Michael Phelps

Lil' Wayne (what's with the pants and the hand on the package?) who is the new Busta Rhymes, T-Pain, Leona Lewis and full orchestra just performed after an introduction by 8-time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps. Lindsay Lohan and Ciara are presenting the Best Dancing In A Video award. And the winner is....Pussycat Dolls for "When I Grow Up." They thanked God for being so awesome to them. Enough said.

Best Male Video

Chris Brown won Best Male Video and we were introduced to the Jonas Brothers. Insanity ensued. The awards returned to Los Angeles this year after being in various cities including New York and Miami over the past ten years...being that it's the 25th anniverary of the VMA's, they brought it on home. The Jonas Brothers performed on the back lot of Universal Studios where Seinfeld and Friends filmed and like we said, insanity ensued. Photos to follow.

Best Female Video

Jamie Foxx is the first presenter and he is hammered. Totally drunk. Anyhow, the nominees are Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Mariah Carey and Jordin Sparks featuring Chris Brown. And....Brit Brit won for "Piece of Me." She thanked God, her family, her boys and her fans. Oh, and she's sitting next to her manager, Larry Rudolph. DJ AM and Travis Barker are the house band and they're freakin' rockin' it out.

Brand For Barack

The host of the VMA's, Russell Brand, just begged America to vote for Obama on behalf of the world. Bravo.

Holy Rihanna Production

So Brit Brit looked awesome and they showed a pre-taped video of her and Jonah we forgot his last name, but he was in Superbad, and it was rather funny. Rihanna is opening with the craziest dance song thing we've seen in a very long time. Photos to follow.

The MTV Video Music Awards '08

The top photo of our beloved Brit Brit was taken last week. The middle, a couple of months ago and the bottom was when she was at Mel Gibson's place. She has come a long way, baby, and tonight will be her big comeback at the VMA's (MTV 9pm). Spears is nominated for Video of the Year, Best Pop Video and Female Video of the Year for her "Piece of Me" video. If she wins, this will be her very first Moonman after being nominated 16 prior times. It has been said that she won't perform at the show, but she will definitely be opening the awards ceremony which is hosted by British personality Russell Brand. Our guess is that she will perform and it will be awesome. Rock it out, Brit. And welcome back. We missed your crazy country ass.

Christian Is Our Hero

Generally we try not to be too sentimental here on the blog, but the story of Christian the lion is too precious to pass by. Over 8 million YouTube viewers have met Christian, and his story is now being made into a Hollywood movie. Now pardon us while we wipe our tears and go hug our baby puppies. Enjoy.

Democratic National Convention

The Convention rocked this past week. Oprah made a discreet appearance in a sky box at the stadium in Denver last night to see him accept the Democratic nomination. Earlier in the week at the Pepsi Center, Hillary and Bill gave great speeches after Michelle Obama kicked off the week before a surprising appearance and speech by Teddy Kennedy. For those of you that missed Clinton's speech, you can watch it below. It was the best of her career. Rock it out, Hills.

Pocket Full Of Kryptonite

So what's the deal with Tom Cruise always putting his hand in his pocket when the press is around? We're thinking maybe it's a secret signal to the Xenu followers or a love message to his boyfriend. Whatever it is, Suri is pissed. Seriously. Look at that kid. Like many Scientard kids (think Leah Remini's appearance on Rachael Ray) she's still on the bottle filled with barley water at like 3 years old. We're no experts, but that is definitely too old for a kid to be on the bottle. That's probably why she's so angry. She's wants her freakin' bah-bah. Last night TomKat attended a Broadway show and deflected attention away from fellow Scientard, Will Smith, after Page Six ran an oh-not-so-blind item about him -'WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut.' Six Degrees of Separation is one of our favorite movies, but we always thought it was strange that Smith refused to kiss his male co-star in the film. Imagine if Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhal said, "Okay, I'll portray a gay guy but I won't kiss another man." Hello! It's a movie. Do your job. Anyway, it's pretty obvious that Will's wife, Jada, plays for the other team and they have a Travolta/Preston marriage, but getting violent is totally scary. As are the Scientards, but you already know all about that. There was a police report filed but after receiving $500,000 cash the report was conveniently misplaced and he didn't press charges. But seriously, what is up with Tom Cruise and the hand in the pocket?

Gayelles Rejoice

Congratulations and best wishes to Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi on their marriage yesterday in Malibu. After Ellen's infamous relationship with Anne Heche who tried out the lesbian lifestyle for a bit and then turned batshit crazy, we're so happy that Ellen found an amazing partner in de Rossi. Kudos to Portia for her outstanding roles on Ally McBeal, Arrested Development, and Nip/Tuck. She totally rocks. Ironically, crazy Anne Heche also appeared on Nip/Tuck back when Christian and Sean were still in Miami, but we digress. Hopefully the quote from today's New York Times about how being gay and single is like the new smoking will not cast a shadow on the happy newlyweds. Mazel tov.

Leavin' Never To Come Back Again

Our loyal reader Melissa in Camden mentioned to us that she would like more celebrity snark and less music videos, so we apologize for posting Leavin' by Jesse McCartney here. But we'll make a deal with you...for every one radio song that gets stuck in our head during the daily commute, we'll write two snarky posts. Speaking of, holy Lohan as of late.

Two Greats Gone Too Soon

The shock of Bernie Mac's death yesterday morning at the early age of 50 was followed with the sudden death of Isaac Hayes this morning at the age of 65. Both men will star in the film, Soul Men, to be released in November of this year. Bernie Mac began his career as a comedian and went on to win several Emmys for The Bernie Mac Show based on his true life experience of raising his drug-addicted sister's three children. Mac appeared in several films including the Ocean's Eleven films for which he appeared on Oprah and discussed his inflammatory lung disease which had been in remission since 2005. The actor was admitted to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago last week with pneumonia and was expected to make a full recovery. Bernie Mac is survived by his wife of 31 years, Rhonda, and their daughter and granddaughter.

Isaac Hayes was found on the floor next to his treadmill in a basement room in his Memphis home by family members. A soul singer and songwriter, Hayes won an Oscar in 1972 for best original song for the film Shaft. Hayes also won several Grammy awards before filing for bankruptcy in 1976 when his record company took a financial hit. He attracted a new audience in the 1990's as Chef on the long-running show South Park. Somewhere in there, Hayes got himself mixed up with the Scientards. Two years ago Hayes suffered a stroke which caused him to leave South Park, although the "Church" of Scientology released a statement insinuating that he quit because of an episode that exposed the scariness of the cult. Chief-Scientards Tom Cruise and John Travolta starred in the Emmy-nominated episode called Trapped In The Closet. Cruise made such a stink about the episode that Sumner Redstone fired him from Paramount. Similar to Crazy Tom Cruise, Isaac Hayes was abandoned by his father as a child and his flamboyance had rumors swirling that he played for the other team. Tom has been married three times, Isaac has been married four times. In the past year, two opponents of Scientology have mysteriously died alone in their homes, so we won't be surprised if it turns out Hayes was no longer willing to pay 10% of his income to the church and they helped him along to his death. Hayes just finished playing himself in the film, Soul Men, which stars Jackson, Mac, Sean Hayes and Jennifer Coolidge. Isaac Hayes is survived by 12 children. Rest In Peace.

The Barack Obama Roll

Now that Senator Obama is on a week-long vacation with his family, the YouTube generation has stepped in to fill the void of press coverage. The original video has so much traffic at the same time that it was pausing and reloading so we downloaded/uploaded it here for a smooth ride. Enjoy. Oh, and big thanks to Baron de Bubba for keeping us all in the loop with his informative posts. Rock it out, kid.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

John Edwards has finally admitted to having an affair with Reille Hunter beginning in 2006. He blamed it on the inflation of his ego surrounding his run for President. Apparently he felt he could do no wrong. During this same time Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, was diagnosed with an incurable cancer that she discovered while on the campaign trail with her husband. The Edwards family was on Oprah back in the day and we genuinely believed that John Edwards was a stand-up guy. Ummmmm, no. The good ol' Enquirer reporters got on the case after a woman on Edwards' staff came down with a good ol' pregnancy and now the rest is history. Edwards was visiting the mistress and her baby in a hotel when he was confronted by an Enquirer reporter at 3 in the morning. Edwards ran into a restroom in the basement of the hotel and refused to come out. Did we mention it was 3 in the morning? In addition to the $100 plus grand she received to film videos of Edwards on his press tours, the woman has been receiving up to $15,000 per month to keep the affair quiet. Edwards went on Dateline and said that the baby is not his and that he would do a paternity test if the baby mama agreed and you guessed it....baby mama does not want a paternity test. Oh, and he was not aware that she was receiving money. Of course.

The Fancy Dance Olympics

While the Olympics are displayed on all NBC's networks, the fashion and choreography extravaganza of the opening ceremony will only truly feel at home on Bravo, snuggled right in between "My Life on the D-List" and "Flipping Out."

But seriously: while this fabulous spectacle doesn't strike fear into the hearts of capitalists everywhere on quite the same level as endless columns of uniformed, disciplined, cold-blooded Soviets marching to the rhythm set by tanks and missile launchers, we should all take heed. While the commentator might suggest that the horde of dancers holding up a stage for one performer is a statement on the relation of the individual and the masses, the meta-"statement" of all the performances by the Chinese government is: "we have a ton of money and even more people, and we can do whatever we want with all of it. "

We just hope that if China does take over the world, the music they impose on us has some balls, like that which accompanied the mind-boggling, rockettes-on-steroids, pulsating-human-squares number, as opposed to the sing-songy crap which accompanied the finale and many of the other absurdly extravagant displays of economic clout and readily-available cheap labor.

Those Baby Buyers Are Bananas

This summer has been a disappointment thus far in celebrity news so many thanks to People and Hello for giving us something to talk about. We are very happy for The Royal Family and their new twins, Knox and Vivienne. But for the love of God, 14 million frickin' dollars?! It's a good thing the economy isn't in the shitter or this type of greed might seem excessive. Poor little Shiloh only raked in $4 mil for her photos. At least Shiloh made it onto the cover, unlike those other kids that no one seems to care about anymore. Sadly for them, Maddox, Pax and Zahara just moved one step closer to becoming "the adopted ones." Sort of like Connor and Isabella Cruise. Who? Exactly.

Six Degrees Of Spencer Pratt

The culmination of a creatively bankrupt TV genre, The Hills, has endorsed the culmination and/or the impotent death spasms of a morally and intellectually bankrupt political movement, McCain for President. Without opening the Pandora's Box of political discussion over cocktails: it should come as no surprise that two guys who made a career of leeching off their mates and acting self-righteous on camera would feel drawn to each other.

The true meaning of this story remains open to interpretation. Spencer's announcement that he will be working with McCain's daughter to visit Iraq could be a subtle announcement that the reality TV community, like the military, will check its fantastic power in service of the civilian-elected government. The other, and more likely case, is that Spencer expressed his hope to see Heidi as McCain's running mate in order to set the stage for an upcoming season of The Capitol Hills. Prepare yourself for a domestically-focused Vice Presidency, as Spencer will throw a hissy-fit every time Heidi tries to schedule a diplomatic mission. The craziest part of this travesty: the studio planned this years in advance. After McCain dies of a heart attack brought on by the emotional stress of constant exposure to exaggerated, dour, reality TV facial expressions, Spencer will help Heidi select a new VP in a reality show a la Joe and Slade in the abominable "Date my Ex-Heidi and Spencer Edition." When asked for comment, Heidi simply said, "I love Jesus." Seriously. We could not make this stuff up.

Diary Of A Douchebag

Holy shitski, the divorce trial of Christie Brinkley and douchebag husband, Peter Cook, started last week. Fantastic!!! Among the things that Cook was forced to admit in open court was that he paid his mistress, Diana Bianchi, above photo, over $300,000 to keep quiet about the affair. If you're new to the drama, check out the background here. It has been exactly 2 years since Brinkley filed for divorce from Captain Douchebag. Among other things he confessed on the stand, he masturbated in front of his webcam on a swingers' site and sent threatening emails to Bianchi to make sure she didn't spill the beans. It was Bianchi's stepfather, (a police officer in the Hamptons) that told Christie of the affair. Certainly Peter Cook never imagined his last name would prove to be his destiny.

The Kids From The Block

We wonder what The Kids on the Block are trying to resurrect with their new music video. Whatever it is, they missed the appropriate window for "sexiness." First, they were a bunch of mildly homo-erotic kids clearly too young to be sex icons. Now, they look like a bunch of creepy older men hanging out with younger women and singing songs that recapture their idyllic homo-erotic youth.

As the female perspective on this subject (Princess Nobody) we declare Baron Bubba to be wildly off. But what would you expect from a straight 20-something male? Regardless, we kind of dig the video for "Summertime" and it reminds us of our freshman year roommate, Liz Liddell, and her love for the New Kids. Yes, Liz was from Boston.

Recycling Music....Al Gore Would Be Proud

So Kid Rock released a "new" music video. While it lacks the musical energy or inspiration to excite the purists among us, the singer(?)-songwriter(?) must have targeted the niche of people who like a little scandal with their rubber-stamp-bubble-gum-pop......

OK...let's grant him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he included words, music, and background vocals from "Sweet Home Alabama" as an homage- not as a desperate attempt to provide some soul to a song as devoid of life as the corporate boardroom in which it was probably written. (We would question the wisdom of paying homage to a song whose lyrics contain thinly-veiled old-school states-rights, segregationist lyrics, but that involves a variety of different debates for a different day; We are not in the business of analyzing Lynyrd Skynyrd songs.)

Even still: Didn't anybody on the song assembly line notice the striking resemblence of the piano part to "Werewolves of London?" Didn't Vanilla Ice get torn apart for doing the same thing? Maybe we should stop villifying Robert van Winkle and give him the respect he deserves: as a groundbreaker who cleared the way for talentless hacks who want to substitute public persona and cheap imitation for creativity and originality.