cheeky

Celebrities often make deals with tabloids so that they don't publish damaging photos and/or interviews. Matt LeBlanc did it with the Enquirer and we didn't hear from the limo driver that drove around while Matt picked up hustlers for gay sex. Kate Moss sued and won money from the Mirror after they said she was in a coke-induced coma a few years ago, which she probably was, and now they got their payback with the photos. Not to be masters of the obvious or anything, but Kate should have left well enough alone and ignored the tabloid. Europe's largest fashion retailer, H&M, dropped Moss after initially offering her a second chance, Chanel is not renewing Kate's contract and now the police have launched an investigation into her habit.

*UPDATE*Burberry also just cancelled Kate's contract.

Time To Call It Quits

Tori Spelling, aka Donna Martin, and her husband have separated after one year of marriage. Renee Zelwegger and her country-singing husband have also split up with Renee requesting an annulment of their four month marriage based on "fraud". No word on whether Angelina Jolie played a part in either bust up.

Kate Says She's Sorry

From Yahoo!:Supermodel Kate Moss, 31, acknowledged to the Hennes & Mauritz clothing chain that tabloid allegations she recently used cocaine are true, an H&M spokeswoman said. Moss, who is to model one of H&M's upcoming clothing lines, apologized for her drug use and promised in writing to abide by a company policy that models be "healthy, wholesome and sound," spokeswoman Liv Asarnoj said. "We strongly disapprove of her action," Asarnoj said Saturday. "We feel that this is very unfortunate." She said Moss had acknowledged the allegations of drug use were true. "That's why she was so regretful," Asarnoj said. "We are giving her a second chance."
The Daily Mirror tabloid printed images from a video which it said showed the model doing five lines of cocaine in 40 minutes at a late-night music recording session.

Thank You Tyra Banks

'Tyra' premiered last week and host, Tyra Banks, shared with viewers what happens when you don't spend every waking moment at the gym (or snorting TrimSpa). As a model for Victoria's Secret and Producer/Host of 'America's Next Top Model', Tyra is trying to make a go of a daytime talk show which doesn't seem to be working out too well. She tried to start a music career during Top Model's second season , going as far as producing an elaborate video for her first (and last) single. We love Top Model and look forward to seeing Banks discuss her weight (what she calls "her big ol' booty") with this season's anorexic/bulimic and/or full-figured model.

Mystery Revealed

Apparently there is a video in addition to photos of Kate enjoying TrimSpa at a London recording studio with her druggie boyfriend Pete Dougherty. Now we know how she stays so thin.

Best Wishes & Big Kisses

Congratulations Brit-Brit and K-Fed! Our favorite gal had a son on Wednesday in Santa Monica, and she named him Sean Preston Spears Federline. Or Michael Preston or London Preston, depending on the tabloid. This is Brit’s first child and the third for Kevin.

We'll Always Have Paris

E! has cancelled Tara Reid's show, bringing the crew back to the U.S. without filming the last two episodes of the season. This was inevitable but nevertheless, we are sad to see her and her liposuctioned stomach go. Now who will we make fun of? Apparently only evil bitches like us watched the show and normal people don't want to hear a washed-up actress complain about how fat she is and how she wishes she was thin and that it takes her 'only a week' to get thin again. We know it's too late for advice but we'll give it anyway. If a major cable network flies you around the world and pays you to party, you should do the week of Trimspa before filming begins. And don't complain about how fat you are on television. It's like telling the higher-ups at E! that you don't give a shit about how you look. Now, neither do they. But don't despair, we'll still pay attention to you.

How Do You Like Them Apples?

Poor Minnie Driver and Winona Ryder. It must be difficult to hear that former boyfriend, Matt Damon, is officially off the market. After two years of dating single mom, Luciana Barroso, Matty Boy has proposed to the former Miami bartender turned "Cinda-fuckin-rella." Congrats to the happy couple.

Tara Reid Knows How To End Terrorism

Now that Tara Reid’s show has been cut to 30 minutes from an hour, we are able to sit through the weekly train wreck that is ‘Taradise.’ Thank goodness, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pass along her brilliant quotes to all of you. This is Tara’s solution to terrorism: “I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.” Well it makes us sad too sweetie, and we think you should bring your show over to Afghanistan, Iraq and the Left Bank and convince all the mean people to listen to you. Oh, and make sure you get them to say they’re sorry before you ‘like’ them. That will mean a lot to the victims’ families of 9/11.

Hell No

Believe it or not, this is one of the better photos we could find of the New Nicky Hilton. The hair is definitely not working for us. And what's with the clear plastic shoes? She's not a stripper.....yet.

K-Fed's Meal Ticket

Brit-Brit is about to deliver her baby via C-section any day now, so it's fitting that she graces the cover of October's Elle magazine. People magazine will inevitably buy the rights to her baby photos as they did with her wedding and baby shower, so we were happy to hear an actual interview took place. Brit-Brit said she didn't really understand Kaballah but it's okay. The interviewer also asked our girl about K-Fed and his previous baby momma, whom he left when she was pregnant. Brit said that wasn't an issue because she loved him. And we are amazed when people label her as less than intelligent. She is effin' brilliant.

We Love Oprah

As the Search and Rescue missions continue in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, the celebrities are out in full force trying to help thousands of displaced and grieving Americans. Oprah was on location from Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee and Texas and brought in friends Julia Roberts, Jamie Foxx, John Travolta, Chris Rock, Faith Hill, and others to help her Angel Network, which provided millions of dollars worth of goods and supplies. Matthew McConaughey personally rescued over 50 dogs and other animals in a helicopter from New Orleans. Click here to watch segments of the show. Oprah should run for President.

God Bless America

'I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend with my life, your right to say it.'

-Thomas Paine

Rapper Kanye West made international news Friday when he said that George Bush doesn’t care about black people during a live benefit. From the Village Voice: ‘West, jaw set, wearing an ugly black-and-white rugby shirt with a giant logo, gives a quaverous "um" before saying what he needs to say, not entirely committed at first, sounding almost like he's reading it off the teleprompter, ending his statements with a sort of verbal question-mark uptick: "I hate the way they portray us in the media?" He gets increasingly heated and decreasingly articulate over the next couple of sentences, trying to get out whatever's in his head, thoughts and words firing in all directions, upset and crushed, sad that he has to go on TV and say this stuff when nobody else will: "Even for me to complain about, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the teach, um, TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what's, what is the biggest amount I can give." Quickly losing his composure: "With, with the setup, the way America's set up to help the, um, uh, the poor, the black people, the, um, the less well-off as slow as possible." Mike Myers looks surprised but still nods solemnly, not entirely sure what he should be doing. West: "And they, they've given them permission to go down and shoot us." Myers, mouth open, looks at West, takes a deep breath, and continues reading off the teleprompter. While he talks, West stares into the camera, maybe thinking to himself: Will I say it? Fuck it, I'll say it. "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Myers, shocked, looks at West and then back to the camera. Cut to Chris Tucker standing in front of a fridge.’ NBC deleted the comment from the West Coast broadcast so Freedom of Speech doesn't necessarily apply to network television, but it's good to see some people aren't afraid to tell it how they see it.