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Inside The Mind Of A Hilton

"Ooh, photographers! How can I make this dress shorter to show off my hoo-ha?"

Inside The Mind Of A Hilton: Part II

"And those mean people said I needed to go to high school to be smart. Look at me. Smart. Me smart."

Brit Brit Channels Morticia Adams

Holy hair extensions. And sweatpants. And husband.

Playtime With Brit Brit

Let's play dress up. I'll be a crazy lady.

Dude, I Lost My Mind.

No words can describe.

Leo at Lunch.

Leonardo looks a bit annoyed as a photog snaps his picture at Nello's in Manhattan. We knew all that Oscar sweetness was an act. We liked him in 'Basketball Diaries' and think he's a good actor but to us, Leo will always be the new kid living with the Seavers on 'Growing Pains.'

Preggers?



Reese Witherspoon is looking cute, and well, a bit pregnant. If this is in fact true, we congratulate you on your third baby. If you're just bloated and PMS-ing, we apologize a million times over. xoxo

We love T.V.

Aside from the 50 Cent - The Game truce, not too much has been happening in the celebrity world. We've turned to our always faithful television.

Our favorite new show this week was 'The Contender' with Sly Stallone and Sugar Ray. We hope NBC figures out which night they're going to have the show be on because we don't have tivo and we're not about to chase your ass.

We loved the premiere of 'Intervention' on A&E because we love everything that they do. The show looks great next week, with the gambler....we hope Kenny Rogers will watch. The theme song is awesome and reminds us of The Samples.

West Wing is getting better now that Hottie McHott-Hott 'NYPD Blue' Guy is on it.






It's been two weeks since 'Desperate Housewives' has been on and we're getting annoyed. Damn you Oscars and Oprah movie. Damn you.

For our loyal reader in the Philippines, we now present Ashton Kutcher.

Surreal Love

Brigitte Nielsen has married for the sixth time. She tied the knot with her Italian boyfriend Mattia Dessi, 26. The couple wed over the weekend in the Dominican Republic, after dating for 11 months. Dessi said: "Yes, it's true we're married. It was all very sudden, but we are both very happy." The Strange Love and Surreal Life celebrity has been married five times before, most notably to Sylvester Stallone.

No word from Foofie-Foofie.

Third Time A Charm?

The NY Post reports:

SHANNEN Doherty may have snared a potential billionaire beau in Paul Allen, who founded a little company called Microsoft with Bill Gates. Allen was at Pink Elephant the other night at a birthday party for co-owner David Cabo when he became transfixed by the sight of Doherty dancing with several female friends. Eventually, the shy software mogul mustered the courage to ask the former "Beverly Hills 90210" vixen for her phone number. "She gave it to him, after joking that she'd trade it for some Microsoft stock," says our spy.

If things work out with Paul, perhaps he'll buy our girl a cable channel and name it Shannen TV. That would rock.

Stop The Insanity

Brit and K-fed

It appears that Britney Spears may have lost her mind. We thought as much in January 2004 when she married that dude, Jason Alexander (not George) in Vegas on New Year's. Then she got married in Summer 2004 to K-Fed. Now she seems to have lost all common sense and is living as a dirty pothead. It's one thing to smoke yourself silly, it's quite another to look as if you have. Here's some advice:

*Take a shower once a day.

*Wash your hair every other day and use conditioner. Conditioner is your friend.

*When venturing out, wear mascara and lip gloss. None of this red crazy lip nonsense.

*Pretend that you have worn clothes before. When in doubt, jeans always work. Sweatpants? Not so much.

Buh-bye Jennie-Jen

The Bachelorette's "Boss"

Saturday Night Fever. Jen Schefft Edition.

InTouch Weekly (check-out line reading) has the real story on Jen Schefft and what happened with the tragic show finale. No happy ending?! [Gasp! Ho-rifik]. InTouch confirms the rumors that Jen has a new man in her life. Seen above is Billy Dec, her boss. Remember when the host said to Jen, "You're not fishing off the company pier, are you Jen?" Too funny. Also when that lady in the audience asked her what it would take for her to settle down. We'd love to interview John Paul and Ryan for that answer.

Here is what they have to say about surgically enhanced Jen:

'According to sources, Jen has fallen in love with Billy Dec, her boss at Chicago entertainment development company Rockit Ranch Production. Though Jen denies the rumor, the New York Daily News says that the events planner was
recently spotted "dining alone with Billy in a corner booth and cuddling ," at Rockit Bar which Billy owns.'

And that's it. That's the explanation we get after a whole season of cheering you on. You hook up with your boss and we're supposed to forget all about it. No, no. We want to know if you're okay. Is that weird pimp, we mean club promoter, or owner or whatever, being mean to you? John Paul would have never been mean to you, by the way. Seriously, love, this is not the way to extend your fifteen minutes of fame. Here's the thing, in order for us to continue to like you, there are a few things we need to discuss.

*Please don't pretend you're appealing to America by being completely insane. The American public is a simple folk. If you tell us that you've fallen in love with some club promoter with big ears and a shaved head, we'll understand. You see, Jen, love conquers all and we just want to think that you'll live happily ever after.

*We understand why you shot down Jerry. Page Six (NY Post) ran an item about him when the show premiered about Jerry and how he only dates reality show stars and how he's all in it for the spotlight. He's a loser.

*We love John Paul and can't even believe you were so disrespectful to him. Shame on you, Bachelorette.

*Your fifteen minutes are up. Buh-bye.

Brit-Brit

K-Fed

K-Fed From Brooklyn?

Kevin Federline, aka K-Fed, is sporting a Brooklyn sweatshirt. Where we come from, you only wear gear (hats, scarves, sweatshirts) from a city you've lived in or went to school in. Or that you really, really love. Kevin usually wears a Yankees hat and now with the BK sweatshirt. We could be wrong, but we thought K-Fed was from Fresno. A la Amber Frey. Perhaps he picked up this trend from Brit-Brit who frequently wears a Harvard sweatshirt.

Britney Spears is so happy to see her wicked fine husband shopping after his face and her dog appeared on the cover of Details magazine. We know most of you have never even heard of Details (some cheesy men's mag) so below are intriguing segments of the interview.

Details : What were you doing in Fresno?

Kevin : Nothing. Shit, I was delivering pizza and up to no good.

Details : Define “up to no good”.

Kevin : Oh man. We won't go there. We definitely won't go there. Use your imagination. I just needed to get out of town … to get out of the situations I was in. So when I was a teenager, I started dancing for this nonprofit organization called Dance Empowerment. It helped get kids off the street.

The topic turns to Brit-Brit and how K-Fed and she hooked up.

Kevin : A bunch of us (dancers) went out one time in a big group. That was when she was starting to get big. She was, like, what, 18? I was like, 22. So I wasn’t even thinking about her like that, you know what I’m saying. Shit, a few years down the road, and a couple tours later, I wound up meeting her ass again, and here we are.

Details : You didn't find her a little hot?

Kevin : No, I wasn't even really in that mind frame. I just got out of a long relationship, and I felt free for the first time. I was making money -- legally. I was doing my part, you know, supporting my ass.

We love how he adds 'legally' in there. How's that street cred workin' out for you, Kevin? Brit's all like, "If that white trash Eminem can rap, so can we."

Brit-Brit : Nothing gets to him ... Not my man. And that's why I married him, because he's not a shallow motherfucker Hollywood actor-guy.

Kevin : Yeah, baby!

Brit-Brit : I've met grown men in this business that are a lot older than Kevin and they think I'm this dumb blonde, because I'm quote-Britney Spears-unquote. Men in Hollywood are just -- oh, my God, it's horrible.

Bitter Much?

Details : People think Kevin is with you for your money.

Kevin : Oh, yeah.

Brit-Brit : Well, time will tell, motherchuckers, you know what I mean. We’re going to be together forever…

Kevin : What you hear about in all those bullshit-ass magazines is bullshit. Look, my shit stinks just like everyone else. I think the best thing I'll ever have going for me is that I’m me, you know what I mean? All the bullshit - about cheating, or my relationship with my kids - doesn’t get to me. You know, fuck, Britney and I have been through a lot of shit.

Said so eloquently.

Anna Nicole Smith Really Likes MTV

Welcome Home Martha

Martha Stewart just left prison and she looks fabulous. As she boarded her private jet with her daughter, she wore cute jeans and a poncho and waved and smiled enthusiastically to the camera crews. She had a bounce in her step and truly looked amazing and much thinner than five months ago. Ms. Stewart just posted the following message on her website:

The experience of the last five months in Alderson, West Virginia has been life altering and life affirming. Someday, I hope to have the chance to talk more about all that has happened, the extraordinary people I have met here and all that I have learned. I can tell you now that I feel very fortunate to have had a family that nurtured me, the advantage of an excellent education, and the opportunity to pursue the American dream. You can be sure that I will never forget the friends that I met here, all that they have done to help me over these five months, their children, and the stories they have told me.

Right now, as you can imagine, I am thrilled to be returning to my more familiar life. My heart is filled with joy at the prospect of the warm embraces of my family, friends and colleagues. Certainly, there is no place like home.

Martha

A Horse Of A Different Color

Obviously, Jessica Simpson has had a rough couple of weeks. It was no surprise when Paris Hilton's emails revealed a report from Lindsay Lohan detailing Jessica's cocaine use at the Shore Club here in Miami. It's one thing to sniff, sniff your way to a size 2....but it's a whole new scenario when that technique is made public.

Paris left a note on her hacked sidekick to tell Ken Baker from US Weekly about how Jessica tried to hook up with Justin Timberlake which followed reports of Jessica's anal escapades with Johnny Knoxville on the set of 'The Dukes of Hazard.' To top it off, last week, Mrs. Simpson-Lachey skipped out on her Oprah appearance to check herself into the hospital for exhaustion.

We feel for Jessica in her time of need but at the same time we must reprimand her for going to the Oscar party as an Oompa Loompa. Jessica, we can forgive anything you do as long as you look good doing it. And lose the pearl choker. It's not 1985. Thanks.

Oscar Oompa Loompa



Dear Christina,

"Oompa, Loompa, Doompity-Do, We've got a little story for you."

It goes like this....Enough already with the orange skin. Enough. Seriously. Thank you.

We need a new stylist. Please.


Kathy Hilton must be so proud. The sluttiest of her daughters, porn-star Paris, is wearing an ill-fitting dress that has a stain on the front of it (above her knee). The younger Hilton, Oompa Loompa, is letting the world know she's orange and proud. We can not find words to describe the pink mess of fabric she's wearing. Kathy, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Fiasco

Here is a link to some pics of the new Hottie McHott-Hott actor that will be the new bachelor. Apparently he was on a show called "Sliders" at some point, and he is the brother of Jerry O'Connell. Jerry was the chubby kid in 'Stand By Me' that grew up to be a hot guy in 'Jerry Maguire' and is now on "Crossing Jordan" and is hooking up with Rebecca Romaine (Lettuce) Stamos (no more). After the Bachelorette finale tonight, we're not sure we can sit through another season of this....but, Charlie is very handsome so we may flip over occasionally to see what type of desperate sluts want to degrade themselves on national television for their fifteen minutes.

We're far too disappointed in the Bachelorette finale to comment properly at this time, but we'll give an update once we've dealt with the fact that we've wasted a season of Monday nights hoping for a woman who turned out to be a retarded person. We saw her on The Big Idea with Danny Deutsch (they'll give anyone a talk show these days) and Jen insisted she never had sex with any of the guys that she has dated. NOT EVEN ANDREW. We're not a fan of the ALL CAPS form of communication, but we need for you to understand what she said. She has not slept with any of them, not even her former fiance, Andrew Firestone.

Jen, you're clearly a dicktease or a lesbian. Maybe both? John Paul was begging you to be his wife and you fucked it all up, royally. No wonder Andrew dumped your dike ass.