The Seven Year Itch

A spokesperson for Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe released this statement yesterday: "We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time." The rumor is that Ryan had an affair with a waitress while filming in Vancouver, Canada. Reese has hired divorce lawyer Robert Kaufman who represented Jennifer Aniston in her divorce. Reese and Ryan met at her 21st birthday party that he went to for free beer. They married when she was five months pregnant with their daughter Ava who is now 7. They also have a 3-year-old son named Deacon. We expect she'll be on Oprah again within the next few months where she will give absolutely no details about the split except that maybe the paparazzi had something to do with it.

Terms Of Embarrassment

This picture is reminiscent of the good old days when Tara Reid actually had friends slash babysitters that were able to contain the obnoxious behavior that characterizes her personality. Even as a young actress with mild success, Tara was completely out of touch with reality. Her inflated sense of self is on display in this interview with Howard Stern while her defining moment of 2006 is one of the web's most frequently downloaded clips. The "Tara Tour" made a stop on The View Thursday so that she could play the victim, a role she has perfected. Her trademark cigarette and booze voice was accented by a touch of percocet or codeine (think Paula Abdul on American Idol) so her words didn't come out properly. Add to that these exchanges: Tara, holding up a piece of paper, "Say this is a piece of paper." Joy Behar, "It is a piece of paper, Tara." Audience and co-hosts laugh, Tara turns red. As Rosie O'Donnell and Joy discuss the charity events they hosted the previous night Tara chimes in, "I did work for Until There's A Cause." Rosie had to correct her, "Until There's A Cure." Tara is embarrassed again. Basically we learned that her brother was dating a Playboy Playmate and Tara went to her surgeon without doing research and blah, blah, blah. She claims that her breasts were uneven, that's why she got the implants and she wanted a six-pack stomach, hence the liposuction. She lost her self-confidence and guys that she was with were grossed out by her freak body. Poor thing. Moving on, Eminem revealed on his radio station that he had sex with Tara Reid back in the day which explains her broken engagement to Carson Daly. Nothing says class like sleeping with the friend of your live-in boyfriend. While we are on the topic of engagements, the most pathetic part of the "Tara Tour" was two weekends ago and is the epitome of selfishness and pathetic behavior. A guest at a wedding in Santa Barbara reported on Tara's antics at the rehearsal dinner, "She was the definition of a trainwreck, loudly heckling the family and friends of the bride and groom during their speeches. One of the groom's buddies brought the Reid-tard as his date without telling anyone. If I were the groom, I'd beat the crap out of the guy." The following night, Tara was "blackout drunk before the reception even started. The wedding itself was actually dreamy because Tara spent the night outside in the lobby, crying her drunk face off." Gawker had more details of the weekend with this sighting, "Picture it...The Four Seasons Biltmore in Santa Barbara...mid-afternoon Sunday brunch (which btw is $65...yeah, we were shocked too)...we walk into the main dining room and I think to myself, "damn...that skank looks like Tara Reid." And it was; she was sitting at a table in the front quadrant of the room and positioned so that no matter when you walked in you could see her. Pucci-like do-rag on her head, tight jeans and some sort of Flash Dance-esque top (I must say she did look quite fit and appeared to be sober). We were then seated right behind her. And now for the good stuff...in the middle of brunch she gets up and starts pacing around the restaurant on her sidekick. She wasn't talking loud enough for anyone to hear, but she was walking back and forth over the entire front half of the restaurant; sometimes she stopped by other people's tables to continue her conversation. The sad part was that no one stopped her for an autograph or recognized her...the longer she talked and walked, the more she gesticulated to get people to notice her -- some angry "do what I say" motions, pointing at nothing and I did see her stomp at least 4 times. This went on for at least 10-15 minutes. Seriously. Her brunch companion (male, sandy hair, looked a little like Michael Douglas but probably only in his late 30s/40s) just sat there with his head on his hand and watched. I must try and get down there more often." So there it is. Tara Reid hits rock bottom, ruins an innocent couple's wedding weekend and doesn't even have the manners to pretend to feel badly about it. No apology, no explanation. Just more of the same "Look at me!" childish behavior. So, yes, we'll give you some attention. We'll even introduce you to our friend. Tara? Meet Karma. Let us know how it works out.

Lord Help Us

Four days and counting until Kevin Federline's album drops, y'all. And yes that's Lohan touching his neck, God knows why. K-Fed or "Fedster" as we like to call him, gave an interview to Entertainment Weekly in which he said that he's the "most talked-about person of anyone over the last couple of years." EW asked Fedster who the most underrated performer in his field was and after thinking for 12 seconds he answered, "Me." Poor thing, so delusional.

The Simple Life

Remember when Lindsay Lohan did too many drugs and got really, really skinny? She hosted Saturday Night Live and poked fun at her weight and her hard partying ways? Well Nicole Richie has assumed the role as the girl who is famous for not eating, and released a statement, just so we all know, confirming that she checked into a facility to determine why she can't gain weight. OH, OH, PICK US! We know the answer! It's called food. Instead of snorting cocaine and crystal meth everyday, you actually eat. Yes, food. Amazing and yet so simple.

Babygate Digest

The Anna Nicole Smith soap opera continued this week with a new lawsuit and an official investigation into her residency. The first new character contributing to the storyline is Gaither B. Thompson, a developer from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Thompson bought the house in which Anna resides for just under $1 million in August as a favor for Anna, whom he met through neighbors back in 2005. They had an agreement that Anna would sign a mortgage buying the home from Thompson which she has failed to do. He told People magazine, "She said it was a gift, I never said that. I don't have that kind of money. I don't want to embarrass her or humiliate Anna. I just need my money, or collateral, back." An attorney for Thompson delivered a letter to the house ordering her to leave by October 31st. If she doesn't, Thompson will move forward with a formal eviction. This storyline prompted former prime minister Hubert Ingraham to say, "Clearly, Anna Nicole Smith is not a fit and proper person to become a permanent resident of the Bahamas. Her general character and reputation don't commend her for such status. I expect the government of the Bahamas to make a determination in accordance with the law. If she doesn't own the house, then she would not have met the policy conditions which the government of the Bahamas has with respect to the grant of permanent residence." Authorities have opened an investigation into Anna's residency and she may be kicked out of the country altogether. The law says 'a person owning a house in the Bahamas valued at more than $500,000, having the means to reside without being employed and being of good character can be eligible for Bahamian residency.' In addition to this, Larry Birkhead (above) has filed a second lawsuit against Anna today alleging fraud and conspiracy. This is a follow-up to his first lawsuit regarding the paternity of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern. Our question is why did she give the baby the surname Marshall? Her second husband obviously did not have anything to do with the birth. Or did he? Perhaps billionaire Marshall is not really dead, and he and his evil twin will return to Port Charles to claim paternity. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives.

So Many Arrests, So Little Time

Naomi Campbell was arrested in London yesterday for assaulting a woman and released on bail. Apparently she attacked her drug counselor and scratched up the woman's face. Naomi's reps are saying that it was a misunderstanding. Stateside, Naomi missed a court appearance in New York last month in Maid vs. Campbell. Interesting details were revealed by the maid, including Naomi's daily breakfast of laxatives. Ahhhhhh, that's how she stays thin. Gross.

I've Made Up My Mind

I'm gonna keep my baby, ooooh, ohhh, Papa don't preach. Madonna and her British accent were on Oprah yesterday to talk about the press coverage of her adoption process. While she was only on screen for twenty minutes she said, "My husband and I," at least 200 times. We get it. You're married. Here's your medal. It was like she was in a Kaballah trance and had to say that in every sentence. We learned that little David was two weeks old when he arrived at the orphanage, and his mother and three siblings died of HIV. She and her husband decided to adopt a child two years ago, they never considered adopting a child in Los Angeles (as reports suggested), and she never has met Angelina Jolie but did have dinner with Brad Pitt, although he did not influence their decision. The baby is healthy and there were some cute pictures of Lourdes and Rocco with little David. So, the adoption is sorted, and it's the bloody press that caused a row. Cheerio.

JJ Federline Makes His Debut

The birth certificate belonging to the baby formerly known as Sutton Pierce Spears Federline was filed yesterday in Los Angeles confirming that the baby is named Jayden James Federline, and he is in fact a boy. Initial reports were that the child was a girl to be named Jailynn, based on the frequent pre-birth shopping trips by Brit Brit in which she bought all newborn girls' items. Now her security team does the shopping for the newborn girls' clothes and last week a video paparazzo had his footage seized by Brit's security detail. Why all the secrecy? It's a slow news day so yes, we'll go there. Perhaps the baby is transgender like little Patty on Footballers' Wives. It is a proven fact that one in every one thousand babies born is transgender and while operations were initially performed at birth, the medical community now advises that parents allow the child to mature so that their brain's sexual identity will determine their physical identity. Not that this is the situation with little Jayden, but the name is adrogynous. According to Social Security records for 2005, the name Jayden was ranked 54th in popularity for newborn males. Jayden was ranked 224th for newborn females. Like we said, it's a slow news day.

Best Wishes TomKat

A rep for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have confirmed that their wedding will take place on November 18th in Italy. He went on to say that proper security measures are being taken to make sure it is a private affair. Every woman deserves to have the wedding of her dreams, be it a modest small gathering or a lavish event in Italy, and we sincerely hope that Katie's big day will be all she hoped for. In an interview as a young actress Katie said it was her childhood dream to grow up and marry Tom Cruise. She left out the part about having another man's baby and passing it off as Tom's, but she did predict her future. As did we, a year ago when we guessed the scenario.

Puff The Magic Dragon

We wrote about Paris and her love for marijuana prompting a reader to email us with a request for the photos. As always, we are happy to oblige. Speaking of druggies, Paris and former friend turned enemy, Lindsay Lohan, have presumably kissed and made up as they flew to Vegas together last weekend. In other Hilton news, Nicky and boyfriend Kevin Connelly have broken up. Rumor is he cheated with a chubby girl from Laguna Beach and she blabbed to all of her friends. We predict a Lohan-Connelly hook-up which will re-ignite her feud with Paris, which will be good for blogging business. All of this kissy face action is leaving us with no material.

Love, Laguna Style

The crazy kids of reality television have extended their fifteen minutes of fame once again. Lauren "LC" Conrad from Laguna Beach, and later from her own reality show, The Hills, is now an item with Brody Jenner. Brody was with Kristin Cavalleri before getting with Nicole Richie. Lauren and Kristin fought over Stephen during high school and then Lauren dated Jason who dated Jessica, one of Kristin's BFF's. What were we talking about again?

The Funeral

The body of Daniel Smith was laid to rest yesterday afternoon at Lake View cemetary in the Bahamas. The open casket funeral was attended by Anna Nicole, Howard K. Stern, and the CEO of Trimspa. Daniel was buried wearing his favorite outfit; jeans, a t-shirt, and a trucker hat. Today Cindy Adams reported in The Post that the relatives of Anna Nicole have found a publisher for a finished manuscript depicting Anna in a negative light. Anna's mother recently went on Nancy Grace's program and pleaded with her daughter, born Vicki Lynn, to be careful of Howard K. Stern. The mother believes that her grandson was murdered and Anna may be next as Stern stands to inherit millions from the estate of Smith's late husband, Howard Marshall. Drama with a capital D.

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart!

Just four months after marrying Nicole Kidman, country singer Keith Urban has entered rehab. Reportedly their pre-nup contained a clause regarding future drug use, and the negotiations held up their wedding for some three months. A former cocaine addict, Urban released this statement: "I deeply regret the hurt this has caused Nicole and the ones that love and support me. One can never let one's guard down on recovery, and I'm afraid that I have. With the strength and unwavering support I am blessed to have from my wife, family and friends, I am determined and resolved to a positive outcome." Best of luck to the couple. Below is a photo of Urban back in his cokehead days when he appeared in Playgirl magazine. Holy thong.

Lifestyles Of The Poor And Infamous

In early June of this year Brandon Davis made his debut here on the blog with his outrageously obnoxious behavior which was all caught on video. The saga continued throughout the summer as his family looked on in horror while being ostracized from fashionable social circles. In September Brandon was denied entry into a NY club and it has been all downhill from there. The doormen at Hyde in L.A. have put him on a pay-no-mind list and his frequent denials have been videotaped for our viewing pleasure. This week Karma showed her hand with a story in the NY Post which details the true nature of the self-professed rich kid. Brandon owes money to several of his friends including producer Scott Storch, Palms casino owner George Maloof, and most notably Joe Francis, creator of the 'Girls Gone Wild' empire, to whom Brandon bounced a check. The Post obtained a copy of the check for $10,000 which states it was refused for 'insufficient funds.' What's worse is that Brandon's response to his friend on the telephone regarding the debt was "F*ck you." So to recap, Brandon is living with Paris Hilton as his mother and grandmother have had to sell their homes, he has a nasty cocaine and alcohol addiction, he's deep in debt, and now he has no friends. Brandon Davis-Zero. Karma-One.

The Cruise Holmes Wedding Tour

Finally we get a statement from Camp TomKat. Originally, Katie said that she was going to wear a Chanel gown in her wedding next month, originally set to be in California at the Scientard Center. Apparently her parents were boycotting the ceremony as she was raised Catholic and yadda, yadda, yadda. Now the venue has changed to Italy and we're assuming that is because the couple "fell in love" there. Remember this? Anyway their rep released this statement, "I can confirm that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have asked Giorgio Armani to design their official wedding attire for their upcoming marriage." What in the hell does "official" wedding attire mean? Do they also have "unofficial" attire? Who's designing that? And for the love of God, Katie, stop with the all-black look. Despite looking like she is getting into a hearse and heading to a funeral, she is actually leaving a studio lot and that is the TomKat "official" mode of transportation. "Unofficially" they fly around on L. Ron Hubbard's spaceship.

Jeffrey Sebelia Is Still A Loser

Our beloved Project Runway is over and Jeffrey the Junkie walked away with the top prize. Ugh. We're hoping he doesn't spend the $100,000 on heroin as that would break Miss Heidi Klum's heart. Tim Gunn's too. It's wonderful that Jeffrey traded the hypodermic needle for a sewing needle (and several tattoo needles), but this is not an after-school special. He went over budget and outsourced his work. Not cool. Our fave, Michael Knight, showed a collection that was a bit too ghetto safari and the judges were not feeling it. Oh well. Michael has a bright future ahead of him and rumor is he's dating Brandy. And yes she was there to cheer him on at Bryant Park. Too cute. Uli already has a following in Miami, and Laura will hopefully open a boutique on Madison or sell her dresses at Bendel's, just as soon as she gives birth to that sixth child. And throws "it on the pile with the rest of them." We'll miss you Michael and Laura. Auf wiedersehen.

Madonna And Child

It's one thing after another surrounding the adoption of their baby for Madonna and husband, Guy Ritchie. People were upset that they were getting special expedited treatment in bringing their new son David home. The couple released this statement yesterday: 'My husband and I began the adoption process many months prior to our trip to Malawi. I did not wish to disclose my intentions to the world prior to the adoption happening as this is a private family matter. After learning that there were over one million orphans in Malawi, it was my wish to open up our home and help one child escape an extreme life of hardship, poverty and in many cases death, as well as expand our family. Nevertheless, we have gone about the adoption procedure according to the law like anyone else who adopts a child. Reports to the contrary are totally inaccurate. The procedure includes an 18-month evaluation period after which time we hope to make this adoption permanent. This was not a decision or commitment that my family or I take lightly. I am overwhelmed and inspired by my trip to Malawi and hope that it helps bring attention to how much more the world needs to do to help the children of Africa. My heartfelt thanks for all the good wishes I have received and I hope the press will allow my family some room for us to experience the joy we feel to have David home.' Madonna recently donated $3 million to the orphanages of Malawi and with BFF Rosie O'Donnell talking about her goodwill on 'The View,' Madonna's stock is definitely rising. Although Madonna did hand out signed copies of her children's book to people in Malawi, she didn't directly mention Kaballah. Smart.

The Return Of Britney Spears

Little Miss Brit Brit has taken off her baby weight and is looking fabulous. She was out and about in Malibu over the weekend sans K-Fed and the kids. Word is she's working on a new album. Thank Jesus.

Pandemonium In Pune

Brangelina has received more coverage since being in India than when they were stateside. First there was the drama surrounding this rickshaw ride when one of their bodyguards choked a photographer. Then the car in which Angelina was riding in hit a young man on a motorcycle. THEN, Donald Trump went on Larry King Live and said, "She is not even that attractive. I think he's (Brad Pitt) a smart guy for narrowly dodging the marriage issue. I'm not a fan of hers as you probably noticed. I know her father. Her father is a nice guy. I think she treats him like a dog but maybe they have some kind of a thing." He went on to say, "I mean this poor sap, he comes along and he practically begs her, 'I want to see my grandson. I want to see this.' I mean if I were with him, I'd say 'Forget it. It's over.' I think he's a great actor and she just treats him terribly. She's been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby, OK, with the other side. And, I just don't even find her attractive. That has nothing to do with why I said it though." Now another photographer is claiming that her bodyguard pulled a gun on him. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston was on today's Oprah and Brangelina was not mentioned at all so now that Oprah has moved on, perhaps we all can. And no, Jen and Vince did not break up. At least not this week anyway.

Tara Tells The Truth

Ready for some happy news?! Tara Reid finally admitted that her trip down plastic surgery lane was a mistake. We have been saying that for over a year and now she has finally seen the light. Unfortunately for Tara it may be too late for her career, but she has a plan and she told US Weekly all about it. She wants to find a man and start a family as soon as her fix-it-up surgeries heal. As always, we're hoping she makes a comeback even if it's just so we don't have to feel so badly for her all the time.

ABC, Easy As One Two Three

The time has come and Michael Jackson is now officially a white woman. Earlier this year he was seen applying make-up in a ladies' restroom during a shopping trip in Bahrain. His publicist said that Michael made a mistake and could not read the Arabic writing and went into the wrong restroom. Um, he's been living in Bahrain for a year now so perhaps he should learn these things. And why does no one care that he's putting on make-up? Also this year he arrived in Ireland wearing women's scarves. Add all of that with the fact that he regularly wears an abaya, the traditional dress of Muslim women, and you have a man that really, really likes to dress as a woman. Remember that video with Lisa Maris Presley when he was half-naked and had the body of a girl? If he truly is transgender then perhaps he should just become a woman and live his true life, as Oprah would say. The public will pretty much accept anything at this point from him just as long as he stays away from little boys. And we're reaching here, yes, but doesn't his daughter Paris kind of look like Macauley Culkin? She definitely looks nothing like what Michael Jackson used to look like. And Culkin is Godfather to Paris and Prince Michael. Hmmmmm.

Mama-donna Hearts Malawi

Madonna's daughter, Lourdes, nick-named her mom Mama-donna and she is living up to her name with the adoption of a one-year-old boy from the African nation of Malawi. The baby's mother died shortly after giving birth and his biological father gave an interview saying that while he does not know who Madonna is, he is very happy that his son will have a good life with the American. Madonna recently traveled to Malawi which is in Southeastern Africa bordering the countries of Tanzania, Democratic Republic of Congo (Zaire), Zambia, Zimbabwe and Mozambique, to open a much-needed orphanage there. As long as we don't hear any Kaballah blah, blah, blah in the coming weeks, we're back on Team Madonna.

Adios Anna

Anna Nicole Smith received $1 million from People magazine for the above photos and lost a lawyer in the process. Michael Scott, a member of Anna's legal team, has withdrawn as her spokesperson and counsel telling the Associated Press, "A disagreement on a commercial transaction made it difficult for us to remain as counsel. It was not an amicable parting." He added that there were "strong differences of opinion between myself and Howard over strategies." We happen to think that this "marriage" is more about the law stating that husbands and wives can not be called to testify against one another rather than proving paternity. Being that Anna and Howard were the only people with Daniel prior to his death, they will obviously be questioned in his death. The Bahamian police traveled to Los Angeles to look into Daniel's life and interview his acquaintances while Anna, Howard and baby DannieLynn have remained in the Bahamas. The body of Daniel has been at a funeral home in the Bahamas since his death on September 10th. A memorial service for Daniel was held by his father, family and friends in Mexia, Texas, where he was born. Aside from the sale of photos to the tabloids, Anna has not released any statements regarding anything. Her new husband, Howard K. Stern, gave details of the ceremony which included champagne and Kentucky Fried Chicken, but did not indicate when they plan on laying Daniel to rest. First things first, right?

Simply Smirnoff

The rift between Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton heated up yesterday when Shanna appeared in New York City for the launch of Smirnoff Arctic Berry and was interviewed by the NY Post. "I don't think [Paris] she's a good person. She makes a lot of money pulling these stunts in the media, and I want nothing to do with it. I'm not the one getting DUIs. I'm not the one in police stations. It's all juvenile and stupid." Our thoughts exactly, Shanna. Speaking of Smirnoff, Pam Anderson is apparently a big fan of the Ice (above) while the Raw Tea is a big hit here in New England. Check out the very funny Tea Partay video here and as always, drink responsibly playa.

Dysfunction Junction

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have had a very eventful two weeks and they are both back to where they started. The two got back together after Pete was released from his court-ordered rehab and she toured with his band in Ireland and they were reportedly planning their wedding. Again. (Prior to his latest arrest, they had planned a wedding in Ibiza where Kate and their friends were waiting when he was nabbed for drug possession.) So all was lovely for the two until this week when his band was playing in London. Pete went to Kate's apartment after the gig and re-appeared on the street at 3 in the morning wearing no shirt and barefoot. He quickly went back to rehab and his tour has been cancelled. Apparently they have broken up. Again. And Kate is back to ridin' that train.

It's All About Paris - Nicole Paris Edition

The famous feud has ended and Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are back to being BFF's and just in time for the new season of The Simple Life in which they will be camp counselors. We're expecting an appearance on Letterman by the duo as Sarah Silverman eluded to in her MTV speech, but no explanation for the estrangement will be given. That's probably because the whole thing was orchestrated for the media attention as was the reconciliation. Nicole talked in Vanity Fair about how she needed to change her friends after rehab and while Paris has been frequently photographed smoking pot, it's not like she got high at a wildly inappropriate time, say at Nicole's wedding, as she and DJ AM called it quits. As for the rumor that Nicole showed Paris' porn movie at one of her dinner parties, Nicole has denied doing that and Paris has only said, "Nicole knows what she did." Whatever that means. We're just thankful that the two are back together and we wish them the best. Now if only Paris could get Nicole to stop wearing that hideous red lipstick, all would be right in Hollywood.

It's All About Paris - Eva Tony Edition

Technical difficulties have prevented recent posts, and our software continues to be uncooperative. We have contacted our host and have been assured all will be grand shortly. While we are unable to post photos at this time, we can give you the latest on our fave celebs. [Update: we're back in business.] So, one week ago Eva Longoria fell down the stairs of her trailer while on the set of Desperate Housewives. Off to the hospital she went and then off to Paris she went, bruised ribs and all. There she met up with Tony Parker and from the looks of things the couple is indeed reunited. Reunited and it feels so good. Reunited 'cause we understood. There's one perfect fit, and, sugar, this one is it. We both are so excited, 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey.

It's All About Paris - Posh Katie Edition

Katie Holmes and Victoria "Posh" Beckham attended Fashion Week in Gay Ol' Paree and the BFF's seem to be getting along swimmingly. We're just thankful that Katie has a fashion advisor these days so we don't have Crazy Tom Cruise guiding her choices. No word on when Posh and Becks will become Scientards.

Tacky Tori Talks Too Much

Only Tori Spelling could overshadow the joy of pregnancy with inappropriate comments. We gave up on her in the weeks following the passing of her father as she appeared at events and made disparaging remarks about her grieving mother. In public. On television. Now that she has effectively ripped the heart out of Candy Spelling, Tori has resumed her attacks on husband Dean McDermott's first wife, Mary-Jo. In an obvious dig at Dean's ex-wife who is 48, Tori said, "When you have a young wife, they can actually have more children because they start younger. I'm young and virile. I can handle it." Obsessed much?

Plan B Stands For Brangelina

Brad and Angelina arrived in Pune, India today to begin production on the film "A Mighty Heart" which stars Angelina and is produced by Plan B, the company Brad started with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Brangelina will remain in India for at least a month which should be plenty of time for Aniston to get her act together in L.A. following what should be the final break-up of Vaughniston. Brad just gave an interview saying that he wants to have a family of six children by next year and that he and Angelina would eventually like to have nine kids or so, enough for a soccer team. If ever there was a doubt as to why Brad divorced Jen, it just vanished...at least for us anyways. Hopefully Jen's career is keeping her warm at night.

Nicole Richie Is A Clown

It seems like just yesterday that Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner were so in love and things were looking up for all involved. This week, however, Brody kicked Nicole to the curb and popular opinion attributes the break to her obsessive, jealous ways. Nicole's rep released this statement, "Nicole and Brody are no longer dating but remain close friends." The next day Nicole posted this on her MySpace page, 'Relationship? I know there are rumors regarding my "breakup" with Brody Jenner. The truth is, we were never really together. We hung out, and he's a nice guy, but my heart was never in it. Anything further is just a cry for publicity.' We say thank you to MySpace for allowing users to convey their crazy in the time it takes to type a sentence. In the old days, starlets like Lindsay Lohan had to resort to wearing message t-shirts on MTV, i.e. "You Were Never My Boyfriend" in order to ungracefully handle being dumped. Technology rocks.

What Happens In Vegas

Brit Brit hasn't been in the news since giving birth to her son Sutton Pierce which probably has something to do with the fact that her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, has been on hiatus. We think Zelnick has been too busy dealing with her other big client, Lindsay Lohan, but either way Britney has been handling her publicity all on her own. That strategy seems to be working out fine as long as there are no Matt Lauer interviews in her future. The Spears family is not without its scandal, however, and K-Fed's friends continue to sell gossip to the tabloids. Star reported in its Oct. 9th edition that 'Kevin's Leaving Britney!' and went on to report that Brit is not going to let Kevin go off partying like he did after Sean Preston was born. "This time," the source says, "Britney's ready to show Kevin who's boss. If he just takes off, I think there will be trouble." Proving that silence is sometimes the best policy, Brit has not commented on the fact that Kevin reserved a table at Tao in Vegas last Friday and Saturday to celebrate the club's anniversary. While he was smart enough not to have his picture taken with the ladies in his entourage, there are plenty of reports detailing his playboy behavior. We just hope there's no video.

Holy Drama-Rama

What a week Paris Hilton has had. She postponed her Dee-Wee court appearance because she was in Europe "promoting" her album which included a night out in Amsterdam's red light district with Travis Barker. She was in Vegas over the weekend for the 1st anniversary party for Tao which included another showing of her bits to onlookers.

And Wednesday was the kicker as she terrorized Shanna Moakler at L.A. nightclub Hyde. Barker's soon to be ex-wife and Paris were friends at one time until Paris tried to get with Shanna's then-boyfriend and father of her daughter, Oscar de la Hoya. Then Paris jumped on the Travis Barker bandwagon and the two girls apparently had a confrontation which led to both of them filing police reports. Paris was out with Stavros Niarchos and Paris Latsis while Shanna was out with her friend, Cheryl, from Dancing With The Stars. Reportedly Stavros pushed Shanna down some stairs and dumped his drink over her head. Paris claims that Shanna punched her in the face. Based on reputations alone, we're on Team Shanna. And does Paris have any girlfriends or does she only hang out with guys she's slept with? We were just wondering.

Was It Colonel Mustard?

The circus surrounding the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy and the subsequent Baby-Daddy drama has resulted in a distasteful scenario of epic proportions. It began when Anna gave birth to a baby girl in the Bahamas where she had purchased a home and was granted citizenship. Three days later her son Daniel flew in from L.A. via Miami and was picked up at the airport by Anna's lawyer and BFF, Howard K. Stern. The two drove to the hospital where they met up with Anna and took pictures of the happy family which appeared in last week's tabloids. Sometime in the next few hours, Daniel fell asleep on a bed in his mother's room and mysteriously died during the night. Anna, Howard and Daniel were in the room the next morning and tried to revive Daniel with the help of the medical staff. Hospital employees have claimed that Anna was screaming at Howard as if he had caused her son's death, then she was given a sedative and does not remember any of the events that took place. Anna hired an independent pathologist to determine the cause of death and he went on record saying a combination of methadone, zoloft and lexapro were to blame. Bahamian officials stated today that they will continue to investigate the death of Daniel and will release their own reports detailing the specific levels of each of the drugs in Daniel's system. Methadone is primarily used to treat heroin addiction and while Daniel was known to be on anti-depressants, no explanation for the methadone has been given. Then things got really sketchy as Stern went on Larry King Live and said he was the father of the baby girl although photographer Larry Birkhead was told by Anna that he was the father. Then Anna and Howard got up at 3 in the morning and took a boat ride out to sea where they had a commitment ceremony with a minister present. While the marriage is not legal as of yet, the laws in the Bahamas state that if a married couple claim paternity of a child then the husband is rightfully the father of said child, in this case, Danni-Lynn, the baby girl. Yes, she named the baby after her son that just died. Now today, Larry Birkhead has filed a lawsuit demanding that the baby be returned to California for DNA testing AND he wants Anna and the baby to be drug-tested. The suit goes on to say that he is concerned for the welfare of his child, Anna uses drugs, yadda, yadda, yadda. We're not sure where this is all going but if this was an episode of Footballers' Wives, Anna will test positive for methadone and she will turn out to have accidentally caused the death of her own son. In the conservatory with the candlestick.

Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman

TomKat went out to dinner Friday to discuss their wedding plans followed by an appearance at his daughter's soccer game on Saturday. Perhaps we missed the Xenu memo, but what's with the all-black ensembles? Are they living in 1997 Manhattan? We can understand Tom wearing this because, well, he's Tom Cruise and style has never been his strong suit. But Katie? Shame on her. And the stockings? Dear Lord. Flesh colored fishnets work. Black fishnets do not. Unless of course you're a hooker. Or Vegas dancer. Even then they're questionable. We won't get into the freakish height difference or the fact that Tom is starting to look like a woman. Just hire a stylist. Please.